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She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
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Author:  DM [ Sun Aug 18, 2013 8:53 pm ]
Post subject:  She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
its something ive come across before, and i want to know how to deal with it. Im building a relationship with a girl, and then she'll say something along the lines of 'I'll feel vulnerable if i show/give too much'. I understand that, but for relationships to work out, you cant hold back like that, its a road block. What can i do to facilitate her not feeling this way around me? In a way it prevents me from moving forward to that next phase in the relationship (and yeah we have sex so thats not the issue). Thanks :D

-DM
Author:  DM [ Sun Aug 18, 2013 9:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
its definitely crossed my mind that im the common denominator. The fact is, I do have other girls in my life (not necessarily dating, just there) and i have an attractive lifestyle, which has made me popular. She does bring it up jokingly, but still, there's truth to every joke. At the same time I do talk to her often and since we both lead busy lives, when we cant see each other, we're on the phone for hours. That being said, i give her alot of my time-- i feel, enough for anyone to be comfortable, and able to commit more in a relationship. Im scratching my head here, what can i do here? i want some sort of security in the form of commitment in these things
Author:  Emdaet5 [ Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
Few questions, how long have the two of you been seeing each other? Have you both said you want a monogamy relationship? Are you the lead in the relationship? Are you cherishing every moment you're with her and making sure she feels that?
Author:  DM [ Mon Aug 19, 2013 10:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
shes 6 years older than me, and has had numerous 2-3 year relationships in the past. That being said, i think we're still in that phase where neither of us knows where its going, sort of riding the wave, one foot in the relationship. She mentioned something interesting tonight-- when we became 'official' she said she could be my girl or we could keep doing what we were doing i.e. hanging out and having sex in parks :P
Option 1 it was, and tonight she questioned why i chose that instead of hanging out, saying it didnt go with my personality. She said she wasn't sure if we were in a relationship, and i said its good to take things day by day. what do i do here?
Author:  Hunter_Foxe [ Mon Aug 19, 2013 12:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
One of the main reasons why guys get into exclusive relationships is because they don't like the idea of another guy banging their favourite girl. Make sure you want a relationship for the right reasons but don't push for it unless she really wants it.
Author:  DM [ Mon Aug 19, 2013 8:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
I've had that in the past, but its not the case here. Id been in tons of relationships - none of which were worthwhile and then i became averse to dating, but i still wanted to keep the girls in my life. It wasn't until i met her and got to know her that i felt we could actually go further with it. This is where im having trouble with her now-- agreeing on being committed without her feeling pressured into it.. whats the best way to do this?
Author:  Hunter_Foxe [ Mon Aug 19, 2013 8:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
I have been with girls in the past who said "I'm scared to open up" and it usually means 1 of 2 things:

1) They are still not over their ex or

2) They are playing the field to see if someone better comes along or they are seeing multiple guys.

I see it as a version of "Girl Game". The fact that they won't open up makes you want them more, because you want what you can't have more than the girl who puts out every time you call. They know that playing hard to get will make you more emotionally invested in them. Be very careful. I was in a similar position a year ago; mind-blowing regular sex, but she was always afraid to open her heart. She said she loved me and wanted to be loved. As soon as I showed her i cared for her deeply and said I loved her, she left. It's like that girl in Great Expectations. They also do this to protect themselves from accusations of cheating. If you never have "that talk" you cant be mad at her for seeing other guys.

I recommend you enjoy it and don't push for a relationship unless she does. Any form of pressure will make her leave. Let her decide and just enjoy her company (and pussy) while she makes up her mind. See other girls, be discreet about it.
Author:  DM [ Tue Aug 20, 2013 12:03 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
Thats exactly it dude, it could be either 1 or 2 Im not sure yet either. She broke up 2 months ago but then again she always says how shes detached from feelings (which is a bit sociopathic imo) and admits she doesnt invest because its easier and she'd feel vulnerable if she did. I figure ill take it day by day and see where it goes
Author:  DM [ Tue Aug 20, 2013 6:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
Well i figure the reason why anyone (in general) would want to be detached from emotion is because its easier that way. In a sense that it allows people to maintain psychic integrity by avoiding emotional impact by or on others. It gives her the space to rationalize through things, and control what affects her, rather than allow her emotions to overwhelm her. It makes sense too, given she's had a hard life (foster homes, parents deaths, identity crisis, mental breakdowns). On the other hand, while she does say all this, she is very much affectionate and sweet, which really makes me think that the fact she brings up emotions is to convince herself more than anything. Thats what I get out of it anyways.

