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GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
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Author:  AbsoluteZero [ Tue Mar 11, 2014 1:15 pm ]
Post subject:  GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
My girlfriend of 6 months is still socially intertwined with her ex. A couple years ago she and 9 other people all taught English abroad for a year. When they got back she moved cross country to move in with him. They broke up about a year later and a shortly after she started seeing me. The group is “tight knit.” They have a running facebook chat every day and now they travel cross country when someone has a kid or gets married.

The group is half her social life despite the ex being the only other person who lives in this town.

Before I knew about this I once said in a hypothetical conversation “there’s no reason to talk to an ex after a break up other than to pick up your stuff. You’ve gotta move on and move forward.” and she said “not necessarily” and we left it at that.

She talks about the group and the chat regularly, but omits mention of him to spare my feelings. Is it reasonable for me to be pissed? There’s no good time to bring this up. There’s sort of a behind-my-back element in play here. Then again, I suppose I have no right to be pissed having never voiced this.

We should probably communicate or something, right? I don’t want to be the insecure needy boyfriend writing asking for help on internet forums.

What do I do?
Author:  do8 [ Tue Mar 11, 2014 1:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
Quote:
I don’t want to be the insecure needy boyfriend writing asking for help on internet forums.
You don't want but you did it anyway :) nothing wrong or insecure about asking help here. But you seem to be insecure with her
Quote:
Is it reasonable for me to be pissed?
IMHO no

I mean you did not mention what the drill was, does she give more attn to him than other group members? If he is treated equally as others, nothing to worry about
Author:  AbsoluteZero [ Tue Mar 11, 2014 1:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
Quote:
I mean you did not mention what the drill was, does she give more attn to him than other group members? If he is treated equally as others, nothing to worry about
she doesn't mention him at all. But I know he's in the chat and he occasionally tags the whole group in a facebook message.

It would be a total dick move to try to extradite her from her friends. I don't think that's what I want to do.

But pretending to be unaware of his presence or never mentioning it kind of creates this frame where she can omit info? It actually makes the situation far more scandalous.

I don't want to be all like YO BABE I KNOW YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR EX BUT I THOUGHT IT OVER AND I GUESS IM OKAY WITH IT... or do I?
Author:  do8 [ Tue Mar 11, 2014 1:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
Quote:
I don't want to be all like YO BABE I KNOW YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR EX BUT I THOUGHT IT OVER AND I GUESS IM OKAY WITH IT... or do I?
no you don't

but what's wrong between them if they have non-romantic relationship related to her hobby/job/whatever it is

Well I have never had any problems with my gf's exes but again she does not keep in touch with them, I don't think I would have a problem with that if she kept in that manner as your GF does.

Play it cool. Don't pretend he does not exist. Ask how it goes, how is he doing, is he still active in their activities. Show that you are aware about him, but also show that it does not disturb you. Why should it?

I mean, what are they doing they should not? Nothing? So work on yourself.
Author:  JimmyG_123 [ Tue Mar 11, 2014 8:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
Kind of depends, who broke up with who? Women can be super hung up on guys that broke up with them or cheated on them, especially if they thought he was the "one" and shit. Women get way more emotionally bought in that guys.
Author:  odyn [ Tue Mar 11, 2014 10:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
I agree it depends on a lot of variables as the above poster mentioned...who broke up with who and for what reasons. I was dating a girl for a few months, who acted completely and totally in love with me, always initiated, always wanted to see me etc. etc. She was still friends with her first "true" love, they shared all of the same friends, ran around at the same places, lived in the same town. He cheated on her and didn't give a shit about her from what her friends told me, when they were dating. He started showing interest, being extremely nice, messaging her when she graduated etc....She got colder toward me, I went beta and she went back to him, within 6 months they bought a house together. Do I think she was ever really over him...fuck no. Even though they had broken up years earlier...girls that have had there heart broken(especially by first loves) have a tendency to carry a flame for the dude.

