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Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her mind
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Author:  Wideface [ Fri Apr 24, 2015 6:45 am ]
Post subject:  Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her mind
Girlfriend of 2 years sends me this message. After she was sending very bleak messages and was being very cold I asked her.

Me: "just be honest with me, do you even want to be in this relationship"

Her: "I don't wanna lose you. I want you in my life for ever, but at the same time, now I don't want a relationship with you. I'm not ready now, but I love you so much. I dont know if this make sense to you."

I don't reply and take some time to take in what she has just said. So she calls me and says that she doesn't want to break up for at least the next couple of months because she knows she will regret this decision.

Some back story
We are travelling around Asia / Australia for the past 6 months and well I had to come back home early due to some unforseen circumstances. But she refused to come back with me and said she would continue on her own and thought some time appart is healthy for our relationship.

So after a 3 weeks of being appart she sends me that message. That was a few days ago. Since then I haven't been able to sleep, eat or do much just go to work and then go to the gym. My stomach feels like I want to constantly throw up. I have been through breakups in the past but I honestly thought this was the one.

We still haven't officially broken up because she says she is sure she will regret her decision, so we should remain like nothing has happened and see from there. And she genuinely acts like nothing has happened.

I feel so fucked and confused right now
Author:  mantarochen [ Fri Apr 24, 2015 10:17 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Man i really know how u feel...trust me! still remember when i broke up with my girlfriend years ago...did not eat for days!

Most of the time we are our own destroyers..and it all depends on us, if i was in you i wouldn't care so much....just remember that out there is full of women but at the same time remind to urself that u are the most important person in ur life, and sometimes u should not give too much importance to girls....

you always need to know when stay closer and when stay away from her...and in this case i would doing something else instead that worrying about her...even if it looks so difficult but try! go to the gym...take lessons,read...focus on something else and let it go.

stay cool!
Author:  Wideface [ Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:38 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Thanks man, really appreciate the wise words.

just couldn't shake off why....

So I had to be Beta and ask?

She says apparently I look after her too much, she says that she felt useless when we were travelling and that I took care of finances, I learn't how to fix cars and fixed problems with our vehicle, I did all the bookings and planning, I handled our travel insurance claims (stuff got stolen, Cards got cloned - I got it all back for us took 4 months constant emailing and calling) She just wanted to feel independent and do some stuff.

Fucks sake I wish she had done all that and I just had fun and stopped worrying about anything and everything.

So yeah Man I did too much... Lesson learnt.
Author:  mantarochen [ Fri Apr 24, 2015 5:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Be beta and ask what?

for me a lot of guys are really bad with woman because they do not know...simple as that!

why do not read some good books about it? it would improve ur game heavily...
i can suggest you some of the best out there...i really like "double your dating" David Deangelo for example, it did teach me a lot, just give it a shot.

When we grow up we have always been teaching by our mothers about woman, or even listen media,television, social and get deviate from the reality, but the true is far away much different especially about dating and relationship unfortunately.

life is always a hard journey and you must be willing to learn every day to succeed.

best wishes mate
Author:  groovy_boy [ Fri Apr 24, 2015 6:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Quote:

So after a 3 weeks of being appart she sends me that message. That was a few days ago. Since then I haven't been able to sleep, eat or do much just go to work and then go to the gym. My stomach feels like I want to constantly throw up. I have been through breakups in the past but I honestly thought this was the one.

I feel so fucked and confused right now
Dude, I can totally feel for you. If you really care about a person then you become sick worrying. Last few days I am going through some bad turbulence with a girl I really really like and been seeing each other for 2 months. My appetite has decreased, feel nauseous as I eat and lost 2 kg in the last week. After she seemed completely losing interest, I caught her by surprise by saying to end it last night to see if she will attempt to re-initiate.

You can see my post: "Ditched her last night as last resort. Will she come back?"

Another time I had found out my long term ex-gf, for whom I had feelings, got into a new relationship I was seriously sad for a long time and cried for a week.

