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Current Girlfriend Going Hot and Cold
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Author:  satnydj [ Mon Sep 08, 2014 5:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Current Girlfriend Going Hot and Cold
Apologize for the long post in advance, but here we go:

Met this girl not too long after getting out of a long term marriage, yes marriage. Girl was head over heels about me and me about her. She is everything that I had wanted and been missing in my previous relationship. Things were great for like 3 months, spending time together, texting a lot, and general making plans together regularly.

All of a sudden she goes cold, like not the same level of intimacy, passion, and desire to be around me. Through patience and talking with her came to find out, that she was struggling with our relationship and how she perceived it to affect co-workers opinions of her because of the quick turn around from my marriage. (fyi: we are co-workers in a LARGE organization)

After that, things got better for a little while, not quite to where it was, but still good.

Then last weekend, for some reason she went perusing my facebook page and saw a post from like Christmas where my ex thanked me for a gift that I had given her, and she turned cold almost immediately. I told my now girlfriend that regardless of what she saw on Facebook, things were bad between us for at least the last year and a half and off and on bad well before that.

Since that time, I pulled back a little to give her space to work through the things she had told me ("I can't give 110 while you are still legally married" "I'll hate you when you ask for space after we've been together for a year")

Then this past week she texts me that she misses me and wants me to come stay with her the next night. So I do. We are casual in chatting and hold each other throughout the night. I leave her a note telling her how much she means to me the next day and head off to work.

Since then she has been off, she texts me each day, but it's all very cursory information, and just surface level questions. She did run to my house and brought me snacks one morning when I wasn't feeling great the night before, but in general she's been very distant.

Just looking for some outside perspective and thoughts on how I should handle this? Thanks.
Author:  CharlesFinley [ Mon Sep 08, 2014 6:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Current Girlfriend Going Hot and Cold
You need to have an actual discussion with her about this. You can't ask us what's wrong with her - cause we don't know her... And what you're describing is either jealousy or a crazy person, or something else entirely that we aren't privy to.

I assume you want her back and you're willing to make some changes in order to get her back?

What's the problem with having an actual sit down 1:1 coffee and discussing the problem?

You're not children. Communicate!

Tell her you're not happy with how things are going and you want to fix it but you don't know how. Ask what she wants... What would make her happy?

If her requests are reasonable (like block your ex and delete her off FB) then just do it.
Author:  satnydj [ Mon Sep 08, 2014 6:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Current Girlfriend Going Hot and Cold
Thanks for the feedback.

Addendum for more assistance. I have tried to have conversations about these concerns in the past and she tells me that everything is fine, when it obviously isn't. I give specific examples and she gets defensive. I believe we should talk about it, and foresee it probably bringing about an end to the relationship, but I am struggling to figure out the best way to broach the subject.
Author:  BrandonMarshall [ Wed Sep 10, 2014 12:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Current Girlfriend Going Hot and Cold
Is the divorce finalized? You have to look at it on her end... she may think this marriage is something that's still lingering in your life.

You need to talk to her and show her you commitment to ending this marriage completely if there's anything still lingering. You need to show here that you're 110% in this with her and I'm not saying you are... but you have to get your ex wife away from you as far as possible.
Author:  younglady [ Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Current Girlfriend Going Hot and Cold
So basically you want a girl to date you while you're still married... :roll:
Author:  satnydj [ Wed Sep 10, 2014 10:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Current Girlfriend Going Hot and Cold
Quote:
Is the divorce finalized? You have to look at it on her end... she may think this marriage is something that's still lingering in your life.

You need to talk to her and show her you commitment to ending this marriage completely if there's anything still lingering. You need to show here that you're 110% in this with her and I'm not saying you are... but you have to get your ex wife away from you as far as possible.
Yeah, this is probably causing some of the issues. It's in process, but not finalized, so I could understand her hesitancy in that regard.
Quote:
So basically you want a girl to date you while you're still married... :roll:
Actually, I want to understand this sudden change in the relationship, she wanted to get involved, knowing my back story, and is currently dating me given all of that, just treating me differently.

We didn't start seeing each other until I was separated, emotionally and physically, so I was looking for advice on why the sudden change, and I appreciate Brandon's insight.
Author:  satnydj [ Thu Sep 18, 2014 2:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Current Girlfriend Going Hot and Cold
Update:

Things are better on my end in the relationship because I have realized that I was expecting too much from someone too early in the relationship. Figured out, currently, a good balance of speaking with her, and spending time with her, and being on my own. It was just different to transition to that after having been married.

However,

I was wondering if other people have experienced a gf that goes hot and cold on a day to day basis and what did you do to work on the relationship and to have it work in the long run? Just looking for tips, since I have been out of the dating realm for such a long time. Thanks!
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