PUA Forum :: LTR - Need Advice

Give her some space.

If she loves you, she will start to miss you.

However, If you have been a shitty boyfriend then you could be losing her, so what does your gut feeling say?

Will she come back? Or is it over?

No no no. Please don't do that.

Switch off the game mode for heaven sake. Be normal to her, be honest. Back down. You keep pushing her further away the more you contact her.

Looks like its over my man. But give her space and hopefully she will start to miss the good things about you. (Apart from the cocky gamey tactics)

This gamey mindset of yours is gonna fuck it up for you.

Could anyone let me know what they think? Do breaks work? Complete break? No contact at all? If so how long do we stay that way?

What is the best way to handle this?

Quote:

Could anyone let me know what they think? Do breaks work? Complete break? No contact at all? If so how long do we stay that way?

What is the best way to handle this?

Breaks do not work. Whether or not to completely break contact with her entirely depends on what you can handle. On the whole, it's generally good to break contact for a couple weeks so you can get your head on straight.

What's really going on here:

We humans are built for short-term monogamy. We are designed to find somebody and stay together long enough to raise children through infancy. To do this, your body releases endorphins when you are around somebody you like. These endorphins fire off for the first 2-3 years of relationship, then stop. Getting married actually pushes that time-frame out a little longer and having children adds another few years of endorphins (this explains the "7 year itch").

Endorphins make people feel awesome. In your relationship, unfortunately, the endorphins have run out. That's why she's saying things like she doesn't miss you anymore. Really, she just wants her endorphin fix. She's confused because you are no longer a source of endorphins. I'm guessing she's also young (under 25?), so she's not at a point where she's ready to give up the endorphin rush for stability like most women do once they start to get older.

There's not a whole lot you can do to turn this around. It's way easier to talk through this kind of stuff with your partner when the relationship is going well. I suppose the best advice I have for you is to follow the advice I posted here (the basics of how to turn around a failed relationship): losing-a-girl-how-do-i-win-her-back-vt1 ... ml#p799686

Anyway, I hope some of that helps.

-Wolf

wow what a depressing reply...
I hope that you don't honestly believe that yourself. Why is it that people want to take every magical thing there is in this world and break it down scientifically, and thereby kill the magic...

Let love be love, and not just and endorphin.

Quote:

-1. Being in the OP's position I would rather know what is going on than blindly go into depression and hopelessness.

Author:	easy_as_pie_100 [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:35 am ]
Post subject:	LTR - Need Advice
Hey Guys, Been with my gf for about 3.5 years now. Things going really well until recent (starting to become rocky now). We had a fight on Sunday about something stupid (miscommunication of ideas) and it basically ended up with her completely ignoring me until today (Wednesday). I decided to go no-contact too and just chill (even though this is killing me since we usually txt/chat every day). Today she sent me this text: "I honestly don't know how to feel about us right now, or relationships in general. The only thing I've realised these past few days is that I am capable of being on my own and I feel like I have more freedom, and I don't need to depend on anyone emotionally." Other important factors: - She does have depression (due to her father being a dick) and I have always been there for her over the years Thinking back over the last few months I have realised I may have become more AFC - caring more, etc and may have lost the attraction a fair bit... Questions: 1. How should I respond to that text? Obviously emotional independence is a good thing to have but how do I reason that being in a relationship is still good? 2. How can I regain that attraction spark? Ideas?

Author:	Dragula [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 6:20 am ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
Give her some space. If she loves you, she will start to miss you. However, If you have been a shitty boyfriend then you could be losing her, so what does your gut feeling say? Will she come back? Or is it over?

Author:	easy_as_pie_100 [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 11:26 am ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
Quote: Give her some space. If she loves you, she will start to miss you. However, If you have been a shitty boyfriend then you could be losing her, so what does your gut feeling say? Will she come back? Or is it over? UPDATE: She sent me another text a few hours after the above one saying: "I know you're not replying because you want to come over and talk it over tonight, but I don't know what else to say to you." Was thinking of replying: "I know you're busy and got an exam tmr so how about I come over Friday." Short and simple. Was thinking my best chances of fixing this up was to plan an action planned/adventurous night for Friday --> try to remind her of how things used to be before i went AFC. Lots of flirting, lots of C&F. Maybe try escalate. Any ideas for what i can do? Opinions ?

