PUA Forum :: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"

I don't know what the fuck is going on, I sent her a message yesterday basically saying (translated)-
These days were really rough on me. I needed you the most, most likely more than you ever needed me, and you didn't even care. Everybody asks what's up with me, tries to help, and you? nada. I don't know what you're trying to prove, but Thanks, just know that it's not a competition of who hurts the most. Good night

Quote:

Why would you send her something like this? You are basically begging her to be more sensitive with you. And it seems sort of needy. If she is not willing to give you support, I don't think you should demand it.

Quote:

I don't really agree with this. A girlfriends job is to support the man, and vica versa. That's what a relationship is about. OP what you told your girlfriend is quite common sense and it's got nothing to do with neediness. The way she reacted is disrespectful and I would cut contact. Not saying that it's worth a breakup but if she does not give a shit about you you will break up anyway.
I (try to) believe it's just a phase, but I'm aware to the fact that if it goes on then whether I want it or not, we will break up.

However I think she just want your attention. I really don't think this guy is a threat and she just wants to make you jealous with him. If she were to cheat she would try to keep these stuff a secret.
True.

You can tell her also that if this guy is so great than why is she not with him. Tell her this calmly and tell her to think about her behaviour because you won't tolerate shit like this. Then go no contact.
I disagree, giving such an emphasis on this ONE guy shows to her I'm actually threatened by him (am I? kinda, naturally) and is a huge DLV for me and a DHV for him (for free). Maybe if I was 0% bothered by the situation it would've worked, but I don't know how to lie through my teeth...Meanwhile I went NC. Been busy with military stuff since early in the morning.
By the way, usually when I go NC because she did something bad (cussed me, gave me shit about something stupid I did like go out with my friends instead of going out with her [when I already made plans with them!])
the following morning goes like this:
"where have you been? why didn't you return my calls?"
-"I was busy"
"so busy you couldn't call me?"
-"yes"
"what were you doing?"
-"I was busy."
"you were busy for 12 hours straight? no phones around" etc etc...
what should I do? make up an excuse?

I can imagine how it sounds, however, once you have a frame set - you can move a bit to the left or to the right, it won't matter. I always showed her I'm not needy, however I do want her to be here WHEN I NEED HER SUPPORT.

Just finished a phone conversation, I couldn't be more furious

I honestly opened up and told her how difficult it is for me right now and explained to her that I'm really disappointed from her lack of interest towards what's been going on with me lately.

She started to tell me how I was never by her side and she was always alone (what a fucking lie!), and when we had a break she was all alone and she really needed me but I wasn't there..

So then I told her what the fuck does it has to do with anything? All that you're interested in right now is arguing with me about the past, can't you put these stuff aside for a minute? I'm really suffering right now and I NEED YOUR HELP!

Then she told me some bullshit excuses about me not being available due to bad reception, "you always tell me that I can't help you" (another fucking lie) and started telling me about her seeing one of my exes on the street and how she felt mad at me when she saw her - so I told her - yeah, you're mad at me because of my history right? well I should be mad at you because you've been with more guys than I've been with girls ! (true)

I tried to get back to the subject, I told her "look, I don't care for these things right now, I'm really in trouble, I might go to prison (true) and it's REALLY a difficult situation right now, why can't you understand?"

Then she said "yeah, it's serious only when it comes to you, you poor thing...stop pretending!"

I really got pissed off and almost lost it so I asked her "you think it's not serious ???! do you think I'm fooling you ?!"

Then she started telling me she's sick of this relationship and it's not worth anything and before I had a chance to say anything she hung up.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! She made me SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!

I'm NOT NEEDY, so why is she acting this way ?! Why did she become such a BITCH ?! FUCK !

Okay, now that this situation is our for the way (for now)

How can I work on dominance, while not being a narcissist? She usually complains about me not caring for her requests and that I do whatever I want even if she doesn't like it (sound dominant enough?)

Then she said "yeah, it's serious only when it comes to you, you poor thing...stop pretending!"