Courage, I can not tell you much apart from trying to keep your mind off doing other activities and being focused on the present.
Author:  Wideface [ Fri Apr 24, 2015 7:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Ahhh man been refreshing like crazy at work waiting for the smallest reply something to let me know this is all going to be OK. While at work she rings me up from Australia and acts like nothing is wrong.

She repeated again that she's not ready for a relationship with me right now but maybe in 3/6/12 months and that she doesn't want to lose me. I just told her imagine if I had made such a ridiculous request from you! What would you say? In the end we agreed that her request was ridiculous and we should just move on. Told her not to contact me.

It took every ounce of my manhood to prevent the tears from coming out in front of my colleagues. A few months ago whilst in asia I was in hospital with dengue fever and I had pain everywhere worst pain I have ever felt! my body felt ice cold then but somehow this hurts more!

I feel like all I want to do is cry but there's always too many people around.
Author:  chantos [ Sun Apr 26, 2015 6:55 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
You did the right thing. My read is that she's bored and looking for other guys and trying to keep you on a leash in case things don't work out. It makes no sense for her to say she wants to be with you forever... but then say she doesn't want to be in a relationship for 3/6/12 months. That's like a trial period of being single and fucking around with other guys while you sit on the sideline. A girl just doesn't do that unless there are other options in the picture.

As much as it sucks to be in this situation, you seriously need to understand that a woman who would dare propose such bullshit is not worth one second of your time. This is the moment where you swallow the red pill and realize that you and you alone are the key to your own fulfillment and happiness, and that your woman can either faithfully and loyally support you in your pursuits or she can fuck off and you will very quickly find another. If this isn't your mentality, if you aren't ready to laugh in the fucking face of a woman who "loves you and wants you in her life forever" but needs to be apart for an entire year, you are doomed.

The love sickness you feel will subside in time, but it starts with you getting pissed that this girl is treating you like shit, and realizing you don't want to be around someone like that.

Work on improving yourself, getting into better shape, pursuing cool hobbies, improving your career.... then, when you're emotionally ready, read literally everything you can about attraction and pua. Do not read any dating or relationship advice written by women because it is simply them listing what they wish the guys to whom they're attracted would do (and it's NOT doing those things that makes the guys so attractive in the first place).

Some concrete tips for the future:

1. Never ask a woman if she's even interested in being in a relationship. Don't give her the power to say she isn't.

2. Never ask a woman why she's broken up with you. Who cares? Until you do not care, you have work to do in the confidence department.

3. If a woman says she'd rather stay in another country than be with you, and that some time apart would be good for the relationship, that's a gigantic red flag that your relationship is very close to ending. Break up with her immediately.

4. If she contacts you, be very brief and very cocky. For example send a quick sexual text and then don't respond to her for a week. Tell her you're busy these days, meeting lots of cool people, having a lot of fun. Don't ask her how she's doing. Don't tell her you miss her. If she says she misses you, respond with "obvi" or the like. Be completely unfazed and completely dominant and treat her like she is a 5 year old child who has no clue what she's doing, and whom you do not take seriously whatsoever.. That is the key to building your inner game so that this type of thing never happens again.


I understand that you're completely in the dumps and scared and sad as shit. It will slowly get better and better. And you will be a much stronger person when you come out on the other side, which means you'll be able to find someone better. And you will find someone better. Repeat that to yourself when you're feeling down. You'll find someone better.
Author:  Wideface [ Sun Apr 26, 2015 10:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Hey chantos man, thank you buddy! I mean it man I truly appreciate you taking the time to tell me what I needed to hear. I was reading this with tears in my eyes, but it has truly picked up my mood. I have been through a breakup before and found a better girl, and again and again, the next one might be even better.

You're absolutely right man, every sentence struck a chord man. Thanks again.
Author:  Eddie Fews [ Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Break it off now. NOW

I think a lot was already covered, but its clear that there is someone else in the picture. And he professing love is nothing more than her guilt eating away at her.

Once a woman loses respect for you all of her love for you goes out the window. And everytime you put a woman needs before your own or her happiness before yours thats a jenga block taken out of the wall of respect. Many guys go through this process.

