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getting in control again
https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=128&t=189438		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  bangoo [ Mon Apr 06, 2015 6:35 pm ]
Post subject:  getting in control again
Hello all, i am happy to be back to this forum, it's been years since i stepped foot here, and i learned so many things, yet everyone has a point where he needs to have brotherly advice, here is my situation.

For the past 8 years i have been dating lots of girls, and i haven't really met someone who could sweep me off my feet, until 8 months ago, i met a girl, and she had it all to me, i kept it cool, played it well, made her throw herself at me, then a mistake was done that dramatically changed the course of the relationship, i let her take control by being the nice guy, it was unintentionally, i also told her that i loved her, but she never said it with her heart and emotions in it, she just said it back for the sake of it, now 2 months ago she lost 3 of her family members in a car accident and 2 days after it happened her abusive ex attacked her when she was going out of work and was taken to police), she was really traumatized from loosing them and from her ex attack, i kept by her side, attended to her needs, and took care of her, and out of nowhere i became a doormat, where my only job was to be her shoulder to cry on, someone to call in the middle of night when she have a panic attack, she used to text me all the time at work, then after the accident she barely reply back to my texts, she would go for days without answering my calls saying she want to be alone, and stopped fulfilling my needs, last week she told me that she doesn't love me in the way i love her and that she never found it in her to love me from the start (even though she was the one pushing for it), she says she respects me, and that no one ever stood by her side the way i did not even her family members, and she loves me but not in a sexual romantic way, more like i am a best friend and a brother, yesterday we had a serious phone call about our situation, and told her that if you can't meet my needs everyone should go to his separate ways, and that was it, she called me later at night and said that she doesn't want to loose me and that we can be friends, and she kept sweet talking me with i will never find a guy like you, i need you by my side, i can't imagine my life without you, i told her it was decided and that it is over, i can't be your friend, good luck in your life, she said she will call me again but i told her i won't answer it, then we said goodbyes.
forgot to mention that she had the previous relationship with her ex for 7 years, and now she shit herself from commitment to anything, she just run away even from a simple as babysitting her niece.

So i know she will be calling me again if not this week it will be next week, so i wonder how long should i go in no contact mode, and when i get to answer her, what should i say or do next? should i go date other girls so soon, will jealousy play a role here? Or should i accept being a friend and just play the game of hard to get and not available all the time, and if you guys have any other advice let me know.

thanks for reading this long post.
Author:  bangoo [ Tue Apr 07, 2015 1:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
Still no one could give me any insight on the matter?
Author:  Steve8989 [ Tue Apr 07, 2015 1:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
Hi Bangoo,

I am by no means an expert but I can share some of my thoughts.

Firstly, it's gone bro. She's gone. You have to accept that, you do not want to waste time of this girl
as she has made it pretty clear how she feels. You are in the friendzone and have been for a long time
by the sounds of things.

It sounds like she is being pretty honest with you and you should respect her decision and realise it is your actions that have caused this. Figure out what you done wrong (too nice? too available? etc) and learn and grow from it.

I'd still be "friends" with her if I was you, who knows what hot friends she can set you up with in the future. If you have to not talk to her for 3 months + till you have your head sorted, then so be it.

I don't think playing games with her will get you anywhere now, if she isn't attracted to you then it's a waste of time. It will just cause more pain for you and it will take longer to get over. Don't drag it out.

Date other girls as soon as possible and see how quickly you forget about her.
Author:  CharlesFinley [ Tue Apr 07, 2015 2:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
Quote:
So i know she will be calling me again if not this week it will be next week, so i wonder how long should i go in no contact mode, and when i get to answer her, what should i say or do next? should i go date other girls so soon, will jealousy play a role here? Or should i accept being a friend and just play the game of hard to get and not available all the time, and if you guys have any other advice let me know.
What do YOU want?

Do you want to be her 'friend' and only her 'friend'? Can you settle for that?

She was straight with you (may have taken her a while, but she told you flat out she doesn't see you in a romantic way)... So take that for what it is, at least initially.

