PUA Forum :: Been together 17 years

After advice guys.

Been together with my wife for 17 years, married for the last 10 and have 2 kids. This year has been pretty rough, we haven't been the best friends or treated each other great for the last couple. Found out this year that she had got quite close to a male "friend" from the gym. They had been texting each other for months in secret and it had become quite flirty. I found out and obviously the shit hit the fan. She blamed me for not paying her enough attention or compliments and assured me that it never went past text flirting. I have to take that at face value, it's easier though as we both know where we are virtually all the time, so I'm not sure she had any opportunity. What's worse is this fucker goes to the same gym classes as the both of us (I joined her gum, we were at different ones before) so it is an awkward situation.

We are trying to make things work, and I just wondered if in your opinions PUA skills can work in a long term existing relationship? When you both know each other inside and out?

Also, I'm going to practice some skills just in case things head south, as I would be like a new born child should I need to start dating again lol.

Appreciate your time

LOVE IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is finished. You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry it on because it is comfortable, convenient, cozy. You can carry it on because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you… Relationship means something complete, finished, closed.

Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues– it is a continuum. It is a verb, not a noun.

Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted– that's what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either! It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful.

To think that you know your wife is very, very ungrateful. How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different. Relate again, start again, don't take it for granted.

And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That's what I mean by relating.

Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other's personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled. That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. - Osho

You said you both know each other inside and out.

So here is some advice from the eastern philosopher Osho:

Quote:

After advice guys.

Elements of pickup you absolutely CAN use while in a relationship, however, are more inner-game focused. Confidence and knowing your worth. Knowing what you should and shouldn't accept, and learning how to effectively deal with girls who cross your acceptability lines.

getting skills in the game can set me up should the worst happen as I would be on my arse in the dating game lol....

Thanks guys, she won't change Gyms as she has been going there for 10 years and knows everybody. It's something I will just have to deal with..

On one hand I see where her disagreeing to change gyms could be portrayed as a sign of disrespect. On the other hand, from the bigger picture, if the two of them were to go in to a grocery store and the bag boy flirts with her, is he to tell her she is not allowed to frequent said store ever again. It's not like she fucked the guy (as far as we know).

There are core issues to be addressed in this marriage that include mutual respect and getting the spark back. Sometimes I think married dudes are barking up the wrong tree coming here for advice. We're here to fuck around and have fun with multiple women, whereas marriages are serious bizness.

I probably will just keep doing this to the point where I can get a number or a kiss....shame tho...

Quote:

I probably will just keep doing this to the point where I can get a number or a kiss....shame tho...

Good on you for the new confidence. Ur playing with fire tho, me boy

Author:	Bargy [ Thu Dec 18, 2014 1:35 pm ]
Post subject:	Been together 17 years
After advice guys. Been together with my wife for 17 years, married for the last 10 and have 2 kids. This year has been pretty rough, we haven't been the best friends or treated each other great for the last couple. Found out this year that she had got quite close to a male "friend" from the gym. They had been texting each other for months in secret and it had become quite flirty. I found out and obviously the shit hit the fan. She blamed me for not paying her enough attention or compliments and assured me that it never went past text flirting. I have to take that at face value, it's easier though as we both know where we are virtually all the time, so I'm not sure she had any opportunity. What's worse is this fucker goes to the same gym classes as the both of us (I joined her gum, we were at different ones before) so it is an awkward situation. We are trying to make things work, and I just wondered if in your opinions PUA skills can work in a long term existing relationship? When you both know each other inside and out? Also, I'm going to practice some skills just in case things head south, as I would be like a new born child should I need to start dating again lol. Appreciate your time

Author:	CharlesFinley [ Thu Dec 18, 2014 2:11 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Quote: After advice guys. Been together with my wife for 17 years, married for the last 10 and have 2 kids. This year has been pretty rough, we haven't been the best friends or treated each other great for the last couple. Found out this year that she had got quite close to a male "friend" from the gym. They had been texting each other for months in secret and it had become quite flirty. I found out and obviously the shit hit the fan. She blamed me for not paying her enough attention or compliments and assured me that it never went past text flirting. I have to take that at face value, it's easier though as we both know where we are virtually all the time, so I'm not sure she had any opportunity. What's worse is this fucker goes to the same gym classes as the both of us (I joined her gum, we were at different ones before) so it is an awkward situation. We are trying to make things work, and I just wondered if in your opinions PUA skills can work in a long term existing relationship? When you both know each other inside and out? Also, I'm going to practice some skills just in case things head south, as I would be like a new born child should I need to start dating again lol. Appreciate your time If it bothers you, change gyms and ask her to do the same. I think that's a reasonable request, given what's happened. You do not need to game the girl you already have nearly as much as the one you're trying to get. I have found that you can't actually treat girls the same way as you would while employing pickup scenarios, or they just get pissed at you (a lot of them are based around jealousy, preselection, and not giving a fuck... and if you're with someone long-term, you can't 'not give a fuck' very effectively and still keep the girl). Elements of pickup you absolutely CAN use while in a relationship, however, are more inner-game focused. Confidence and knowing your worth. Knowing what you should and shouldn't accept, and learning how to effectively deal with girls who cross your acceptability lines.

