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Here it goes again, another fight
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Author:  kdog345 [ Sun Oct 27, 2013 10:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Here it goes again, another fight
Hey guys,

I last posted about my GF about our fight. It can be seen here: rocky-road-need-help-vt170263.html

So, after it all went down we made up and had some awesome sex, things were great!

Now here it goes again, I will try to make this detailed as possible and list my wrongs. I really hope I don't TLDR you....

Earlier this week my GF and I brought up going to a haunted house. I told her I will take her to one. She mentioned Saturday, and I told her I couldn't because I was going to the city to see my brother. I also mentioned that I may get back early enough that night to take her, but no guarantees. I told her other days I could do it and she said she will let me know.

Fast forward to Saturday. I wound up having to go to a class, which made me leave for the city late. At this point I had forgot that I told her that I may get back early. Before I left, I tried to call her. I was going to see how her day was, and let her know I was leaving. When she picked up she sounded busy and said she had to go, she would call back. I let her go, and went on with my own business to the city. My brother and I went to a haunted house. While we were in line, I realized my GF had called me an hour earlier. I called her back, and let her know I was in line for a haunted house and I would call her later.

Now at this point, I felt all was good. But to my surprise I got a text from her an hour later saying "I don't want to go to a haunted house with you anymore". Thrown off, rubbed the wrong way, I replied saying "I'm looking forward to taking you", and asked why she didn't want to go. She replied "Because we could have went tonight, your low on money, and I'm sure your spending a lot tonight so forget it". A side note, money has been an issue in the past but recently went away because of my new job. I replied that I'm in the city with my brother, and I'm not low on money or I wouldn't be planning on taking you. She said "thats ok". I didn't reply for awhile because I didn't want to fight, I eventually said that "I dont know what to say, and I dont want to make this into a big deal because it shouldnt be". She replied "You blew me off today, it hurts my feelings you know that I've been wanting to go to a haunted house and now your going to one with your brother". I responded that I had made plans with my brother, and told you a week ago. She said "you didn't tell me" and I responded "I did, Tuesday when we were heading back to your place". She took a while to respond, and finally said "Still, you know I've been wanting to go. I didn't know you were going to haunted houses." I told her "it shouldn't matter, you know I'm planning on taking you to one anyway. Its not like I was going to a haunted house then not take you to one. I'm a man of my word, and I want to go with you." She responded "Its not as fun when you've been at one". I told her thats not true, Id have just as much fun. I didnt hear back, so I enjoyed the rest of my night.

Now, I get back to my house around midnight and I call her to make sure all is good and let her know I love her. Now, I was a little fired up from earlier so my emotions were on high. When she picked up she sounded mad, and half asleep. So I said "are you upset with me?", in a bit of an angry tone. She said "Yes". I asked why, she told me she was just upset that she had to sit around at home all day while I was out having fun. I told her, I understand but you really kind of made me upset earlier by trying to start another fight. This is when shit hit the fan, she started going off on me and would hang up on me out of nowhere. I was starting to get upset, but I tried to remain calm and listen to her vent. While she was venting she was saying stuff that really upset me.

I felt I was right at this point, so I tried not to back down. But once she mentioned that I said I may get back early, I backed down and apologized because I had forgot that I said that. I guess this wasn't enough, she continued to say "You could have at least texted me as soon as you knew, I ditched plans with my friends for the possibility of hanging out with you. I'll just stop putting you first, and start going out the days we're supposed to hang. I'll just make plans with you and ditch them, so you can understand how I feel". Now this made me upset, so I did retaliate a little. I wound up telling her "I understand I made a mistake, and I'm sorry. But the way these fights are handled need to change or this relationship will not work out. I hate fighting, it hurts me, it hurts the relationship and I want it to stop. I think when I apologize you should forgive me, and not stay mad at me for days on end. I hate that". She responded "It makes me feel better when I vent, and that's how I handle it. You should know how to deal with me by now". I said that I'm still learning, and she continued venting. I wound up getting weak, and almost in tears. I interrupted her vent and said "Just stop, please stop, I cant hear this anymore, youre saying things that you dont mean and it hurts". I asked her not to hang up again because it fucking hurts! She kept going, bringing up the stupidest little things. She mentioned that when we fight, I apologize but then turn around and point out her wrongs. The conversation ended by her crying on the phone and saying "I'm tired of you putting me down!". She hung up, I sent her a couple of texts saying that "I don't want you to be upset, can I call or would you like to go to sleep?", she didn't respond so I said "I'm sorry for my mistakes, you know I never intend to hurt you and I will talk to you tomorrow."

