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I want my old relationship back...
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Author:  somehandle235 [ Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:00 pm ]
Post subject:  I want my old relationship back...
Hey guys,

I received great help a longggg time ago (post737146.html ) and I just need some people to set my head straight. I can't even figure out where I am going wrong in my relationship and how to get back the old feelings I used to have.

I don't even know where to begin writing this because my mind is racing all over the place. I will preface this by saying we're both almost 25, she just went back to school for her masters and has bipolar 2, this is my first real relationship and I'm already in my career.

I keep comparing the way I feel now to how I used to feel. We recently passed the 1 year mark, and when I try to "re-do" things we did when we just met eachother, it doesn't even compare. Things just seemed to fall into place perfectly last year. She looked up to me, I always gave good advice and nothing I said was "stupid". She used to tell me nice things she liked about me. Our text conversations bore me now. I have not ONCE slacked there. I always keep them unique and interesting. She might joke a little over text but she used to come up with really funny/creative texts that would make me actually want to text her. Don't get those anymore, and she never uses smiley faces anymore. Seems petty, but it's the whole picture I'm looking at. Okay, so that's a basic overview of where I'm coming from just to give you an idea. Things just don't feel the way they used to. Last year whenever we texted eachother or saw eachother, it was always GOOD. Back then, she once told me she liked me so much because "I brought out a better side of her". Now everything just reeks of negativity. I feel like she doesn't trust me anymore and I've lost her respect. I don't feel like I turn her on sexually and I just feel like I've lost hope in getting back the girl who used to look up to me.


I've been tearing my hair out trying to figure out if I'm the one who's changed, or if it's her. Things were pretty good up until the 6 months mark. She had a few episodes from her bipolar, but nothing too serious got in the way between us. We were only seeing eachother about 2 times a week...but then summer came and we started seeing eachother more often. We were spending entire weekends with eachother, sleeping over all the time. But then we started fighting more often. Rather, she would get pissed off at me and I just wouldn't understand why. I can't even remember what they were, but I figured it was due to her bipolar. I didn't tell her it was her having an episode (because how can I even be so sure?), and did my best to comfort her and treat her outbreaks like any other girl and figure out why she's so mad. But when I did that it just made her angrier. When I think about the first time she cried in front of me, I was so strong and I felt like a man holding her in my arms. But she cries all the time now. Her self esteem is so shot, its devastating. She tells me how much she hates herself, that she's a loser, says she wont make it through school....I just expect negativity from her now. I don't even want to take her phone calls anymore. She always has bad things to tell me. I used to try to show her the positive side of things or just assume things were done for good reasons, but now I just see myself trying to sympathize with her, even joining in the negativity to make her feel better. When she gets upset, I can do absolutely NOTHING to make her feel better. It makes me feel bad. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong with the way I try to console her, or if it's all on her. I don't really ask her why she's crying / upset anymore because it just seems to make her more upset. A lot of the time she's just down because of her condition, her medications really dont work so well for her and worse...she hates her doctor.... so is talking with her about her feelings even productive? I don't want to be her therapist either. I've gone WAY out of my way to appease her to try to make her feel better. Several times I've driven 30min to see her when she was really down to comfort her. It's only recently that I decided I have to stand up and be a man again and stop trying to please her no matter what when she's upset.


She is completely paranoid about getting caught during sex. I think it's because about 6 months ago we were doing it in the car and somebody drove by really fast and honked. This is also when I started to get feelings that she didn't trust me anymore. I always reassured her we would never get caught and nobody would ever see, so how could she trust me now? Even when we do it at her house or mine, I can't even WHISPER dirty things without her telling me to shut up. She asks me like 5 times afterwards if I think anybody heard or saw us. And whenever we're doing it at her house, she is constantly checking the window to make sure nobody is peeking in...but the windows have blinds!! I've tried telling her she's not allowed to look over there,...she knows its silly but she just cant help it. Now I just feel like sex is a chore for her. She has been getting more irritated with giving me bj's and giving me sex. Haha, she used to tell me she'd give me a bj everyday before work if we lived together....so much for that lol. She has been giving in, I guess to please me, but now she's putting up a fight. She tells me constantly she can't keep up with my sex drive, and it stresses her out. I always tell her how I can't help it because she's so sexy, and there's nothing wrong with doing it so much, but if she's not in the mood it's ok. It makes me feel like I'm not turning her on anymore, but low sex drive could also come from bipolar. There have been a couple times recently when she was extremely horny and we literally HAD to pull over to do it, but after she cums she gets extremely paranoid about getting caught and thinks what we just did was so bad. Actually now that I think about it, whenever she cums it makes her moody. She either gets extremely paranoid or it feels painful for her. She had a yeast infection last month, and the sex hasn't been really been good since then. She's been really concerned about getting another infection, and complains it's really sensitive for her down there still.