Author:	Dragula [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 11:45 am ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
No no no. Please don't do that. Switch off the game mode for heaven sake. Be normal to her, be honest. Back down. You keep pushing her further away the more you contact her. Looks like its over my man. But give her space and hopefully she will start to miss the good things about you. (Apart from the cocky gamey tactics) This gamey mindset of yours is gonna fuck it up for you.

Author:	easy_as_pie_100 [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 1:03 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
Quote: No no no. Please don't do that. Switch off the game mode for heaven sake. Be normal to her, be honest. Back down. You keep pushing her further away the more you contact her. Looks like its over my man. But give her space and hopefully she will start to miss the good things about you. (Apart from the cocky gamey tactics) This gamey mindset of yours is gonna fuck it up for you. UPDATE: She just called me crying on the phone then. We had a good chat for about 30 minutes. Basically she said she felt nothing when we had no contact since Sunday. Didn't feel she missed me or anything --> she said that is what she meant by "emotionally independent". However - she did ask if we did break up if we could still be friends...and i just replied that she's either in my life as my girlfriend or not at all. It'd be too hard. Another thing which came up was --> she wasn't sure that when we were truly happy together (just relaxing on the couch, etc) whether or not it was because she was completely in love with me, or because it was because she had someone in her life that loved her in return. (we're each other's firsts) She's busy on friday now + weekend so I'm going over to hers tomorrow night after she gets back from cheerleading training. She suggested a break and I'm thinking that's probably for the best... I won't try the gaming stuff then. Pure honesty it will be. Could anyone let me know what they think? Do breaks work? Complete break? No contact at all? If so how long do we stay that way? What is the best way to handle this?

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Author:	Dragula [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 1:28 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
I fear ,if I was to reply with a sensible answer, it will just get ignored like the last 2 replies I took the time to write that you totally dismissed.

Author:	Wolfwoodd [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 1:48 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
Quote: Could anyone let me know what they think? Do breaks work? Complete break? No contact at all? If so how long do we stay that way? What is the best way to handle this? Breaks do not work. Whether or not to completely break contact with her entirely depends on what you can handle. On the whole, it's generally good to break contact for a couple weeks so you can get your head on straight. What's really going on here: We humans are built for short-term monogamy. We are designed to find somebody and stay together long enough to raise children through infancy. To do this, your body releases endorphins when you are around somebody you like. These endorphins fire off for the first 2-3 years of relationship, then stop. Getting married actually pushes that time-frame out a little longer and having children adds another few years of endorphins (this explains the "7 year itch"). Endorphins make people feel awesome. In your relationship, unfortunately, the endorphins have run out. That's why she's saying things like she doesn't miss you anymore. Really, she just wants her endorphin fix. She's confused because you are no longer a source of endorphins. I'm guessing she's also young (under 25?), so she's not at a point where she's ready to give up the endorphin rush for stability like most women do once they start to get older. There's not a whole lot you can do to turn this around. It's way easier to talk through this kind of stuff with your partner when the relationship is going well. I suppose the best advice I have for you is to follow the advice I posted here (the basics of how to turn around a failed relationship): losing-a-girl-how-do-i-win-her-back-vt1 ... ml#p799686 Anyway, I hope some of that helps. -Wolf