I haven't heard from her yet today, and I don't know what to do. Should I call? Should I go NC again? I just cant stand this, I feel like a weak PUSSY that doesn't know what to do. I don't know how much in the wrong I am, and I don't want to be the ass hole that always thinks he's right. I know you guys have the best advice. So what should I do?
Author:  R.C [ Sun Oct 27, 2013 10:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
What part of "Get the fuck out of that relationship" did you not understand from the previous topic ?
Author:  samreedy [ Sun Oct 27, 2013 10:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
just give it a day or two just to let you sort your head out and the same with her

maybe take her out for the day, she will enjoy it and probably forget about all the anger she felt
Author:  MNF [ Mon Oct 28, 2013 12:01 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
You are going to lose her soon if you do not make changes. You really think she gave that much of a fuck about a haunted house? No, no, no.

A girl bitching at you and getting so upset over something relatively trivial is indicative of her boredom/frustration with the relationship. Her disproportionate reaction to what you did 'wrong' (do you really believe you did anything wrong? Looks like you were trying pretty hard to accommodate her) is born out of something totally unrelated to Haunted Houses and unfulfilled plans.

Given that I don't have the means to fully understand the relationship that you share with this girl, it's hard to diagnose the real cause of her bullshit. With that said, based on how you dealt with her throwing her rattle out of the pram over such a non-issue, you seem to be a massive beta. You absolutely MUST NOT give any reverence to any form of trivial petulance a girl displays, and make no bones about it; she has been as petulant as fuck.

It's hard to know how to help you. As I have said, the cause for this 'problem' lies elsewhere, not in the logistics of the argument.

I think you need to hugely change her perception of you. You need to be a lot more alpha. I'd go NC (or at least very minimal contact, no face to face) with her for at least a week or so if I were you. The longer you go, the more radical your change from pathetic beta to alpha overlord can be. If your NC only lasts 4 days, you can't plausibly walk into her room like Cool Hand Luke and have her immediately accept your new found alphaness without question. The less time you are away from her, the more slowly you will have to make your transition and the more likely it is that she will pick up on your change or remain bored with you and dump you (or push you to dump her; girls are cowards). If you have the discipline, I would leave it a month or so before seeing her, take a vacation if you can, or at least tell her you're going on one. Then you have the right to return with the CORRECT, ALPHA mindset to tame her. How to be a true alpha is something for a different post. I'd start here though:

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/the-sixt ... s-of-poon/

Alternatively you could just dump her, learn from your mistakes and start fresh with a new girl :)
Author:  In$tinct [ Mon Oct 28, 2013 12:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
What the... You and your girlfriend are acting like 13 year-olds. Really. Both of you.

In the Blue corner, there's you. You're needy and you have no idea about your girlfriend's emotions. She's clearly unhappy and you don't care about that, you only care about keeping her as a girlfriend. This attitude is killing every relationship in a matter of weeks. And shamefully it is very common. Let me just list a few things here...

-From the previous topic it is clear that you are not in control in this relationship. And this is very bad already.

-You agree to no sex and "on-probation" terms. Where the fuck is your self-respect???

-You act all butthurt any time you two argue. Sooner or later your girlfriend won't even mind arguing with you because she will see it has absolutely no point because you don't understand her at all. She will just find another dick while you're "on probation"...

And then in the Red corner there's your immature bitch of a girlfriend. She doesn't have any respect for you at all which is unfortunately quite understandable because of your behaviour but there are things here which are just way off the scale and scream RED SIGNAL at max volume. Let me just list a few things here too...

-No sex and on-probation. WTF IS THIS SHIT? I don't even... Really... I can't find the proper words to describe how childish and immature and manipulative this is.

-Getting so upset because you're having some fun while her life is boring and she's irresponsible. Why did she ditch her plans with her friends? You told her you "might" come not that you will. And that drama about the haunted house was just painful to read. "It's not the same when it's not the first time". Wow... is this bitch really angry at you because you didn't lose your HHV("Haunted-House-Virginity" the trademark is mine now :D) with her?

-Actually this girl is not happy and I'd say that her unhappiness is caused by her majorly(and your lack of balls of course also contribute greatly)

Now if you want my advice. You find a more respectful and mature girl and your life will be easier. But you also need to grow a pair if you want to keep a girl.

