"After that, you basically have one person in the relationship who is of the higher value, and the person of lower value will naturally try a little harder to keep the person of higher value around. They will care more about the relationship because it's more benificial to them. While the person of higher value will naturally care less. The higher value person is used to other people of higher value, which can give him more satisfaction in a relationship because they're high value. And therefore he will care less about the relationship. Because he does not get the satisfaction he is used to. "

Unfortunately this a view a lot of people in unhealthy relationships hold. Viewing a relationship, particularly a romantic relationship through a power differential lens is quite toxic and a vestige of a patriarchal norm set some thousands of years ago.

When you start looking at your relationships with people in terms of power ('low' vs. 'high value') it runs counter to having a healthy relationship with yourself, and those you interact with. These are egoically driven relationships and are predicated upon a lot of cultural stereotypes and stoke paranoia in both partners. In addition, they introduce a tremendous amount of anxiety in a relationship - the 'top dog' or high value person never wants to be dethroned or usurped from their position, and the lower value person will at times jockey to change these seemingly pre-ordained roles.

Well, what if you believe both partners are comfortable in their respective positions? Sure, the partners may be playing out behavioural patterns from their childhood - and whether you perceive this to be healthy or not will depend on your view of what a relationship is. To me it is largely about growth, and having two people firmly entrenched these power positions lends to unhappiness and unmet needs.

This is why I often argue that PUA is destructive. PUA (well most of it anyway) perpetuates mysoginistic views and living through ego. There are very few pickup artists who take a more mindful, personal empowerment approach (e.g. Tyler Durden of RSD) that doesn't presuppose that attractive women should be disregarded, insulted, and treated like animals through reinforcement strategies/classical conditioning techniques to meet mens' wants, whims, and desires.

You speak of the higher value person as caring less about the relationship. So that's the person who puts less energy in the relationship and can leave almost on a whim for a new partner? Not sure if that's really high value, or something that should be regarded as 'self-esteem', less so somebody who's contending with unresolved attachment issues. The low value person is the one clinging on, who is scared of being abandoned? That too doesn't sound any healthier, does it. This archetype of relationships you speak of sounds more like an anxious pre-occupied attached person coupled with an avoidant type.

When you look at HEALTHY relationships, they are with securely attached people. People who know how to be autonomous from their partner, but also know how to connect and have deep and meaningful relationships with others. These types represent just over half of those in North America, whereas the rest consist of insecurely attached people.

Ask yourself this: is ego ever involved in 'true' love?

People, myself included, who use manipulative tactics to have their needs met from others will continually exist in power struggles with others until they learn to ASK directly to have their needs met.

High vs low status in a relationship is a surefire way to create an enduring toxic relationship where nobody wins and the power differentials only become more entrenched. In the end you've got an anxiety filled relationship where things are done out of an energy of obligation and veiled threats.

This is so true. Thank you for this. You have to have a connection with one another. I guess the only relationship I know are 2 people of different values. And the higher is in control

"After that, you basically have one person in the relationship who is of the higher value, and the person of lower value will naturally try a little harder to keep the person of higher value around. They will care more about the relationship because it's more benificial to them. While the person of higher value will naturally care less. The higher value person is used to other people of higher value, which can give him more satisfaction in a relationship because they're high value. And therefore he will care less about the relationship. Because he does not get the satisfaction he is used to. "

Unfortunately this a view a lot of people in unhealthy relationships hold. Viewing a relationship, particularly a romantic relationship through a power differential lens is quite toxic and a vestige of a patriarchal norm set some thousands of years ago.

When you start looking at your relationships with people in terms of power ('low' vs. 'high value') it runs counter to having a healthy relationship with yourself, and those you interact with. These are egoically driven relationships and are predicated upon a lot of cultural stereotypes and stoke paranoia in both partners. In addition, they introduce a tremendous amount of anxiety in a relationship - the 'top dog' or high value person never wants to be dethroned or usurped from their position, and the lower value person will at times jockey to change these seemingly pre-ordained roles.

Well, what if you believe both partners are comfortable in their respective positions? Sure, the partners may be playing out behavioural patterns from their childhood - and whether you perceive this to be healthy or not will depend on your view of what a relationship is. To me it is largely about growth, and having two people firmly entrenched these power positions lends to unhappiness and unmet needs.

This is why I often argue that PUA is destructive. PUA (well most of it anyway) perpetuates mysoginistic views and living through ego. There are very few pickup artists who take a more mindful, personal empowerment approach (e.g. Tyler Durden of RSD) that doesn't presuppose that attractive women should be disregarded, insulted, and treated like animals through reinforcement strategies/classical conditioning techniques to meet mens' wants, whims, and desires.

You speak of the higher value person as caring less about the relationship. So that's the person who puts less energy in the relationship and can leave almost on a whim for a new partner? Not sure if that's really high value, or something that should be regarded as 'self-esteem', less so somebody who's contending with unresolved attachment issues. The low value person is the one clinging on, who is scared of being abandoned? That too doesn't sound any healthier, does it. This archetype of relationships you speak of sounds more like an anxious pre-occupied attached person coupled with an avoidant type.

When you look at HEALTHY relationships, they are with securely attached people. People who know how to be autonomous from their partner, but also know how to connect and have deep and meaningful relationships with others. These types represent just over half of those in North America, whereas the rest consist of insecurely attached people.

Ask yourself this: is ego ever involved in 'true' love?

People, myself included, who use manipulative tactics to have their needs met from others will continually exist in power struggles with others until they learn to ASK directly to have their needs met.

High vs low status in a relationship is a surefire way to create an enduring toxic relationship where nobody wins and the power differentials only become more entrenched. In the end you've got an anxiety filled relationship where things are done out of an energy of obligation and veiled threats.


A lot has been said about what an unhealthy relationship looks like. So what's the landscape look like for something healthier?

-a deep and profound respect for others, especially for this with different views to your own (so long as those values don't infringe on the way you live YOUR life)
-establishing boundaries early on in a relationship, and HEARING for those of your partner's and being responsive to them
-knowing when to take care of yourself; in particular this may require a lot of self-reflection so knowing when an issue is YOUR issue and knowing when its one involving your partner (this can be particularly challenging - meditation here can be quite helpful in re-centering one's self and helping one become more responsive, less-so reactive to situations)
-viewing your partner as your champion, not your adversary (if you see them in an adversarial light you'll be sitting in perpetuity waiting for the other shoe to drop "I KNEW things would implode, that this would happen again!")
-active listening - this is really key - we have two ears and only one mouth for a reason
-EMPATHY - this can't ever be overstated; often when your partner is upset you may need to HEAR their pain before you can address your own needs with him/her - I STRONGLY suggest Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication to really understand this and the notion that the only person who can meet your needs is YOU (you'll find the workshop on youtube, 3 hours long but no doubt life-altering)

By no means is this list exhaustive. But, nothing in it hints at power differentials/high/low statuses, living egoically etc.

You cannot have deep and meaningful connections with others until you have a deep and meaningful connection with yourself. THIS is the ROOT of being a 'strong' person - the people who have worked towards this worthy goal are the ones who have such a strong polarity/pull to others. Once you connect to yourself, you will find the beginning of truth, your truth; you will sit stoically in your body (not just your mind), find strength in being vulnerable, and ultimately lead a more fulfilling and enriching life.


You have 'weakness' and disfunction when you try to connect to yourself through others. It never works that way yet people often jump from relationship to relationship in some futile attempt to find themselves. It happens all around us, and until a person learns to inhabit their own body they will only perpetuate this pattern and feed the emptiness within.