If you don't want to accept the role of her friend, start dating ASAP, and put a little distance between you and this girl. In a few weeks or months, things may change... but for now - you're not in a relationship, and you know she doesn't want to be in one... So - proceed accordingly.
Author:  bangoo [ Tue Apr 07, 2015 2:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
i cannot settle for only a friend, so i will cut all contacts with her, but if she called, i just ignore her completely?
Author:  bangoo [ Tue Apr 07, 2015 3:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
one more thing, she is the kind of person who only sleeps with someone she love, she only had one guy her entire life, and after 2 months of us together we slept together, so i think my mistake that when her life started going crazy i felt sorry and went too nice and too available, note taken, even in hard times always be alpha male.
Author:  bangoo [ Sat Apr 11, 2015 5:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
ok Update that i would like you guys to tell me whats next

She called me today from a strange number, i pick up and she says that she had to hear my voice one last time, and that she will never find someone to understand her the way i did, and she will never find a man like me, then she started crying saying its so hard saying goodbye, and that she wish that she could have find it in her to love me, (a one hour phone call where she was just crying and talking about the good moments we had) i told her that i cant be friends, that i have needs that if which she cant provide i have to look for it somewhere else because i am tired of giving and not receiving.
now i want to ask if she call me again what should i say? should i ignore her calls? and if so for how long?

thanks
Author:  n2thevoid [ Sat Apr 11, 2015 8:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
Quote:
ok Update that i would like you guys to tell me whats next

She called me today from a strange number, i pick up and she says that she had to hear my voice one last time, and that she will never find someone to understand her the way i did, and she will never find a man like me, then she started crying saying its so hard saying goodbye, and that she wish that she could have find it in her to love me, (a one hour phone call where she was just crying and talking about the good moments we had) i told her that i cant be friends, that i have needs that if which she cant provide i have to look for it somewhere else because i am tired of giving and not receiving.
now i want to ask if she call me again what should i say? should i ignore her calls? and if so for how long?

thanks
You're playing a game with the hopes she'll somehow meet your needs. You two are on different paths. Talking to her won't resolve things, at least at this time. It'll only prolong the inevitable. I suggest you ignore contact and move on with your life. Free yourself up for a girl more compatible to your needs.
Author:  CharlesFinley [ Mon Apr 20, 2015 4:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
Quote:
she had to hear my voice one last time, and that she will never find someone to understand her the way i did, and she will never find a man like me, then she started crying saying its so hard saying goodbye, and that she wish that she could have find it in her to love me, (a one hour phone call where she was just crying and talking about the good moments we had)
Where are you finding these women? She sounds like a lunatic.
Author:  neo87 [ Mon Apr 20, 2015 5:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
I can tell you're taking all of this way too personal.

1. She never fell out of love with you because from your own words she wasnt in love with you even when you made her chase. Could be she didnt feel that connection, could be she didnt feel you 2 were compatible, could be she isnt and wasnt emotionally open to fall in love at that point. But you dont need to take it personal.

2. Dude, she lost family members, got attacked and was in a long term abusive rs. The girl is probably traumatized and suffering from depression and all types of shit. Take yourself out of the equation. Maybe she wants to be alone because she's suffering from something?

She sounds nuts but she's been upfront with you and everything she says makes sense. She doesnt have those feelings for you. She has panic attacks. She's traumatized. She probably suffers from depression. Are you really gonna want to be with or force a relationship with a chick in this condition? Attraction/love is not a cure for depression. And honestly, from the way you talk about her issues like it was bothersome and her actions are due to you becoming a doormat or whatever, you really didnt love this chick. Maybe that's what she picked up on, that you were just trying to act nice to get something. Because if you really cared about her, you wont have made her serious issues so personal. She's messed up, but she couldve played with you and kept using you for support and never been straight with you.

So decide what you want as Charles said. If you really cared about her be a friend. Date other girls. Her current situation isnt good for a gf and she may never have those feelings for you. Attraction and liking someone is different from love. And maybe that's how she will always feel about you. Dont take it personal. If you REALLY care about her, care about her for the person she is and how she enriches your life, not for the fact she says she loves you back or gives you some pussy. And if she's not worth the hassle then move on. I have no ideas when guys act nice to get an outcome then get upset when they dont get that outcome and still want to pretend like the really gave a fuck. Chick didnt play with you, use you, cheat on you, play games with you. So if you care about her care. If you dont and you just cared as long as she was fucking you, that's fine, but that means you didnt really care in the first place.
Author:  bangoo [ Mon Apr 20, 2015 6:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: getting in control again
thanks all for the replies, but i wasn't nice so i can just sleep with her, sex was gone the moment all these problems started, and i never tried anything because it was not a good time, and tbh i never thought about it one bit, i was nice because i loved her and i wanted to see her safe and happy, i was not nice expecting something in return, i dated over 200 girls maybe more i dnt really count, but for the life in me i never felt there would be a one that could make me go down on my knee for her, but i guess everything happen for a reason, i am going to vacation hope things get clear in my mind,
She texted me 2 days ago saying "i wanted to say hi and that i was thinking about you", i told her i need to be alone and that was all, i will be her friend but now is not the time, i need to get my shit straight.

thanks all for the support you guys gave me, really appreciated.
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