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gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social circle
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Author:  Gonas [ Sat Apr 05, 2014 2:11 pm ]
Post subject:  gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social circle
so i'm into a newborn relationship, 5 weeks in. this girls seems very attached to me. she calls me every day we don't meet. openly communicates to everyone that we are boyfriend and girlfriend (even forces it, tbh). i already know her parents and we hung out with her best friend already, so this is not that "she wants to hide me" issue.

the problem is she just never wants to go out with me if it isn't to a place she suggested herself. she always has some lame or semi-legitimate excuse. as a consequence, she never met my social circle, which i hate, because i really like her and i want her to be part of it, dammit.

last friday i scheduled a dinner in a cool restaurant with two friends of mine (both dating, gf's went too). my mistake for making plans without checking with her first, forget about it. well... i told her one day before that it was scheduled and she just said she would be too tired from work (her work is legitimally tiresome - six days a week as a shop manager) and really didn't want to go out. friday she called me begging for me to cancel the dinner and staying at her house, but it didn't feel wise to submit, then i told her "you're more than welcome to join and i actually wish you to join, but this is a place i want to go today and these are people i want to hang with today. so i'm going. with you or without you. your choice". when i arrived home after the dinner, i texted her and she was crying of lust for me. just got to a cab and went straight to my apartment and we banged all night. good.

so it doesn't look like a "she doesn't want to be with me" or "she's banging other guys" problem too.

there were other little episodes where we would possibly meet with my friends and she always avoided them like hell. i also play in a band and invited her to watch a rehearsal and go to a bar later, but she always declined. she just declines whatever i plan, no matter what. it's not like we never go out, but it's always in her own terms. so she's kinda leading, i'm kinda the chaser and this has to stop right now!


and then, yesterday...

we were both a bit tired, as she works till 8pm and i study till 9pm, but we always meet on fridays anyway. we try to keep it light because she works saturday. it almost always ends on beer and sex in my house until 4am anyway haha. my housemate invited some friends yesterday though (two girls and one guy). she was aware of it. we had plans of staying in her house because her parents would travel, but they had a minor fight and decided to stay. i told her "well, come here then" and she started bullshiting about being too tired and not wanting to get dressed and all of that, and then asked me to stay at her house and drink and chat with she and her parents - "but you know we can't have sex, right?"

WHAT THE F'ING F!?

me: no f'ing way!
she: please please please i'll do whatever you want
me: two weeks of free access to your ass
she: haha fuck you
me: alright alright. i do it but next friday you'll come with me to wherever i want us to go. no questions. deal?
she: deal.


next friday, one of my favourite bands in the entire country is going to play in a club here. i'm thrilled about it and i'm going there no matter what. she doesn't like the music. it's not like she hates, but it's a bit heavy for her tastes. anyway, i went with her to a concert of one of the lame-ass romantic rock bands she likes already, so i have credits. so at one point in the night while we were chatting with her parents about concerts, i told her our plans to next friday will be going to the concert of that band i like. she immediately retreated like "no way, you planned this all since the beginning (i.e: yeah, i kinda did. i'm evil)! i hate this band, i'm not going. you can go alone if you wish".

no further argument. my mistake.

i should be happy to be allowed to go alone to a club and be able to game chicks (all in good fun of course), but there's a bigger issue to be solved here, so that won't work for me this time.

so we (she) made plans for today, to meet her parents in a bar this afternoon after she's out from work (i don't care to meet them, her dad is funny as hell and we usually have a good time teasing our chicks) and then go back to my place and fuck.


end of story.


idk what's up with her. insecurity? laziness? it seems a bit like sociopathy, but it can't be, she has a wide circle of friends herself and is very outgoing. it feels quite immature, but she's 29. i'm puzzled. what does this chick want afterall?


my plan:

- wait for her to call me.
- ask her: "hi babe, u good with maths? i need some help here... so we're dating for hmmm five weeks, right? can you tell me, out of these 5 weeks, how many times have i invited you to go out and do something with me and you have accepted?" (the answer is one, but i can frame it as a zero cos i think she won't remember haha)
- she'll get the message, probably argue / complain about i making a drama of it
- i say: "you can make whatever you want out of it, i just want you to think about your own attitude. i'm disappointed that you always put my plans down no matter what they are. it makes you look lazy and selfish. i don't care if i eventually 'waste' a weekend day chatting with your parents or watching lame bands you like. i know i'll have fun at the end because i'll be with you and it's really great when you're around. but it seems like you can't do the same, even when you promise to me you'd do. you're my girlfriend and i want you to be my partner, i want us to work like a team. but you don't want to compromise to make this happen, so i won't do it either. go and drink with your parents, i'm not going."
- try my best to make it as short as possible after saying that.
- i might agree to go, but ONLY if she voluntarily changes her mind about the concert without acting bitchy. she gave me her word and she has to honour it.


i might be making a big deal out of nothing, but it honestly doesn't sound like that to me. this girl have problems, i'm just having trouble to pinpoint what's this all about.

what do you think about the situation and what do you think about my gameplan? too reactive? needy? or is that alright?
Author:  neo87 [ Sat Apr 05, 2014 3:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
Just meet her in person and ask why and say your point of view.
Author:  Gonas [ Sat Apr 05, 2014 3:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
the problem of meeting her in person is that our next meetup without this conversation will mean me freely submitting to her lame plans once more (drinking with her parents again - that's what is scheduled for this afternoon - and we can't have this conversation around them).

i already complained to her about this behaviour in other occasions, but nothing too strong. i feel like i have to punish her to be taken seriously and this just sounds like a golden opportunity - flaking her parents, supported by something she promised me to do and now denies to fullfill, both things being kind of correlated - what else can beat that?
Author:  neo87 [ Sat Apr 05, 2014 3:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
Just "hey we need to talk" .... meet me at x or come to my place.
Author:  Gonas [ Sat Apr 05, 2014 3:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
not possible, she's working right now.

but alright. when she's free i'm gonna say "i'm not sure i want to go to this bar, can we meet first?"

but then what would you say in my spot? something along the lines of what i wrote or what?

thanks!
Author:  Gonas [ Mon Apr 07, 2014 1:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
i'm ashamed of this thread after this weekend. i clearly overanalysed things and tried to create issues where they didn't exist. this girl is amazing and is totally in love with me. i'm glad i didn't give any stupid ultimatum. it wasn't needed.

when in doubt, share love. negativity kills.
Author:  Zirk13 [ Mon Apr 07, 2014 1:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
it really just seems like she holds the reigns here, if she gets bored with this, she may cheat seeing as shes showing clear signs that its her way or nothing. but thats just an interpretation. Its just clear she owns the relationship
Author:  Zirk13 [ Mon Apr 07, 2014 1:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
if we can ask is the age range different
Author:  Shirnak [ Mon Apr 07, 2014 1:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
Quote:
i'm ashamed of this thread after this weekend. i clearly overanalysed things and tried to create issues where they didn't exist. this girl is amazing and is totally in love with me. i'm glad i didn't give any stupid ultimatum. it wasn't needed.

when in doubt, share love. negativity kills.
you should be ashamed of that post, not the thread you made. theres clearly a problem there, dont let the girl be the master, youll regret it.
Author:  neo87 [ Mon Apr 07, 2014 4:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
Quote:
the problem of meeting her in person is that our next meetup without this conversation will mean me freely submitting to her lame plans once more (drinking with her parents again - that's what is scheduled for this afternoon - and we can't have this conversation around them).

i already complained to her about this behaviour in other occasions, but nothing too strong. i feel like i have to punish her to be taken seriously and this just sounds like a golden opportunity - flaking her parents, supported by something she promised me to do and now denies to fullfill, both things being kind of correlated - what else can beat that?
Never suggested an ultimatum. Only talking to her about something that bothered you which is healthy. If she is meeting your friends and joining you in your interests now, good. If she is not and you are finding a way to live with it, bad.
Author:  do8 [ Mon Apr 07, 2014 7:35 am ]
Post subject:  Re: gf never comes to places I suggest or meets my social ci
her being in love does not solve the problem, believe me.
and she can fall out of love easier than you think :)

It might not be anything about the relationship, it might just be a social-related disorder. My girlfriend has this problem with meeting people as well, but it is way not as bad as here.