Author:	Xeydo [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 9:11 am ]
Post subject:	Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
This post will may be a bit long, please bare with me. We've been dating for 3 years, definitely LTR, she used to have many friends but lost most of them due to her behavior changes when we started dating (i.e spending most of the time with me etc), it wasn't on purpose. Now, a year ago she started working at this organization. She met tons of new people and friends, good for her. She then started talking about this guy, let's call him Don. Don is few years younger than me and her, he's not very attractive, generally sick (diagnosed with cancer or something), maybe he's fun but definitely not dominating. More like a Gamma (alpha->beta->gamma). The only thing going for him in life is his sense of humor and that he's "awww...so cute" like a little kid. Also, he respects me, never talks shit about me. She really connected with him and they work on a project together. Now, about me: I'm in the military, and these past few days were very difficult for me. For a few days straight I had huge fights with my officers and lieutenants, where afterwards I left my platoon (more like got kicked out). I told her about this on the phone, and really expected her emotional support because leaving my platoon and my commanders treating me worse than you treat a piece of shit really messed me up. She wasn't even interested. The person who should care the most for me, simply didn't give a damn about me and my problems. She wasn't even interested in talking to me on the phone, every conversation the line got cut off (bad reception) and she didn't even bother to call back. Back to Don: She started talking about him a lot recently, even mentioning he has a crush on her in and "Don and I had a chat till 2 AM....by the way, want to hear something funny? everyone says that if we'll break up I will end up with Don...haha......" I changed a subject and a minute later she asks "you're not mad right? it doesn't offend you?" I asked "what do you mean"? (I'm not stupid, I know exactly what she means) She said "you know, the fact that I'm talking to guys that late at night...if you were talking to girls that late at night I would be mad" I told her "you're angry when I talk to girls at any time of the day" and laughed. She always tells me how cute he is, and we've had a fight when she asked me if she can drive him after work on a regular basis and I told her "You're not anyone's taxi driver, so NO". I'm pretty sure she still drives him. When logging in to Facebook I see that she's constantly leaves him funny wall messages and shit like that. When I came back for a 2 day vacation at home, I asked her if she wants to meet up and she said "I don't think I can". I told her then we won't see each other for 2 weeks she said "OK..we're going on a vacation together soon anyway". I don't know what the fuck is going on, I sent her a message yesterday basically saying (translated)- These days were really rough on me. I needed you the most, most likely more than you ever needed me, and you didn't even care. Everybody asks what's up with me, tries to help, and you? nada. I don't know what you're trying to prove, but Thanks, just know that it's not a competition of who hurts the most. Good night Which she responded with- "I'm not trying to prove anything" "Every one of us lives his own life" <- her quoting me when she told me I can't go out with my friends once. This girl used to believe I'm god. Sex is always good and I'm not needy. Need some insight on this...I clearly don't want to dump a 3 year relationship over some phase she's having. I know ... scarcity mentality

Author:	RealMe [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 10:32 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Quote: I don't know what the fuck is going on, I sent her a message yesterday basically saying (translated)- These days were really rough on me. I needed you the most, most likely more than you ever needed me, and you didn't even care. Everybody asks what's up with me, tries to help, and you? nada. I don't know what you're trying to prove, but Thanks, just know that it's not a competition of who hurts the most. Good night Why would you send her something like this? You are basically begging her to be more sensitive with you. And it seems sort of needy. If she is not willing to give you support, I don't think you should demand it.

Author:	AFCToTheMax [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:04 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Quote: Quote: I don't know what the fuck is going on, I sent her a message yesterday basically saying (translated)- These days were really rough on me. I needed you the most, most likely more than you ever needed me, and you didn't even care. Everybody asks what's up with me, tries to help, and you? nada. I don't know what you're trying to prove, but Thanks, just know that it's not a competition of who hurts the most. Good night Why would you send her something like this? You are basically begging her to be more sensitive with you. And it seems sort of needy. If she is not willing to give you support, I don't think you should demand it. I don't really agree with this. A girlfriends job is to support the man, and vica versa. That's what a relationship is about. OP what you told your girlfriend is quite common sense and it's got nothing to do with neediness. The way she reacted is disrespectful and I would cut contact. Not saying that it's worth a breakup but if she does not give a shit about you you will break up anyway. However I think she just want your attention. I really don't think this guy is a threat and she just wants to make you jealous with him. If she were to cheat she would try to keep these stuff a secret. You can tell her also that if this guy is so great than why is she not with him. Tell her this calmly and tell her to think about her behaviour because you won't tolerate shit like this. Then go no contact.