She has flipped out on me so many times these last few months, especially as she was starting school again. I'm ashamed to say this, but on a few of those occasions she has seen a side of me I wish she hadn't. She's seen a weak, insecure side of me, and one time she saw a very angry side of me. I can't take back the weakness I showed, but can it ruin a relationship forever? I've let it go for the most part, knowing that what's done is done, but that doesn't mean her image of me isn't forever changed. This must be so amplified for her since she's had so many episodes that led to her saying things she regretted after.

I noticed before the 6 month mark that whenever we spent a lot of time together, things got worse between us. But if we EVER lived together its unavoidable. And we've been spending so much time together that we aren't missing eachother. We've been seeing eachother a bit less lately, but I feel like I need to stop seeing her / sleeping over on the weekends. I just feel like we need to stop spending so much time together, and things will get better. Sure, the real answer to this is to become more busy and see other people, but I can't just suddenly withdraw my attention from her. She will think something is wrong between us. And she calls me up every night, how can we miss eachother if we are always talking? What complicates this further is next semester she will be busier with school, and she's stressed that we won't have any time to see eachother. She gets so worried about us spending time together. I've had a talk with her lately, not TELLING her she should spend time with her friends but broaching the topic by seeing how her friends were doing. She doesn't hang out with anybody but me...I basically suggested she should see her friends too ("Oh I bet they miss you! Gonna see them soon?")..and she hung with one today so maybe that will continue..

I know this post is messy, but I just had so much to say and found it hard to organize it. I just want to have my old relationship back. I've been focusing on making myself happy and better lately...making big progress in the gym, working on personal projects/hobbies, etc. I worry that it's far too gone from all the negativity to go back to good times. So many times she's told me to be with somebody who is happy in life and with themself. She can't understand why I love her, since she hates herself. I know that if I ever married her I'd always have to deal these issues...it hurts me so much. I've questioned so much about myself, wondering if it's me doing things wrong. But last weekend was so amazing though, I really went out of my way to make it special without even breaking the bank and it was so nice, so I keep some hope...

Thanks in advance to whoever has the courage to read through this mess and help set me straight...lol.
Author:  Hunter_Foxe [ Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
TL;DR

But the gist of it is you have become a needy whiny little bitch.

Your girl wants a real man, not the emotional little boy you've become.

Your girlfriend is probably a lost cause, but the good news is you can still become a real man and get new women instead.
Author:  somehandle235 [ Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
Quote:
TL;DR

But the gist of it is you have become a needy whiny little bitch.

Your girl wants a real man, not the emotional little boy you've become.

Your girlfriend is probably a lost cause, but the good news is you can still become a real man and get new women instead.
What gives you the impression I'm being emotional and needy?
Author:  Doom-bringer [ Mon Nov 25, 2013 1:22 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
I hope this helps... I think its quite clear whats going on in your relationship. Your girlfriend is taking you for granted, almost completely. I think this is the result of you being too available over the course of the relationship, among other factors, which led to her losing interest in you, and this goes to explain why the sex has become less, I am 99% sure thats the reason, and not the bipolar or the possibility of an infection.

I dont want to be gloomy and advise you to dump her, but you have to take drastic actions if you want to see things change. Start working on yourself more, see her MUCH less, make more friend... I would advise you to actually talk with her and tell her you are not feeling happy in the relationship and you need time off, i.e you need a break from each other. I think this move has the largest chance of success, and here is why. If you tell her that you are not happy, and you want things to go back to the way they were before, she might be responsive for a day or a week, and then I guarantee it will be shitty again, because she still thinks you will ALWAYS be there. Whereas if you just tell her you are not happy with it right now and need time off to think, she will get the same message, and at the same time her alarm will go off and she will suddenly realise that you might not always be there, and that she has to make some effort to meet your standards of a happy relationship, and finally, the time off will make her miss you. So really from my point of view, a break is the best option. But let it be a real break if you decide to follow my advice. So maybe around 2 weeks with NO CONTACT, not even 1 text message, and that should wake her the fuck up ;).
Author:  somehandle235 [ Mon Nov 25, 2013 2:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
Thanks for the reply. That really makes a lot of sense. She called me up before and she said we should hang out friday and also tomorrow ... it perplexes me how I think things arent going so good yet she wants to see me so much?