Author:	luvmiddleage [ Thu Dec 18, 2014 3:30 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
I agree with the inner game work. It is probably the most important thing you can do. If you are out of shape, get in shape. Fit middle age guys are pretty rare. Dress better, improve your mood, work situation, whatever you can do do make yourself feel more worthy. Become aware of indicators of interest from women. That was a huge boost for me personally. You start seeing how desirable you actually are and I believe most men don't realize how much they are. Hard to tell you specifics beyond this, only you know the changes you can make to inprove yourself. Keep in mind that changing gyms, while probably a good move, is only a band aid. Women will cheat if they feel justified and the opportunity presents itself. Look for your own faults and fix them. This is part of the inner game. Realize that inner game work will also be criticl if this relationship fails. Also, have you done fun things as a family? It is important to feel the whole we are a family thing, for both of you.

Author:	Bargy [ Thu Dec 18, 2014 3:44 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Thanks guys, she won't change Gyms as she has been going there for 10 years and knows everybody. It's something I will just have to deal with. I am in very good shape, even at 39. I was a bit overweight when this happened and had let myself go a bit, but lost 2 stone and really shaped up over the last 6 months. The guy who she was chatting with isn't in good shape, he's pretty fat actually and not her type - he just showed her attention which she was craving from anyone as we had stopped showing each other attention. The dynamics of our relationship have changed, I was very much driving before - but that's changed. She's driving now and I can be a bit needy at times, so looking at the inner game is probably a good idea - where can I learn more about this please? She is good looking and in great shape (and knows it) and is using that to her advantage and milking it....

Author:	luvmiddleage [ Thu Dec 18, 2014 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Like all things of great importance, inner game is something that is not easy to describe or achieve mastery. It is a long individual path of self-discovery. But it comes down to you becoming and knowing that you are the shit. You're a 20 year old woman with hot looks and a smoking body in a room filled with men drooling all over you. Imagine how that same women would fee 30 years later, living in poverty, being fat, 50 years old and dumpy. The difference in how she feels about herself would be the equivelent of successful inner game and failure at inner game. While it seems that women have an advantage, realize that you are in demand. You are the shit and if you don't feel that, do things that will make you. That is inner game. I bet you feel a ton better about yourself and your desirability after losing the weight, that is inner game.

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Author:	oceanx [ Fri Dec 19, 2014 8:50 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
You said you both know each other inside and out. So here is some advice from the eastern philosopher Osho: Quote: LOVE IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is finished. You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry it on because it is comfortable, convenient, cozy. You can carry it on because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you… Relationship means something complete, finished, closed. Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues– it is a continuum. It is a verb, not a noun. Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted– that's what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either! It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful. To think that you know your wife is very, very ungrateful. How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different. Relate again, start again, don't take it for granted. And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That's what I mean by relating. Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other's personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled. That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. - Osho

Author:	Bargy [ Fri Dec 19, 2014 9:56 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Quote: You said you both know each other inside and out. So here is some advice from the eastern philosopher Osho: Quote: LOVE IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is finished. You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry it on because it is comfortable, convenient, cozy. You can carry it on because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you… Relationship means something complete, finished, closed. Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues– it is a continuum. It is a verb, not a noun. Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted– that's what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either! It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful. To think that you know your wife is very, very ungrateful. How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different. Relate again, start again, don't take it for granted. And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That's what I mean by relating. Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other's personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled. That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. - Osho That’s really true. After 17 years I don't feel like I know her at all at the minute. Thanks for your advice guys, I do think that looking at the inner game is something I should spend time on....making myself more or a valuable prospect and believing it myself. It's easy to lose self confidence after a knock like I had and hard to accept it. I don't like the fact that she is controlling where the relationship is and I need to wrestle that back, through being more alpha and more desirable. You do take each other for granted after so many years and both of us are like cat's circling at times....plus getting skills in the game can set me up should the worst happen as I would be on my arse in the dating game lol....

Author:	Bargy [ Fri Dec 19, 2014 9:59 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Quote: Quote: After advice guys. Elements of pickup you absolutely CAN use while in a relationship, however, are more inner-game focused. Confidence and knowing your worth. Knowing what you should and shouldn't accept, and learning how to effectively deal with girls who cross your acceptability lines. I would be interested if anyone has any material on how to deal with girls who cross your acceptability lines as that is quite relevant.....

Author:	oceanx [ Fri Dec 19, 2014 10:30 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Quote: getting skills in the game can set me up should the worst happen as I would be on my arse in the dating game lol.... There's only so much to do to validate your worthiness to the opposite sex if you intend on remaining faithful to your wife. BUT: It sounds like you are still attracted to her so seeing her in new lights should be enough motivation. And like the other guys said, look for IOIs from women as a way to boost your confidence.