Author:	Xeydo [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:10 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
I can imagine how it sounds, however, once you have a frame set - you can move a bit to the left or to the right, it won't matter. I always showed her I'm not needy, however I do want her to be here WHEN I NEED HER SUPPORT. It's not like I complained about her best friend or something, I genuinely told her how I feel about her behavior towards ME. In my opinion, full-disclosure and honesty are key elements when you're in an LTR. I don't find my message needy per-se due to the circumstances. I might be wrong, but again, it's my opinion. If you think otherwise, I'd be happy to hear about it. Quote: Quote: Quote: I don't know what the fuck is going on, I sent her a message yesterday basically saying (translated)- These days were really rough on me. I needed you the most, most likely more than you ever needed me, and you didn't even care. Everybody asks what's up with me, tries to help, and you? nada. I don't know what you're trying to prove, but Thanks, just know that it's not a competition of who hurts the most. Good night Why would you send her something like this? You are basically begging her to be more sensitive with you. And it seems sort of needy. If she is not willing to give you support, I don't think you should demand it. I don't really agree with this. A girlfriends job is to support the man, and vica versa. That's what a relationship is about. OP what you told your girlfriend is quite common sense and it's got nothing to do with neediness. The way she reacted is disrespectful and I would cut contact. Not saying that it's worth a breakup but if she does not give a shit about you you will break up anyway. I (try to) believe it's just a phase, but I'm aware to the fact that if it goes on then whether I want it or not, we will break up. However I think she just want your attention. I really don't think this guy is a threat and she just wants to make you jealous with him. If she were to cheat she would try to keep these stuff a secret. True. You can tell her also that if this guy is so great than why is she not with him. Tell her this calmly and tell her to think about her behaviour because you won't tolerate shit like this. Then go no contact. I disagree, giving such an emphasis on this ONE guy shows to her I'm actually threatened by him (am I? kinda, naturally) and is a huge DLV for me and a DHV for him (for free). Maybe if I was 0% bothered by the situation it would've worked, but I don't know how to lie through my teeth...Meanwhile I went NC. Been busy with military stuff since early in the morning. By the way, usually when I go NC because she did something bad (cussed me, gave me shit about something stupid I did like go out with my friends instead of going out with her [when I already made plans with them!]) the following morning goes like this: "where have you been? why didn't you return my calls?" -"I was busy" "so busy you couldn't call me?" -"yes" "what were you doing?" -"I was busy." "you were busy for 12 hours straight? no phones around" etc etc... what should I do? make up an excuse? Thanks for the responses.

Author:	neo87 [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:41 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Sounds bad. I agree the message wasn't that bad, she should have support you. My guess is you have been away, the relationship is old, both of you have played games in the past, and she likes this guy somewhat. You two have hurt each other, the new guy is fun and they've connected and now you feel like shit over getting kicked out. The rollercoaster is about to freefall. The no contact is just going to pull you two further away. You can't not respond to your gf for hours. Unless something extreme happened, she's gonna know you're just ignoring her which will push her away more. Communicate would be my first option, but it doesn't sound good.

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Author:	Xeydo [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:52 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Thanks for the advice, I tried to call her now but no answer. Maybe she's hurt over something I did, but I don't think so, this time she acts very differently - cold, distant. We've been trough worse so I think it'll be OK. Any way, I'm not afraid of losing her, more like I'd prefer not to, she's a fun, intelligent girl.

Author:	RealMe [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:30 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Quote: I can imagine how it sounds, however, once you have a frame set - you can move a bit to the left or to the right, it won't matter. I always showed her I'm not needy, however I do want her to be here WHEN I NEED HER SUPPORT. Ok I stand corrected. You are probably right.

Author:	Heywood Jablowme [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:39 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Let her think another girl is interested in YOU, more over GET another girl interested in you.

Author:	Xeydo [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:18 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Just finished a phone conversation, I couldn't be more furious I honestly opened up and told her how difficult it is for me right now and explained to her that I'm really disappointed from her lack of interest towards what's been going on with me lately. She started to tell me how I was never by her side and she was always alone (what a fucking lie!), and when we had a break she was all alone and she really needed me but I wasn't there.. So then I told her what the fuck does it has to do with anything? All that you're interested in right now is arguing with me about the past, can't you put these stuff aside for a minute? I'm really suffering right now and I NEED YOUR HELP! Then she told me some bullshit excuses about me not being available due to bad reception, "you always tell me that I can't help you" (another fucking lie) and started telling me about her seeing one of my exes on the street and how she felt mad at me when she saw her - so I told her - yeah, you're mad at me because of my history right? well I should be mad at you because you've been with more guys than I've been with girls ! (true) I tried to get back to the subject, I told her "look, I don't care for these things right now, I'm really in trouble, I might go to prison (true) and it's REALLY a difficult situation right now, why can't you understand?" Then she said "yeah, it's serious only when it comes to you, you poor thing...stop pretending!" I really got pissed off and almost lost it so I asked her "you think it's not serious ???! do you think I'm fooling you ?!" Then she started telling me she's sick of this relationship and it's not worth anything and before I had a chance to say anything she hung up. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! She made me SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!! I'm NOT NEEDY, so why is she acting this way ?! Why did she become such a BITCH ?! FUCK ! Edit: She called me 10 minutes after I posted this. She said she's really sorry and she didn't know it was THAT serious. We ended up having a normal conversation at least, she apologized for her bitchy behavior (she called it aggressive behavior but w/e) and told me it was because she feels alone in this relationship. Basically, she got used to having no-one to lean to. I totally understand, maybe I was wrong all along? I'm starting to think I'm a narcissist ?