There is no ONE bro. Theres lots of ONES and the moment you fall into this emotional space things are done for.

A man has to sacrifice his desire to be in love and follow his life purpose in order to be happy and a woman has to sacrifice her desire to follow a purpose to be in love in order to be happy.

You developed oneitis, which starts taking place from the very beginning. Every " she's the one" type of thought that enters your mind is venom slowly but surely poisoning the frame you will display in the relationship.

Call her now and break it off and move on with your life.

You have to understand that just because you FEEL something, doesn't mean you should act on it. Love is an emotion just as anger is an emotion. And just because your anger tells you to kill the guy in front of you doesn't mean you should - there will be consequences. And just because your LOVE tells you to put the girls needs before you own doesn't mean you should - there will be consequences. I wrote an article called " Take Control Over Your Emotion" that you may find useful.

Break it off man. Now. There will be another. There always is. But if you want this pattern of meeting "the one" and then getting oneitis to stop, you must first stop poisoning your thoughts when you meet a girl you like with hollywood romance propaganda.
Author:  R.C [ Mon Apr 27, 2015 3:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Oh gawd I can already see where this road will lead. Mainly because I've walked it myself.

Don't be an idiot - like I was - OP. Do what Eddie said. Call her immediately and break up. I would've been so much better off had I had someone to tell me this a few years ago.

Your relationship is poisoned and it will be dead in a few months. Do the smart thing.
Author:  Wideface [ Tue Apr 28, 2015 12:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
FUCK!!!! Why am I am So fucking weak?

She just called me and I answered. I knew I shouldn't have answered but I did. I am a fucking moron.

The conversation went like this,

Me - " Hey what's up?"
Me - " is there an emergency"

Her - " no, Why?"

Me - " I told you not to contact me anymore unless there was an emergency"

Her - " I missed you these days and i really wanted to hear your voice, i thought maybe you felt the same"

Me - " what difference does it make the outcome is still the same"

Her - "I just don't want you to hate me, I want you to understand why I am feeling the way I am Feeling"

Me - "knowing why won't help me, your actions have spoken louder than your words and now i am trying to move on with my life"

Her - "I still care about you and I still want to speak with you, I am not able to have fun here because you're all I'm thinking about"

Me - "well I am still unsure why you have called, what is it? you want me to say something nice and sweet so you can sleep easier tonight"

Her - "No I just thought I wanted to call you for days and thought maybe you wanted to call me too but your ego is preventing your from calling"

Me - "I am in full control of my ego and my life, and please don't call again and go and have all the fun and freedom you wanted so much that it was worth ruining 2.5 years for"

Her - "you wanted to settle down and start a family, I just wasn't ready for that" ( by the way that's bullshit I never said that i wanted to start a family)

Me - "What!!????? I wanted to settle down? with what money? what house, where?"
Me - " all I said is that I was going to marry you one day, which you have told me several times yourself before"
Me - "Look you ruined it all! now you want closure? and you don't want me to hate you, but hating you is the best thing for me right now"

Her - "I'm not good at expressing my self over the phone (English isn't her first language) I will send you an email"

Me - " don't do that, I don't want to hear anymore of your bullshit and lies and I want to move on with my life the email you sent me for my birthday has enough bullshit to keep me going for a while"

- Backstory ....She had sent me an email for my birthday 3 weeks ago telling me how much she wanted to be with me and how she cant see any future that I'm not in it and how great and important I am to her.

Her - "I never lied to you I still love you and I meant what I said, I want you to be in my life but I am just not ready"

and then people start coming into my office and I said "do what you want I don't care anymore and I am at work and busy." Hung up.