Girls with those kinds of hiccups are best avoided, especially at her age. IMHO it is a bit creepy.
Author:  Gonas [ Mon Apr 07, 2014 1:51 pm ]
Post subject:  "
nah, i should have been more specific

the drinks with her parents cancelled them out themselves. parents got to the bar 5 hours before what we had scheduled, because of random circumstances. she got angry mad at them and asked for us to meet for something else a little bit later, after she had some rest and cooled down her mood.

two hours later she called and asked me what i wanted to do for the night, i said i was tired and hungry and would like just the two of us to chill in a bar close to my house where we could have a meal. she said she was hungry too and agreed.

we met at my apartment door. our conversations then went like this:

- in the way to the bar: she telling stories about her week at work, work problems, family problems, i just hear and support.

- first few drinks: she says her social circle is starting to complain that now she doesn't do anything besides dating me and working (she started in the job shortly after we met), but she said she has such a short time in the weekend given her job schedule that she has to prioritize and she wants to spend this time with me. i jump in and say i feel the same way as her about our free time but we should start to see our friends more often when we're together, this way we could keep our social life in check without having to abstain from seeing each other. she agrees. so she basically put my own worries on the table before i even tried to.

- while eating: i propose what to do of our sunday. won't go into details but it would be quite expendable for our energies and would start at a time where we should still be in bed recovering from our night of sex. so i genuinely wanted to do it, but i knew the chance of her dismissing it was 99.9%, and she dismissed. so i say "well, you know you owe me one after being abducted to spend a fri-fucking-friday in a kitchen table with your parents, and you said you'd do whatever i want because of it. but being a supportive and democratic boyfriend as i am, i'm gonna give you the option of how you want to pay me: accept my plans for tomorrow or accept to join me on next friday concert. your call". she: "baby, you know how tired i am on friday and you know i have to wake up early on saturday, don't you?" me: "yes i do, pick your choice". she: "alright asshole, i'm going with you next friday, but let's try not to go back home too late". me: "deal".

- last few drinks: her insecurity time. she says something platonic about her plans for future. i say something like "yeah, it will be great to do that with you if we're still dating". then she goes all "why do you always say that? why is there always an 'if'? don't you believe in our relationship? i KNOW i want to be with you forever. don't you feel the same? why is it so hard for you to believe?"

the truth we all know is we're infatuated and there's no way to tell how long this will last until the test of time is passed. but she already sees me as husband material, says she knows in her "rational" mind that i'm the one, that she trusts me inconditionally and see in my eyes that she can... long story short, she's a semi-cougar with one-itis. my investment level isn't low at all, so this might even work long term, but for me she's just a girl that i really really like and that i'm still getting to know (it's just five weeks afterall, wtf girl).

of course, i haven't worded it to her this way. i just let things in the air and showed appreciation for her investment. let her live her soap opera, that's great for me.

after that, sex sex sex in night, sex sex sex in the morning. i went to my band's rehearsal and she went home to sleep. she met me later to watch a soccer game with me and my bandmates. points for her.

so i assume i probably analysed things excessively over a low/unreliable sample size. she's agreeing to join my friends and interests afterall. no drama.

fwiw, she's 29 yo. i'm 32. i wouldn't say she owns the relationship. she's more proactive than me for sure, so i can easily get drained if i get loose with my frame. but she is definitely more emotionally invested than i am and it balances it out nicely.

still open to judgement lol
and yeah, i know this looks like it's going too fast. "i know i want to be with you forever" :S is this normal to hear at this stage?
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