Author:	AFCToTheMax [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 3:06 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Quote: Just finished a phone conversation, I couldn't be more furious I honestly opened up and told her how difficult it is for me right now and explained to her that I'm really disappointed from her lack of interest towards what's been going on with me lately. She started to tell me how I was never by her side and she was always alone (what a fucking lie!), and when we had a break she was all alone and she really needed me but I wasn't there.. So then I told her what the fuck does it has to do with anything? All that you're interested in right now is arguing with me about the past, can't you put these stuff aside for a minute? I'm really suffering right now and I NEED YOUR HELP! Then she told me some bullshit excuses about me not being available due to bad reception, "you always tell me that I can't help you" (another fucking lie) and started telling me about her seeing one of my exes on the street and how she felt mad at me when she saw her - so I told her - yeah, you're mad at me because of my history right? well I should be mad at you because you've been with more guys than I've been with girls ! (true) I tried to get back to the subject, I told her "look, I don't care for these things right now, I'm really in trouble, I might go to prison (true) and it's REALLY a difficult situation right now, why can't you understand?" Then she said "yeah, it's serious only when it comes to you, you poor thing...stop pretending!" I really got pissed off and almost lost it so I asked her "you think it's not serious ???! do you think I'm fooling you ?!" Then she started telling me she's sick of this relationship and it's not worth anything and before I had a chance to say anything she hung up. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! She made me SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!! I'm NOT NEEDY, so why is she acting this way ?! Why did she become such a BITCH ?! FUCK ! You are not needy mate. She is a complete bitch. Sorry to say this but I would dump her. She is disrespectful and I think she is trying to find excuses to end this relationship now. I had a similar girl than you where I was communicating to her in a non needy way about what I want etc. and she didn't give a shit. Dumped her without saying a word. You will feel a lot better about yourself if you do it trust me.

Author:	Xeydo [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 4:24 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Okay, now that this situation is our for the way (for now) How can I work on dominance, while not being a narcissist? She usually complains about me not caring for her requests and that I do whatever I want even if she doesn't like it (sound dominant enough?)

Author:	neo87 [ Fri Aug 09, 2013 5:32 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
Either your gf is a huge bitch or you're a borderline emotionally abusive bf from her reaction. Either way seems like there's some resentment between you two. This is not the whole story and details are missing.

Author:	vhou812 [ Sat Aug 10, 2013 4:32 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Bullshit with Girlfriend's "Best Friend"
This is what happens when you continue to game while in a relationship. At some point, you have to be there for her when she needs you. Sounds to me like you chose to show dominance and lack of neediness by simply ignoring her requests for attention. Now, she found some guy that showers her with attention, and it feels good. Now she's addicted to it. She's not going to let it go at this point, so an ultimatum is not going to work. In my estimation, this relationship is dead unless you take actions to save it. She's moved on emotionally and is basically trying to avoid breaking up with you by attempting to create problems such that you just break up with her. If you want to save the relationship, my advice is for you to tell her you are sorry if you did neglect her or not support her when she felt like she needed you for that. Tell her you understand why she'd be upset about it, because you were upset when she was not really there for you. Tell her life is better when you could use someone for support and someone is there. DO NOT PROMISE HER YOU"LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER! Just let her know you understand what she's saying, and after that, go no contact and follow through with Heywood's suggestion. The idea behind my suggestion is to show her some empathy, and then give her time and space for your words to sink in and let her begin to think that maybe she is losing you when in fact, you could be there for her more in the future or be more of what she thinks she wants or needs. Couple that with some other woman being interested in you, and I think that's your best chance. And if it fails, what the hell, you've got a new woman who's interested in you, right? Good luck.

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