So the question in my mind remains, how do you get around this, without sounding like an indian mobster trying to smooth over an arranged marriage? Ideally I would want a committed relationship with this person, but is it just a time thing like Hunter_foxe said? i feel there's more to it
Author:  Hunter_Foxe [ Wed Aug 21, 2013 11:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
Quote:
...given she's had a hard life (foster homes, parents deaths, identity crisis, mental breakdowns).
Quote:
Ideally I would want a committed relationship with this person, but is it just a time thing like Hunter_foxe said? i feel there's more to it
I guarantee this girl is bad news. Do not get into a relationship with this girl. That amount baggage makes her a worthy candidate for fuck buddy / FWB, nothing more.

Go ahead and start a relationship. If you're a masochist.
Author:  Monsignor Crisanto [ Sun Aug 25, 2013 5:50 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
Quote:
Quote:
...given she's had a hard life (foster homes, parents deaths, identity crisis, mental breakdowns).
Quote:
Ideally I would want a committed relationship with this person, but is it just a time thing like Hunter_foxe said? i feel there's more to it
I guarantee this girl is bad news. Do not get into a relationship with this girl. That amount baggage makes her a worthy candidate for fuck buddy / FWB, nothing more.

Go ahead and start a relationship. If you're a masochist.
That's wisdom from experience talking. Listen and listen well to Hunter.

If you want to validate if Hunter's advice has scientific grounding, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

Check out the section on Fearful-avoidant attachment.

:twisted:
Author:  n2thevoid [ Sun Aug 25, 2013 6:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
Don't give her any reason to feel unsafe. Let her come-to of her own accord without you pestering her or giving ultimatums. She'll be slow to warm but it may be worth being patient for (or not).
Author:  DM [ Tue Aug 27, 2013 11:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She says she feels vulnerable if she lets go
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
...given she's had a hard life (foster homes, parents deaths, identity crisis, mental breakdowns).
Quote:
Ideally I would want a committed relationship with this person, but is it just a time thing like Hunter_foxe said? i feel there's more to it
I guarantee this girl is bad news. Do not get into a relationship with this girl. That amount baggage makes her a worthy candidate for fuck buddy / FWB, nothing more.

Go ahead and start a relationship. If you're a masochist.
Now this guy is wise.
Quote:
Well i figure the reason why anyone (in general) would want to be detached from emotion is because its easier that way. In a sense that it allows people to maintain psychic integrity by avoiding emotional impact by or on others. It gives her the space to rationalize through things, and control what affects her, rather than allow her emotions to overwhelm her. It makes sense too, given she's had a hard life (foster homes, parents deaths, identity crisis, mental breakdowns). On the other hand, while she does say all this, she is very much affectionate and sweet, which really makes me think that the fact she brings up emotions is to convince herself more than anything. Thats what I get out of it anyways.
You are so close! Just think about it a little more with the first quote in the back of your mind.
Hobbit, what i think it could be is one of a few things: either a) she's keeping her options open, b) she's not ready to invest emotionally in fear of getting hurt (i.e. trust issues) or c) she's afraid of loss, keeping things casual, you can't lose what you dont have. Thats what I came up with. Enlighten me on this situation, Im keen on understanding this..
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
...given she's had a hard life (foster homes, parents deaths, identity crisis, mental breakdowns).
Quote:
Ideally I would want a committed relationship with this person, but is it just a time thing like Hunter_foxe said? i feel there's more to it
I guarantee this girl is bad news. Do not get into a relationship with this girl. That amount baggage makes her a worthy candidate for fuck buddy / FWB, nothing more.

Go ahead and start a relationship. If you're a masochist.
That's wisdom from experience talking. Listen and listen well to Hunter.

If you want to validate if Hunter's advice has scientific grounding, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

Check out the section on Fearful-avoidant attachment.

:twisted:
Yeah this seems pretty much it (although dismissive avoidant also sounds viable). Its strange because there's a dichotomy of two extremes. If it is this, then it makes me question whether or not her high self esteem is just a masquerade. She said that at one point she went through a breakdown in which she felt she had to destroy her ego-- that her lifestyle of vanity was destroying her sense of self.
Quote:
Quote:
...given she's had a hard life (foster homes, parents deaths, identity crisis, mental breakdowns).
Quote:
Ideally I would want a committed relationship with this person, but is it just a time thing like Hunter_foxe said? i feel there's more to it
I guarantee this girl is bad news. Do not get into a relationship with this girl. That amount baggage makes her a worthy candidate for fuck buddy / FWB, nothing more.

Go ahead and start a relationship. If you're a masochist.
And realistically FWB is all it is at this point. The last time we actually had the 'what are we' talk, she was so insistent on knowing why i would rather have a relationship rather than having the option of seeing her and other girls. Then it turned into a series of 20 questions in the form of 'Can i trust you?', 'so you're not a cheater?' and many many more variants.

Again thanks for the replies, very insightful-- keep them coming 8)
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