OK so she had told me many times that she was going to marry me one day, It made me truly happy to hear that this is where the relationship was going and I thought she would appreciate it just as much if I said it in return. turns out ...When I said the same thing to her that it meant that I wanted to marry her there and then and put 10 kids in her belly. I don't have a real career (I have always freelanced) , I don't own a house, I don't own a car, I have my debts. So how the hell am I in any position to get married and start a family?
Author:  Eddie Fews [ Tue Apr 28, 2015 12:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Quote:
OK so she had told me many times that she was going to marry me one day, It made me truly happy to hear that this is where the relationship was going and I thought she would appreciate it just as much if I said it in return. turns out ...When I said the same thing to her that it meant that I wanted to marry her there and then and put 10 kids in her belly. I don't have a real career (I have always freelanced) , I don't own a house, I don't own a car, I have my debts. So how the hell am I in any position to get married and start a family?
You should not have answered. You're right.

Now about the marriage thing.. The words a chick says doesn't mean anything outside of the moment she says them. Chicks are responding to their feelings of the moment. Do not allow anything a chick says to change how you feel about her. Your feelings should grow as your knowledge and understanding of her grows, not as a reaction to her words. Women are like the tide, they flow in and out. So if a chick says " I'm going to marry you one day" she is saying it to the guy you were being just before she said it - not the new guy you become after she said it. Once you allow her words to change you, you are no longer the guy she said it to. You've become a new guy who has been affected by her words. Men are rooted in their word. A woman takes their words serious and literal; even if it was light and playful. A woman wants to be able to trust what her man says. This does not necessarily go vice versa. Its a double standard that just is. So you have to always keep that in mind. Copy?
Author:  R.C [ Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Quote:
Quote:
OK so she had told me many times that she was going to marry me one day, It made me truly happy to hear that this is where the relationship was going and I thought she would appreciate it just as much if I said it in return. turns out ...When I said the same thing to her that it meant that I wanted to marry her there and then and put 10 kids in her belly. I don't have a real career (I have always freelanced) , I don't own a house, I don't own a car, I have my debts. So how the hell am I in any position to get married and start a family?
You should not have answered. You're right.

Now about the marriage thing.. The words a chick says doesn't mean anything outside of the moment she says them. Chicks are responding to their feelings of the moment. Do not allow anything a chick says to change how you feel about her. Your feelings should grow as your knowledge and understanding of her grows, not as a reaction to her words. Women are like the tide, they flow in and out. So if a chick says " I'm going to marry you one day" she is saying it to the guy you were being just before she said it - not the new guy you become after she said it. Once you allow her words to change you, you are no longer the guy she said it to. You've become a new guy who has been affected by her words. Men are rooted in their word. A woman takes their words serious and literal; even if it was light and playful. A woman wants to be able to trust what her man says. This does not necessarily go vice versa. Its a double standard that just is. So you have to always keep that in mind. Copy?
So much this.

Also, OP we all know how tough this is but you gotta understand that being strong is a conscious decision. If you keep giving in it won't end well for you.
Author:  chantos [ Tue Apr 28, 2015 5:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Quote:
The words a chick says doesn't mean anything outside of the moment she says them.
This is such a money line. Absolutely true.


OP you've got a lot of work to do my friend. Your girl is having second thoughts because she's starting to miss you and has sacrificed your reliability and comfort for the chance to have flings. So in those moments between the flings or the flirting she gets lonely and that's when she calls you. You did well to make her call you. That's a good start. But not picking up is the correct move. The best form of revenge is not to explain yourself to her or make her feel like shit. It's to totally ignore the fuck out of her and not give her the time of day. To show her she doesn't really matter, you aren't that affected by her. Here are some of the slip-ups in your convo:


She just called me and I answered. I knew I shouldn't have answered but I did. I am a fucking moron. (You're not a moron, you've just been taught the wrong things about women and how women work.)

The conversation went like this,

Me - " Hey what's up?"
Me - " is there an emergency"

Her - " no, Why?"

Me - " I told you not to contact me anymore unless there was an emergency"

Her - " I missed you these days and i really wanted to hear your voice, i thought maybe you felt the same"

Me - " what difference does it make the outcome is still the same" (You get really serious here. No need to do that. It gives her power over your emotions. Treat her like a child. You are the man, you control the situation. A better response would be to laugh and say "Nope." And then just leave an awkward silence on her part.)