Anyway I told her tomorrow wouldn't be good so the next time were seeing eachother is friday. I dont want to break up with her just yet (if at all) because she has finals coming up and I know it could send her to the hospital if I did. I definitely think your idea could work as its such a drastic move, and I know I need to do SOMETHING so she knows Im not her little bitch. Could I accomplish the same thing by just being less available? If we start seeing eachother less she will appreciate the time we share, and when I make her cum hard she will want to see me even more! Though it won't send shockwaves through her body that I might not ever be coming back, which could really do the trick...
Author:  Doom-bringer [ Mon Nov 25, 2013 11:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
In principal, being less available should help your relationship in general, but I dont think its a better solution than the break. She might think the reason you are being less available is that you are losing interest, and you wont get to tell her you are not happy with the relationship... I think the break directly addresses the problem better than being less available in general.
Author:  LeoTheory [ Mon Nov 25, 2013 3:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
Quote:
She called me up before and she said we should hang out friday and also tomorrow ... it perplexes me how I think things arent going so good yet she wants to see me so much?
I went through similar problem with my now ex girlfriend. 14 months into the relationship she started seeing problems that I couldn't see, towards the end of it all she started arranging meet ups with me constantly each day, I gave into it and met up with her and each time we went back to hers she would start another row and it broke me into pieces. I know now from things I've read after gettin back into Pick Up that I had to be less available to give her the gift of missing me.

Take the advice these guys give you because it may just save your relationship. I'm glad that your looking after yourself now with working out, hobbies and stuff, keep doing it.

My ex was seeing a therapist before and all the way through the relationship and I know how hard it is to handle someone who has long term psychological problems, specially when those problems involve their low self esteem. You have to be the strong person in the relationship, follow your ambitions, passion and show her that you know what you want with your life.
Author:  Sa1980 [ Mon Nov 25, 2013 3:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
No, don't start talking to her about your feelings and telling her you're not happy..she'll just start crying or dragging you into a fight or flip it back on you talking about her feelings and then you will both feel shitty. Men act, they don't sit and talk and talk and talk.

The first thing is Never ever ever let a woman "flip out" at you. Don't you have any self respect than to let someone who you give so much to treat you rudely and like dirt and to do things they would never do to strangers? I used to have a girlfriend that got angry at me all the time. It was only when I dumped her and had a wonderful relationship with a different girl who never fought with me or was rude to me that I realized how good I could have it. Girls will only do what you allow them to do, the new girl knew I was good with women and if she started screaming at me I would be out with a new girl the very next week...hence she never treated me badly.

Next time she screams at you, don't scream back, don't fight. Calmly say, "I don't associate with people who speak to me like that". And then LEAVE and don't speak to her for a good 72 hours. Then start keeping your eyes open for new girls. Sometimes to save a relationship you have to be willing to walk away from it precisely in order to save it.

Also, see her twice a week from now on, no more than that. Always make sure you fuck her good or she gives you head every time you see her, always make it fun for her, you can console her if she is feeling down, but don't ever allow her to use you to just vent about life being shitty - she will just associate you with bad times and soon she'll be smiling with a different guy.
Author:  vhou812 [ Mon Nov 25, 2013 10:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
Sounds to me like the honeymoon period wore off.

Many of the others are spot on. She's taking you for granted. During the honeymoon, all is swell, because you both realize or feel lucky about being chosen by one another and don't want to lose the other person. The honeymoon wears off because the risk of losing you is very low. Instead of her feeling lucky that you are choosing to spend your time with her, she feels like you're stuck spending time with her, and vice versa.

During the honeymoon, most of the time, the faults are still there, you're just willing to overlook them because of how you feel. The critical point is how you feel about yourself in the relationship. The hardest part of making a relationship strong and positive is knowing how you feel about your own actions.

My advice is to tell her truthfully exactly how you feel. Tell her that you feel like during texts or whatever that you exert effort to be fun, spontaneous, interesting, and that you don't feel she does the same. Tell her if she doesn't want to do those things, that's ok, it just means that you need to know that so you can move on. Basically stress to her that this outcome of moving on is not what you want, but you're prepared to accept it if that is the way it is.

From there, I would change my behavior in such a manner that she has to actually follow through and give you some of what you need or want in order to get what she wants. If a relationship is not give and take, it will not work. In mature relationships, if you can't honestly communicate when your partner isn't making you happy, you've got nothing.

Best of luck. This doesn't sound irreparable to me.
Author:  somehandle235 [ Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:04 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
Guys, I felt like I had no choice but to break up with her tonight. We played phone tag until we got through after a few hours. She started an argument with me over that, sort of. She said I need to keep my phone on over night so she can call me during an emergency. I thought that was just ridiculous and told her I get calls from other people and dont need to be woken up. She wouldnt accept that so I told her she can talk to me later because Im not going to talk to her when shes acting like that. She said earlier in th3 day she got lost and called me to help her but I didnt pick up...still she can use GPS I cant always be there.

I ended up breaking up with her using advice above...I felt like it was our best move. I told her without much explanation that In just not happy with things and I need time to myself to think. She wanted to talk about it but I told her I just need time to nyaelf and hung up. Shes blowing up my phone now...called my pathetic for breaking up over the phone and is still calling me...