Peace,

In$tinct
Author:  R.C [ Mon Oct 28, 2013 12:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
Quote:
is this bitch really angry at you because you didn't lose your HHV("Haunted-House-Virginity" the trademark is mine now :D) with her?
HHV has to become a thing , rofl.
Quote:

-Actually this girl is not happy and I'd say that her unhappiness is caused by her majorly(and your lack of balls of course also contribute greatly)
You are right about her unhappiness being caused by her. That type of woman cannot and will not be happy.Ever. Regardless of what you do.
Author:  Rough Operator [ Mon Oct 28, 2013 1:35 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
My best female friend is constantly causing fights and drama with her fiance. It's like she gets bored if there aren't constant drama, fighting and turbulent emotions. I know women like a rollercoaster of emotions, but trust me when I tell you that this is an extreme example. Her fiance is so incredibly beta I have no clue how they're together, but that's beside the point.

The guy who is MARRYING HER looks like the most drained, beaten down person I have ever seen. I feel sorry for the guy. A few years back I almost had a thing with my best friend, boy am I glad it never materialised. Sounds like it could be a similar shituation.
Author:  Themagicalone [ Tue Oct 29, 2013 1:36 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
Quote:
What the... You and your girlfriend are acting like 13 year-olds. Really. Both of you.

In the Blue corner, there's you. You're needy and you have no idea about your girlfriend's emotions. She's clearly unhappy and you don't care about that, you only care about keeping her as a girlfriend. This attitude is killing every relationship in a matter of weeks. And shamefully it is very common. Let me just list a few things here...

-From the previous topic it is clear that you are not in control in this relationship. And this is very bad already.

-You agree to no sex and "on-probation" terms. Where the fuck is your self-respect???

-You act all butthurt any time you two argue. Sooner or later your girlfriend won't even mind arguing with you because she will see it has absolutely no point because you don't understand her at all. She will just find another dick while you're "on probation"...

And then in the Red corner there's your immature bitch of a girlfriend. She doesn't have any respect for you at all which is unfortunately quite understandable because of your behaviour but there are things here which are just way off the scale and scream RED SIGNAL at max volume. Let me just list a few things here too...

-No sex and on-probation. WTF IS THIS SHIT? I don't even... Really... I can't find the proper words to describe how childish and immature and manipulative this is.

-Getting so upset because you're having some fun while her life is boring and she's irresponsible. Why did she ditch her plans with her friends? You told her you "might" come not that you will. And that drama about the haunted house was just painful to read. "It's not the same when it's not the first time". Wow... is this bitch really angry at you because you didn't lose your HHV("Haunted-House-Virginity" the trademark is mine now :D) with her?

-Actually this girl is not happy and I'd say that her unhappiness is caused by her majorly(and your lack of balls of course also contribute greatly)

Now if you want my advice. You find a more respectful and mature girl and your life will be easier. But you also need to grow a pair if you want to keep a girl.

Peace,

In$tinct
This says it all man, OP is so beta
Author:  kdog345 [ Tue Oct 29, 2013 3:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
Well I can't say I don't agree with you all. Ever since the relationship started, I've felt like I do beta things. It's definitely something I need to change. It shows in so many aspects of my life. It's a wonder I've managed to keep this relationship going for this long. Now saying I want to end it would be a lie, my true desire is to turn things around. But I just don't know how, every bump has left me hurt and I've kept grudges. I feel like a pathetic excuse for a man regarding how I deal with things. I know she is upset, and I want her to be happy. But my feelings get in the way when she starts venting and acting like a rude bitch. It makes me want to argue more rather than bite my tongue and move On. And I know it's not all me, but there's stuff I've got to work on myself.

Another event happened last night after trying NC for the day. she just gets even madder if I don't try to talk to her. I let my balls drop for a second after she initiated contact and hung up after asking why I hadn't spoke with her all day. and said "I've had enough. I don't accept this at all. Never have I hung up on you. I'm tired of feeling like such a bad guy. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want you to play emotional games with me. I just want to be happy and move on.". She wound up calling me back, I stayed strong but let her know breaking up isn't what I want to do. Then I became beta again when she started saying that she just wants me to fix it, and she is gonna break it off if I don't. She went off on another of her vent tangents. I was so mad at myself because after that was said I bent over like I always do and apologized for the lack of communication. I've already apologized, and there's really not much I know to do other than that. When I saw her today she was a little rude as expected, I acted indifferent and positive. She walked away after class without a hug or kiss or any word. I didn't acknowledge it, but it rubbed me wrong.

I've even got advice to end it through PMs. it is hard advice to take. This girl has made me happy for so long, and I'd hate to end it. But maybe it's time. Thoughts?

