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| Need some expert advice here.. https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=128&t=185347 |
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| Author: | DM [ Fri Nov 07, 2014 11:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Need some expert advice here.. |
This little situation is about my gf and I, and I need some straight black and white who's right who's wrong and what to do's. In the beginning of our relationship (1 and a half years together) i was extremely insecure, and would secretly go through her things -- read her journal, went through her phone ect. When I told her about this, naturally she was upset and since then I've really had to find it in me to accept and trust her. Fast-forward to yesterday, Im sitting in her car waiting for her as she goes into a gas station. I grabbed her phone to put on a song from youtube, when all of the sudden she appears out of nowhere like a fucking genie and catches me with her phone. She snatches it and assumes that i was going through her stuff, mind you 'youtube' is still open. She comes back in and i tell her what was actually going on. She doesnt believe me, all hell breaks loose, and the downward spiral keeps spiraling downward. Eventually it gets to the point where she wants me to apologize and 'understand why she would think i was going through her things', but in anger i refused to acknowledge i did anything wrong. Why would I? I was wrongly accused and was now being reprimanded for doing nothing wrong. By the end of it all, she dropped me off at a bus stop and Im bussing home fuming at what just happened. A day later and we havent talked, so I need some advice here, on who's right, and what I should do? Maintain radio silence? Call her? This throws me off and I dont want my ego dictating my judgement. |
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| Author: | oceanx [ Sat Nov 08, 2014 2:57 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Need some expert advice here.. |
She has you framed in her mind a certain way, and even though you were telling the truth, she will not believe you. Some people have an erroneous belief that "a leopard doesn't change his spots" and they actually believe others cannot change. This seems to be happening here. I've been in these sorts of toxic relationships in the past. Drop the girl and all the fucking drama is what I would do. She doesn't trust you. Find a girl who does. |
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| Author: | Rebooting [ Tue Nov 11, 2014 11:13 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Need some expert advice here.. |
Quote: She has you framed in her mind a certain way, and even though you were telling the truth, she will not believe you. Some people have an erroneous belief that "a leopard doesn't change his spots" and they actually believe others cannot change. This seems to be happening here.
I wouldn't call myself an expert by any means, but I'll chime in here with my thoughts anyway. I've been in these sorts of toxic relationships in the past. Drop the girl and all the fucking drama is what I would do. She doesn't trust you. Find a girl who does. I second what Oceanx said in the way that when trust is broken, it can be nigh impossible to reestablish... And in all fairness, you are only paying the price of your own actions. Shouldn't have checked her phone in the first place. ANYWAY, I think that straight up dropping this relationship is a bit radical if you really care about it. If you want to stay in it, I guess you will have to try to reestablish the trust that has been lost. The way I would go on about it, if I was you, is actually openly discussing the issue. Tell your girl that yes, you made a mistake in the past and you accept the blame for it. Also convey that you have improved and would never do such a thing again, but that you need her to make a conscious effort as well and to stop blaming you at the slightest chance, since this is seriously damaging your relationship and you have absolutely no way to counteract it. Once this is done, this is where the "tough" part begins... Just don't do this ever again. Don't give her a reason to distrust you. Please note that this will only work if she also puts in some effort from her side, and you should convey that as well. If you absolutely cannot fix those trust issues, then, well... The relationhip is really fucked and you should start thinking about your way ouy. |
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| Author: | _Lothario_ [ Wed Nov 12, 2014 4:07 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Need some expert advice here.. |
Really, you should maintain your position, and she has to decide if she is ready to trust you again and let the past go. I'm assuming the reason why she knows you went through her phone in the first place is because you confronted her about seeing things you don't like. Maybe she is hiding something now. Either way, in order for your relationship to move forward, you both have to trust each other. It's easier to establish trust before monogamy, through friendship and compartmentalizing your intimacy with each other. Ultimatum should be set so you are not further investing your time and energy if you cannot move on. |
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| Author: | _Lothario_ [ Mon Nov 17, 2014 2:52 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Need some expert advice here.. |
Quote: My expert advice is you should have apologize but maintaining your story. If you would have handle this well, she'd feel guilty about getting upset and probably apologized also. But you didn't, so she probably won't.
And it is clear your insecurity still plagues you in other ways -- learn how to handle conflict in a tempered manner. Don't view things as two separate people in a tug of war, but part of a team on the same side of the rope. Ultimatums and binary thinking (admit wrong or we are over) are really not useful for run of the mill couple fights. If a girl did this to a guy on this board, they'd say she was acting like a child who refuses to play This isn't a run of the mill couple fight. He has another post or two about this. But in a cheating situation, An agreement needs to be met and kept. The same goes for any kind of break in trust. If you deserve better than the SPAM you're getting, don't settle due to your emotional attachment. Don't let people take advantage of you for any reason, including love. You both need to settle this up and move on, or you should move on yourself. |
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| Author: | lowriderzzz [ Fri Nov 21, 2014 1:45 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Need some expert advice here.. |
Quote: -- learn how to handle conflict in a tempered manner.
How to do it... by consciously putting effort ? Tips, ideas on that ?
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