Author:	neo87 [ Fri Dec 19, 2014 10:33 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Quote: Thanks guys, she won't change Gyms as she has been going there for 10 years and knows everybody. It's something I will just have to deal with.. Not much advice can really help you tbh as your wife doesn't care. This sentence here shows that she can't do something difficult to help your marriage and the situation SHE put herself in. You'll just deal it with?! She's not sorry, she's not placing value on your marriage. At 17 years together, not much can be done if only one person cares.

Author:	oceanx [ Fri Dec 19, 2014 10:51 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
On one hand I see where her disagreeing to change gyms could be portrayed as a sign of disrespect. On the other hand, from the bigger picture, if the two of them were to go in to a grocery store and the bag boy flirts with her, is he to tell her she is not allowed to frequent said store ever again. It's not like she fucked the guy (as far as we know). There are core issues to be addressed in this marriage that include mutual respect and getting the spark back. Sometimes I think married dudes are barking up the wrong tree coming here for advice. We're here to fuck around and have fun with multiple women, whereas marriages are serious bizness.

Author:	neo87 [ Fri Dec 19, 2014 11:28 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Quote: On one hand I see where her disagreeing to change gyms could be portrayed as a sign of disrespect. On the other hand, from the bigger picture, if the two of them were to go in to a grocery store and the bag boy flirts with her, is he to tell her she is not allowed to frequent said store ever again. It's not like she fucked the guy (as far as we know). There are core issues to be addressed in this marriage that include mutual respect and getting the spark back. Sometimes I think married dudes are barking up the wrong tree coming here for advice. We're here to fuck around and have fun with multiple women, whereas marriages are serious bizness. Yeah I agree marriage is serious and it takes 2 people committed to making it work. My problem with her not changing gyms is not the disrespect, but that it signals that she is not committed to make their situation better. She was flirting with a guy there, maybe more but regardless she isn't taking responsibility for her actions. She's blamed Op so he has to fix things. If she wants to make her marriage better, she'd leave the gym so Op won't have to go through the awkwardness or have at the back of his mind whether she's still seeing the guy. If she cared she would, because if Ops mind is more at ease, they can better fix things. She could make Ops job easier but she isn't. She's telling him, you go through the awkwardness of seeing the guy I may have fucked or was about to fuck, you go through wondering whether I spoke with him at the vending machine today.. And figure out how to fix our relationship. It takes 2 and when someone can't do their part to fix things, it's telling of where things are heading on how serious they are about solving issues.

Author:	Bargy [ Sun Dec 21, 2014 11:06 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Cheers for the feedback guys. Been having a bit of fun with PuA, only really got interested a few weeks ago, but I can see its value, not just for women but for the whole self confidence thing. Already started visualising that I'm a rock star when I walk into a room and you know what, people do start to take more notice! changed my posture, trying to look at my body language and smiling much more. Tried messing with the newb task where you make eye contact with people while your out and about and just say hello to all the attractive women - they really respond well! Most look a bit surprised that you spoke with them and blush, a few other really attractive women started to seriously give me the eye (just caught their eye from a distance and held it for 3/4 seconds. Then I went out last night with a group of people from our local gym (yearly xmas gym night out) and made a point of speaking with as many women as I could, had to be careful though as the wife was out with me lol. She didn't get annoyed as I didn't take numbers or anything, just opened when it was natural (didn't go looking) and tried to build value, thre in a few negs etc. I was chatting with this one girl at the bar who was trying to get the bartenders attention, she said she really fancied him - I said he was just a young pup and she had no chance lmao, she took it quite well..Anyway, I made her catch his attention to get me served first, which she did. Was just leaving the bar and she was stood with her friend at the door (who was much more attractive than her) and she grabbed me and said "this is the guy I was telling you about" I flirted with them both for a minute or two and said kiss goodby (pointed too my cheek) The fit one just grabbed me and started snogging my face off lol. Luckily my mrs had gone out first so lucky escape. I felt so good for the rest if the night though, my mrs was throwing herself at me - can only put it down to the self confidence I must have been putting out. Shame I'm married as I could really get into this, but I have no plans on splitting. I probably will just keep doing this to the point where I can get a number or a kiss....shame tho...

Author:	oceanx [ Mon Dec 22, 2014 2:15 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Quote: I probably will just keep doing this to the point where I can get a number or a kiss....shame tho... Good on you for the new confidence. Ur playing with fire tho, me boy

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Author:	luvmiddleage [ Mon Dec 22, 2014 6:39 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Been together 17 years
Quote: Quote: I probably will just keep doing this to the point where I can get a number or a kiss....shame tho... Good on you for the new confidence. Ur playing with fire tho, me boy Fire for sure. inner game work is one thing, putting yourself in a position to cheat or be perceived as trying to is a huge leap into danger. And if by chance, you are suddenly super attracted to one of those women you game, it may open pandora's box. Game will f with your head at this stage in your life, trust me. If you have been with someone for 17 years, casual sex will probably not exist in your reality and a fling, even if you have a short one and never get caught will f you up. Though I doubt anyone will heed my warnings, some things people must learn on their own.