Author:	In$tinct [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 2:09 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
How are you this blind? It's not about some stupid miscommunication. This girl has doubts about being in love with you. PEBBLE is right. You rely on stupid tactics and memories that are supposed to bring feelings back, instead of your balls. Might be, that this is the problem? If she's not afraid of losing you, but you are afraid of losing her, then where do you think this is going? Not anywhere good, I can tell you... How the hell do you think this "break" will end up? The break only works when both parties need space. Even then, it's very rare occasions it does anything good. It's more often just a polite way of breaking up. "Let's have a break... forever" That's what is happening right now, I still fail to understand how you don't get it even after PEBBLE's two replies. You really need to grab your balls man. There's no quiet way out of this. It's all or nothing. Stop the foolish, childish stupid games. Take responsibility for your agenda. You know, this is the problem with gaming. This is what so many guys fall for in this community. They think they are not needy anymore because they have "learned how to act not needy". But look at you. All you care about is how to not lose your girlfriend. Making her remember good times, and whatever BS. I don't know if you really don't give a fuck about her feelings, or you are so dumb that you don't understand them. Either way, your girlfriend knows you don't understand her, and she doesn't like it. And the more you act like this, the less she will like it. If she felt that you understand her, then this entire situation wouldn't have happened, or now she would not be starting to doubt her own feelings. Wish you luck! Peace, In$tinct.

Author:	Dragula [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 2:20 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
RIGHT ON BRUVA!

Author:	Semimembranosus [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 10:24 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
another relationship drama. and the theme is always this, get her back. lol this sucks, get another girlfriend. this one is not the one.

Author:	MrBreeze [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 10:27 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
Im kinda going to agree with Instinct here... not trying to be a dick but I doubt either of you are mature enough to fix this, nor should you want to. Nothing in your post screamed I love her... mostly neediness of dont leave me. You're young and need to learn relationships from many different angles and women. This one is over. Breaks dont work, period. Ive done them. We both go bang other people then get back together and cant handle what the other did. Are you really going to be ok when you find out who she fucked? Look man, life is long. This sprint is over but pay attention to the marathon. Learn from this.

Author:	Valdemar1 [ Mon Aug 26, 2013 7:11 am ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
Quote: Quote: Could anyone let me know what they think? Do breaks work? Complete break? No contact at all? If so how long do we stay that way? What is the best way to handle this? Breaks do not work. Whether or not to completely break contact with her entirely depends on what you can handle. On the whole, it's generally good to break contact for a couple weeks so you can get your head on straight. What's really going on here: We humans are built for short-term monogamy. We are designed to find somebody and stay together long enough to raise children through infancy. To do this, your body releases endorphins when you are around somebody you like. These endorphins fire off for the first 2-3 years of relationship, then stop. Getting married actually pushes that time-frame out a little longer and having children adds another few years of endorphins (this explains the "7 year itch"). Endorphins make people feel awesome. In your relationship, unfortunately, the endorphins have run out. That's why she's saying things like she doesn't miss you anymore. Really, she just wants her endorphin fix. She's confused because you are no longer a source of endorphins. I'm guessing she's also young (under 25?), so she's not at a point where she's ready to give up the endorphin rush for stability like most women do once they start to get older. There's not a whole lot you can do to turn this around. It's way easier to talk through this kind of stuff with your partner when the relationship is going well. I suppose the best advice I have for you is to follow the advice I posted here (the basics of how to turn around a failed relationship): losing-a-girl-how-do-i-win-her-back-vt1 ... ml#p799686 Anyway, I hope some of that helps. -Wolf wow what a depressing reply... I hope that you don't honestly believe that yourself. Why is it that people want to take every magical thing there is in this world and break it down scientifically, and thereby kill the magic... Let love be love, and not just and endorphin.

Author:	RealMe [ Mon Aug 26, 2013 9:07 am ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
Quote: wow what a depressing reply... I hope that you don't honestly believe that yourself. Why is it that people want to take every magical thing there is in this world and break it down scientifically, and thereby kill the magic... Let love be love, and not just and endorphin. -1. Being in the OP's position I would rather know what is going on than blindly go into depression and hopelessness.

Author:	Valdemar1 [ Mon Aug 26, 2013 11:29 am ]
Post subject:	Re: LTR - Need Advice
Quote: Quote: wow what a depressing reply... I hope that you don't honestly believe that yourself. Why is it that people want to take every magical thing there is in this world and break it down scientifically, and thereby kill the magic... Let love be love, and not just and endorphin. -1. Being in the OP's position I would rather know what is going on than blindly go into depression and hopelessness. I can see where you are coming from, but believing that you will never meet someone who you will have feelings for ,and of cause the other way around, for more than max 10 years.... thats even more depressing ..

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