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| Second guessing and brooding https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=128&t=180883 |
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| Author: | Monophthalmos [ Thu Jun 26, 2014 11:45 am ] |
| Post subject: | Second guessing and brooding |
Hi, I am happy with my gf and vice versa. We're mid 30ies and employed. We're into each other bit our personalities are leading to dumb problems. She has daddy issues (alcoholic who left her Mother and her when she was 9). Her mother is suffering from dememtia since several years. So she has learned to depend on herself and watches out for anything that might encroach on her independence. Her last ltr ended 3 years ago when her might-be parents in law wanted her to marry the son and buy into the family business. She saw this as too intrusive and severed. She then went onto a 3 year sabbatical from relationships. I am the first guy she's been with since then. Sthen.She is undecided about children but thinks she should make up her mind within the next years. So far so normal. But her cautious nature leads her to second guess relationships in general. Everytime we have a great time there is a phase of second guessing to be expected. When she met one of my friends with whom I share a lot of activities I don't share with her (quizzing and philosophical debates) she began asking herself if I wouldn't be happier with somebody more into this stuff etc. She also is jealous of my time as a bachelor which I spent with women (about 6 during the 9 months before we met) and my ex gf (which is into quizzes and lhilosophy) and with whom I am on friendly terms. When she begins brooding and second guessing I lose my frame because I have begun planning for the possibility of a future together with her. This jojoing makes me sick and worse : it makes me insecure. I then get nervous when she isn't in the mood and freeze up, seeking distance to prevent myself fro. acting needy.As we both have a tendency to brood over stuff and we both like to talk about it, this creates a toxic SPAM which takes a few days to be resolved. Then it is super intensive and intimate again. How can I strengthen my frame and.make myself more robust? I don't suffer from this fear of loss in an affair and hate to lapse like this. Thx. |
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| Author: | Heywood Jablowme [ Thu Jun 26, 2014 4:43 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Second guessing and brooding |
The tragedy of falling for a broken woman. I feel you pal. Yet she has become a significant part of your life. But you are not happy in life, she will push you away from your outside interests, and with all the other 'Red Flags' the relationship has a high % chance to self destruct. 1. Daddy issues. 2. No thoughts of reproduction without coercion. 3. Low interest in relationships. The focus needs to be your long term happiness. Not hers. |
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| Author: | n2thevoid [ Fri Jun 27, 2014 8:39 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Second guessing and brooding |
I'll use my psychology know-how to take a stab at it. Learn to fend for herself, caregivers not particularly responsive, values autonomy a bit more than the standard bird who had a more secure parental attachment figures. Probably hyper sensitive to this need for autonomy, but also extremely vigilant to any perceived threat to an attachment figure when she actually allows herself to vulnerable enough to have one (big risk for her - on the one hand losing herself in another person and her perceived autonomy, and also external threats to that attachment, real or imagined). 6 female friends, yes she'll feel insecure given her history of course. The brooding would be expected, and short of placating her what you can do is set healthy STRONG boundaries with her. She's likely not used to having other people set those boundaries, and has had to rely on herself to either set them in relationship or just keep other people at arm's length not fully letting them inside. She's connected to you, and as such the investment she has is under threat to you having these female friends; we both know your intent isn't to have a harem of women or have any of these girls as orbiters (you remind me of me in this sense, and yes it partially resulted in the demise of the relationship with my last girlfriend, who was a mess anyway). You cannot yield to the frame of appeasing her by getting rid of these friends; well, you can but say this relationship doesn't pan out, then you've lost a fair chunk of your support network - not fair to ask someone to give that up UNLESS there was evidence that the women of your life were in fact trying to undermine the relationship/had their own agenda beyond that of friends. Again, strong boundaries, this isn't about egos its about keeping true to your values while also helping her in understanding what healthy boundaries look like. If you've been weak in this department with this particular woman, it will be difficult, an uphill battle at first as she won't buy into the authenticity of it all and it may all seem a bit capricious and unreasonable to her. Regardless, if you don't set these parameters to the relationship expect more brooding to occur with the likelihood of giving up other things that are important to you to placate this person's demands. These seem like her own issues moreso than those of the relationship and would probably continue in any relationship she ends up in, so this could be a golden opportunity for the two of you to grow together, the initiative is yours to take, should you decide to put in the work. |
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| Author: | Monophthalmos [ Sat Jun 28, 2014 5:52 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Second guessing and brooding |
First of all thx for the responses. I apologize for the shitty formatting, I am typing this on a commuting trip on my phone. I do not think she's broken as she's too stable in many other areas. The thing about her fear of loss and my happiness being crucial is spot on. She's insecure about my ex - I do not plan to rekindle this relationship even though we very much respect each other. She compares herself to my ex and asks why I should be with a woman so different like her. She sees that we have differing talents and asks herself if this will be enough for the long haul. She fears that I will look for work somewhere else. She fears that we don't have a big common project to work on as she's more of an artistic artisan and I am an academic. She looks at her bff with envy because she has no qualms about moving in with her mew bf whereas she has never moved in woth any ltr. She fears that she's more vulnerable to break up because I recover quicker. (A reason she resents the half dozen affairs I had shortly after my last ltr when it took her three years to date again). Etc. This pisses me off, because I do not plan 5 years ahead but want to see where this leads. And instead of letting it run its course and enjoy the good time we have every two to four weeks there's this pang of doubts (examples see above ) followed by blissful stretches. At first I was aloof but it is nagging at my frame. What would be a boundary against this? Telling her to make up her mind doesn't seem productive to me. Cheers, Mono |
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| Author: | n2thevoid [ Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:43 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Second guessing and brooding |
So she's living in an imagined future that may or may not ever occur. Her constant anxiety however will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy in pushing you away, and I gather this has been a previous pattern of hers that just became validated over time (pushing ppl away and confirming to herself that she will be alone). The reality is these are her issues. You can offer support but ultimately it has to come from her to do something about all of this. You can choose not to give it credence, but at the end of the day it would be fruitful to get into some sort of dialogue about her need for security, and how it can be met, that's why i STRONGLY STRONGLY urge you to listen to Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication. It can be found on youtube (about 3 hours) but it'll change your life and help you immensely in navigating this relationship as well as any other. It's very powerful and practical stuff. |
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| Author: | Monophthalmos [ Mon Aug 11, 2014 9:45 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Second guessing and brooding |
Well, thanks. It has taken me some time to get 3h of leisure time. But I am following your Rosenberg-Advice. It is indeed eye-opening. I can only thumb it up and recommend it to anyone else who is interested in a more constructive communication. |
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