Btw thanks for the advice and information. You guys really are like my guiding hand, I never really got proper guidance regarding relationships as a kid and now I get it through you guys. Thanks again.



.
Author:  In$tinct [ Thu Oct 31, 2013 1:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
Okay... let me try to tell you one more time so maybe you'll understand.

You're an Archer. You go to competitions and you fail miserably. One reason is that you're a shitty archer. The other reason is that your bow sucks.

So how to solve the problem? Well you definitely need to start practising your archery skills.

Will that help? Sure enough. But will it be enough to win the competition? Unlikely.

As much as you like your bow, it means something to you, you need to realize that you never going to win if you don't get a better one.




P.S.: If you still don't get it. It's not the only problem that you're beta. Your girlfriend is a spoiled brat who is incapable for a mature relationship, and no matter how good you become, this will not change. Look at all my posts in relationship threads. One hand should be enough to count how many times I have adviced dudes to dump their girlfriends. I'm strictly advocating fixing things rather than changing girls, but sometimes it's just impossible. Your case is unfortunately an example for this.
Author:  R.C [ Thu Oct 31, 2013 9:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
Quote:
Okay... let me try to tell you one more time so maybe you'll understand.

You're an Archer. You go to competitions and you fail miserably. One reason is that you're a shitty archer. The other reason is that your bow sucks.

So how to solve the problem? Well you definitely need to start practising your archery skills.

Will that help? Sure enough. But will it be enough to win the competition? Unlikely.

As much as you like your bow, it means something to you, you need to realize that you never going to win if you don't get a better one.




P.S.: If you still don't get it. It's not the only problem that you're beta. Your girlfriend is a spoiled brat who is incapable for a mature relationship, and no matter how good you become, this will not change. Look at all my posts in relationship threads. One hand should be enough to count how many times I have adviced dudes to dump their girlfriends. I'm strictly advocating fixing things rather than changing girls, but sometimes it's just impossible. Your case is unfortunately an example for this.

I like this guy :D.
Author:  kdog345 [ Fri Nov 01, 2013 4:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
Instinct, RC, and everyone else. Thanks for the advice. I agree with you guys, I'm feeling like I'm just putting up with more and more shit. And it's making me even more beta doing it. I'm going to end this. It's going to be hard, but I think it's what I got to do.
Author:  R.C [ Fri Nov 01, 2013 5:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
My man !

I can see the hesitation in your post tho.
Quote:
but I think it's what I got to do.
Nothing to think about bro :).
Author:  n2thevoid [ Sat Nov 02, 2013 8:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
You shouldn't be around her when you're feeling riled up.

Go take care of YOU in those moments, Separate yourselves if you're around each other, particularly if you're spending too much time together. Only after you've taken care of your needs and cooled down (checking in with your body) will you be able to re approach her lovingly (and address things a bit later when things have calmed a bit).
Author:  n2thevoid [ Sat Nov 02, 2013 8:37 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here it goes again, another fight
Sounds as though she felt rejected by your not waiting-out to go to the Haunted house with her as planned. Moreover, she's hurt that she found out you went with your brother, in spite of your attempt to contact her; was there anything you could have done to smooth over the situation?

I'm not necessarily agreeing with her response, which seems a tad over-the-top, but you must remember her feelings are every bit as valid as yours, and so long as the two of you get into a battle of egos the situation will only be exacerbated. I'm also sensing she felt empowered in her anger towards you (anger can be quite empowering, especially when we've felt helpless, and/or slighted and know the other person is now on the defensive). As hard as it is in such situations the best remedy to diffuse the situation is 1) recognize they're angry and what they're saying, while not helpful, is being said out of hurt - NEVER personalize it, 2) AGREE with them (in principle) - what you're doing really is agreeing that their feelings are justified and valued, NEVER minimize them, do NOT add a "BUT..." or cut them off as it'll only infuriate the upset person. Remember, you cannot meet her with logic when she's feeling this way, and if you too get sucked into this emotional vortex you only both end up losing in the end. Right now you're feeling you were treated unjustly; part of you is torn you want to remedy the situation and be back to those loving feelings again, but the other part feels like you were a pussy and could have stood up for yourself more strongly.

Surrender, let those feelings go. Recognize, once again, her feelings are valid, as are yours. When you' become triggered in such a manner always exercise compassion, and above all else take care of yourself w/o being dispresctful to the other person. Remember, if this is someone you love and care about you will only feel worse be reaction emotionally and spewing vitriol in a futile attempt to counter theirs.
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