Her - "I just don't want you to hate me, I want you to understand why I am feeling the way I am Feeling"

Me - "knowing why won't help me, your actions have spoken louder than your words and now i am trying to move on with my life" (Better response: Laugh. "Huh? I don't care." Then more silence, forcing her to try and decode what you're saying. Always act like you have 20 other women lined up trying to be with you. That should always be your frame of mind. So who cares about this one chick if you have 20 others?)

Her - "I still care about you and I still want to speak with you, I am not able to have fun here because you're all I'm thinking about"

Me - "well I am still unsure why you have called, what is it? you want me to say something nice and sweet so you can sleep easier tonight" (Again, too serious. We call this acting butthurt. Just don't respond to her when she says this. Make her say something else.)

Her - "No I just thought I wanted to call you for days and thought maybe you wanted to call me too but your ego is preventing your from calling"

Me - "I am in full control of my ego and my life, and please don't call again and go and have all the fun and freedom you wanted so much that it was worth ruining 2.5 years for" (You know where I'm going by now. No need to preach to a 5 year old child. Better response: Agree and amplify. "Yeah, it really was preventing me. It's just so fucking huge, my big hard gigantic ego. Oh well.")

Her - "you wanted to settle down and start a family, I just wasn't ready for that" ( by the way that's bullshit I never said that i wanted to start a family)

Me - "What!!????? I wanted to settle down? with what money? what house, where?"
Me - " all I said is that I was going to marry you one day, which you have told me several times yourself before"
Me - "Look you ruined it all! now you want closure? and you don't want me to hate you, but hating you is the best thing for me right now" (You totally lose it here. Stop lowering your value by saying what you don't have. Don't argue with her. Just say "Yeah I want to start a family. It's what men do." Make her look ridiculous for not wanting to start a family with you. And NEVER tell a girl you hate her. Never. She is not worth your hate. She is a joke. Reinforce this mentality until it is second nature.

Her - "I'm not good at expressing my self over the phone (English isn't her first language) I will send you an email"

Me - " don't do that, I don't want to hear anymore of your bullshit and lies and I want to move on with my life the email you sent me for my birthday has enough bullshit to keep me going for a while" (Better response: "Just send me (the name of her best female friend)'s number instead.")

- Backstory ....She had sent me an email for my birthday 3 weeks ago telling me how much she wanted to be with me and how she cant see any future that I'm not in it and how great and important I am to her.

Her - "I never lied to you I still love you and I meant what I said, I want you to be in my life but I am just not ready"

and then people start coming into my office and I said "do what you want I don't care anymore and I am at work and busy." Hung up. (Better response: Cockily tell her "Yeah that's pretty gay." Show her you say whatever you want. Show her she does not matter. Don't tell her she can do whatever she wants. Don't argue with her. Tell her how it fucking is and then make her feel totally uncomfortable, awkward, and forced to read into every little response you have. That's how it's done.)


OK so she had told me many times that she was going to marry me one day, It made me truly happy to hear that this is where the relationship was going and I thought she would appreciate it just as much if I said it in return. turns out ...When I said the same thing to her that it meant that I wanted to marry her there and then and put 10 kids in her belly. I don't have a real career (I have always freelanced) , I don't own a house, I don't own a car, I have my debts. So how the hell am I in any position to get married and start a family?
Author:  Wideface [ Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend sends me this message...and then changes her
Hey Chantos, thanks for that reply buddy much appreciated I now see where I went wrong.

But just to clarify I am absolutely butthurt about this entire situation, When I say I love you to someone I genuinely mean it and when I told her I wanted to marry her one day I meant that too, her telling me how much she loves me and 3 weeks later saying she wants her independence (finding out everything she said was all Lies hurts man)

She tried calling me today I ignored it, She sent me messages I ignored it...I feel great about that man wish I had the strength to do that yesterday. But we live and learn man and I'm glad people like you are here giving solid advice.

As I'm writing this she just sent me another message... I have that weird feeling in my stomach but I will not reply I promise.
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