Any advice for my next move? I really do want things to be fixed between us and now I have plenty of time to think about what to do...
Author:  Doom-bringer [ Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:20 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
Now just go on being on your own for a week or two, ideally without keeping any contact with her. Do the things you have to do, keep your life going, work on yourself. The time off will help you look at your relationship in a more objective way, and then you should decide if you want to be in it or not. If you decide that you want to be in this relationship, then contact her after some while and have a genuine mature talk where you tell her what needs to change in order for you to be in the relationship again, and hopefully this time she will take you very seriously as she has found out that it not impossible for you to leave.
Author:  somehandle235 [ Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
Im concerned that some of the things I want are unreasonable to ask for?

My main concerns are:
Always bitching about her life
Turning down sex / not being interested in sex
Not sending me creative texts / making effort in our conversations (it always seems to be ME doing the talking..I hate this the MOST)
Always having a negative attitude
Spending too much time together

Arent most of these things the result of attraction? I feel like if thats the case then I cant ask for them...

Oh and an update....she called me up over 10 times last night...ignored every call. She texted me like 10 times basically saying its over, shes not going to wait for me to figure things out. She already removed me on facebook....but I saw she posted about relying on her family so I guess she broke the news to her mom. Was it bad timing to break up with her after she started arguing with me on the phone? and was I supposed to tell her more than just "Im unhappy and need time to think"? Because thats basically all I said...didnt sugarcoat it and just hung up after that. She said she had no idea where this was coming from and it wasmt fair to her that I wouldnt communicate abiut it to her. I guess its too late now to worry...
Author:  AFCToTheMax [ Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
Quote:
Im concerned that some of the things I want are unreasonable to ask for?

My main concerns are:
Always bitching about her life
Turning down sex / not being interested in sex
Not sending me creative texts / making effort in our conversations (it always seems to be ME doing the talking..I hate this the MOST)
Always having a negative attitude
Spending too much time together

Arent most of these things the result of attraction? I feel like if thats the case then I cant ask for them...

Oh and an update....she called me up over 10 times last night...ignored every call. She texted me like 10 times basically saying its over, shes not going to wait for me to figure things out. She already removed me on facebook....but I saw she posted about relying on her family so I guess she broke the news to her mom. Was it bad timing to break up with her after she started arguing with me on the phone? and was I supposed to tell her more than just "Im unhappy and need time to think"? Because thats basically all I said...didnt sugarcoat it and just hung up after that. She said she had no idea where this was coming from and it wasmt fair to her that I wouldnt communicate abiut it to her. I guess its too late now to worry...
First of all well done. You did what you should have. The things you ask for are not unreasonable. They are very reasonable and should be part of a healthy relationship.
She got quite upset which is understandable because you've done something which you haven't before. Showed her that she can't get away with everything and she has to take responsibility.
What's happening in my opinion is she is creating drama and try to victimize herself to put all the blame on you therefore she doesn't have to take responsibility for herself and she can save her ego.
You need to let her to cool down and you also need a clear head.
Therefore don't even think about contacting her for 1-2 weeks. You can then sit down and talk about your communication issues and everything else. She will then know what is going to happen if she doesn't change her attitude.
Author:  somehandle235 [ Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
I should have made my concerns apparent way sooner than this. I regret that it had to come to such drastic measures. I feel like I lacked the communication needed to keep this relationship healthy.

She just texted me a pic of her hand with her ring flipped (meaning shes single). Clearly in her bed, must be really down.

I just feel really guilty because I have a very open mind and I could always rationalize why people act the way they do. That interferes with me getting what I want though. I also just feel bad because this is my fault, I failed to communicate.

Seems like the best approach from here is give her about a week, then if I think this is worth it tell her I thought about the relationship and what I am lookijg for in it.
Author:  vhou812 [ Tue Nov 26, 2013 7:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I want my old relationship back...
Very, Very good. Congrats to you for staying strong. What you've done is very hard, but sometimes the right thing is hard to do.

You don't have to feel guilty. You should feel proud, you did the best thing for both of you and as long as you continue to not be drug into a dramatic, emotional battle, you are doing right by her and you. In order for you to recommit to the relationship, she is going to have to be her best self. In my experience, people are extremely attracted to those who demand that they be their best self and don't settle for less.

Take the advice above and keep on your path. You're doing yourself and her a lot of good right now. The things you are asking for are not unreasonable, so long as you are providing her with what she wants or is asking for. A week or two after emotions have subsided you should be able to have a mature conversation about this. If not, the nc just continues for more. Some women are slow to grasp this and when you start talking again they will revert back to the acting like child. If she does this, just repeat the cycle.

Congrats man, you're doing the right thing. Your relationship will either get better or be over so you can find a better one. In order to change a relationship, you have to risk losing it. Best of luck. Keep us posted how it turns out.
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