My suggestion would be to play it cool but talk to her about it next time she brings up the group. After the talk go with your gut. If its telling you something is amiss then try not to get to attached. In the mean time fuck her brains out and continue to show her a great time. Make her forget all the memories with him and make her excited to start new ones with you. The rest will take care of itself.
Author:  AbsoluteZero [ Wed Mar 12, 2014 12:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
I agree I'd feel way better if she dumped him. But alas this is untrue...

she SEEMS to be madly in love with me usually when she's not in bitch mode. But I'm having doubts about the whole relationship - I mean she used to cook me dinner twice a week and fuck me 3 or for times. Now the fucking is 2 or 3 and the dinner is gone (grad school). Shallow way to evaluate a relationship probably, but hey. My natural inclination is for me to turn down the attention and affection - but any time I've ever done that the relationship dissipates within a month or 2.
Author:  odyn [ Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:46 am ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
Dude why turn down the attention and sex? Just keep your eyes wide open, talk with her...which by now you should be able to do since you have been seeing her for 6 months and see what turns up. Don't start trying to play games or try to do things to make her fall in love. Keep banging her and showing her a good time, if you do that, like I said, the rest will take care of itself.
Author:  neo87 [ Wed Mar 12, 2014 4:02 am ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
This could be nothing to worry about but depends on many diff factors. If she's been your girl for 6 months and she was his girl for 2 years, he has you beaten on TIME. She has more memories with him. However, they could just be friends. If they share a passion for something that you don't, for eg,the both love teaching kids and you're an engineer, there's a side of her that he's just going to always be in touch with more. Either way, you have to decide if she's over him, if she is really into you.
Author:  Dr. Jones [ Wed Mar 12, 2014 9:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
No, it's not.

Everyone here will tell you to stick it out, because you don't know their relationship. They're allowed to be friends. True: they are. But she knows how it looks and yet she forges ahead. What does that tell you about her?

Enjoy all the fun you want with this girlfriend, but your time with her is limited. The future mother of your kids- she is not.
Author:  Rough Operator [ Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:48 am ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
Quote:
No, it's not.

Everyone here will tell you to stick it out, because you don't know their relationship. They're allowed to be friends. True: they are. But she knows how it looks and yet she forges ahead. What does that tell you about her?

Enjoy all the fun you want with this girlfriend, but your time with her is limited. The future mother of your kids- she is not.
I kind of agree with this...

But to the OP, do they hang out together? As in one on one hangouts? Does he or she initiate these?

If she hangs out with him by herself then just fuck her on the side and look for a replacement.
Author:  AbsoluteZero [ Wed Mar 12, 2014 12:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
no hangouts that I would know of.

hes a bartender trying to do grad school but will never make much money. He just wound up in a situation where he was the only guy among 9 girls, ha.


In her favor:
It's a group chat, the whole group does it
the group is half her social life

Against her:
she omits mention of him being in it
he is the only one who lives in this city
this is a little bit behind my back (although I know its just because she doesn't want to bring up that she talks to her ex)
Author:  Dr. Jones [ Fri Mar 14, 2014 7:41 am ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
Why do you come on here with a predicament, spell it out, and then withdraw any suspicions you have when we apply logic to the situation to get you out of it?

We don't know the context of the situation. Only you do. But your gut instinct is one of the few things you can count on in this world. It's obviously unsettling you now, and yes...don't even argue with me; it is. You wouldn't be here otherwise.
Author:  igkid2 [ Fri Mar 14, 2014 7:50 am ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
Feeling frustrated with all this makes sense. I would approach this in the following way. First, I (you) would tell her I don't feel comfortable with her talking to her x, even if its a group chat (still somebody she slept with!!!). Then I presume she would assure me (you) that there's nothing to worry about. Tell her fine, if she wants u to trust her she should let you read the group chat. Take it from there. If she doesn't then there's something she doesn't want you to see. Regardless, of whatever bs she gives you.
Author:  AbsoluteZero [ Sun Mar 16, 2014 9:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: GF still socially intertwined with her ex, is this cool?
Okay, so talked about it.

Of the group of 10, 6 girls are in the chat.

3 girls are outcast and only 2 of them got along with the guy. No need to let my imagination run rampant.
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