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Between affair and relationship
https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=128&t=163840		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  Monophthalmos [ Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Between affair and relationship
Hi,

after a break up I got my act together and was rewarded with a hot fuck buddy. We connect well on the sexual level, meeting 3-4 times a week for talks and deeds. We do things together outside the bedroom but she doesn't like to be seen in public as she comes from a conservative and even repressive family and has an irrational fear of being known as a slut. On the other hand she shows and tells me how much she like spending time with me, that she feels secure around me and that the sex is good and plentiful.

She is the one keeping the distance, though it is not for a lack of attraction but rather a problem with letting people close to her. Her only longterm boyfriend was what she described as a "lonely wolf" and she lost attraction when he stopped being distant and getting needy.

I on the other hand am prone to change fuckbuddies into relationships or drop them, because it's not really leading anywhere and I am not getting younger. I didn't talk about relationship etc., I simply acted incrementally like a b/f - hopefully without seeming needy, because that's the last I want.

I proposed we do a little trip together to see some landmarks, visit a museum and spice it up with sex along the way and she was all for it. But later she confessed she was feeling like getting into a relationship and that o the one hand she really liked this but then also plainly stated "You know that I have trouble with people getting close to me?" I replied that I am a guy who gets close to people and that's who I am and that I don't fuck objects but people. She said she liked me getting closer - but also worried about it.

She then asked for a week of radio silence which I am keeping at the moment. It is not difficult for me, so I am quite glad that I didn't fall into the "needy-trap", but I am not quite sure what to make of this. Does she sound like a nutjob or is it common for fuckbuddies and "distanced" women to take some time to get used to the idea? I don't say she's the wife of my dreams but she is a good fuck and entertaining and I wouldn't mind an official relationship with her to see where it leads.
Author:  Monophthalmos [ Mon Jun 10, 2013 8:46 am ]
Post subject:  Straight questions added
I should probably add a straight question to it:

1.
I seem to be uncomfortable with FB after a certain period of time. I either get attached/interested or lose attraction. In this case I am leaning towards getting interested. Is this healthy or some kind of neediness? I am not sure, I am not a robot.

2. Does this girl sound normal? Some PUAs claim that a girl from an unhealthy family will probably not make good g/f material. I have scaled back my expectations over the years because nearly everybody who got close to me talked about dead bodies in the closet of their family history and some of the most aweseome girls came from a really shitty background. So is a weird family a red flag?

3. If I want to transition from FB to GF, what course of action is recommended? Deeds over words or "the talk"?

Thanks!
Author:  User13247 [ Mon Jun 10, 2013 10:04 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Between affair and relationship
Quote:
"You know that I have trouble with people getting close to me?"
I'm thinking she read one too many Jane Austen novels: "Someone broke my heart once, now I may never love again." She's just craving some drama.

1. It is never needy to do what you want for reasons you think important.
2. Girl sounds normal. Not being able to build close emotional ties may indicate a psychological disorder, but there is no indication of that whatsoever, her statements regarding closeness notwithstanding.
3. A relationship is a label for certain level of commitment. Before you do anything, think about whether she is willing (note the contrast) to exhibit the amount of commitment you expect in a relationship. Why would you be exclusive if she isn't willing to do that, why would you take her on trips or offer emotional support if she would not do the same for you? If you think she might be willing to commit as much as you, take a chance and have a talk about it. Remember however, that actions always speak louder than words.
Author:  Monophthalmos [ Mon Jun 10, 2013 2:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Between affair and relationship
Hi Timo, thx for the reply.

She has studied English Literature, so Austen may be involved ;) Though she is not heartbroken, but a heartbreaker: She lost attraction, went abroad to study, went on a sex binge, came back, broke up with him, slept with him, they came back together until she realized that it was really over.

I don't mind her cheating on him as this tends to speed up things in broken relationships and saves everybody involved the time which is wasted by clinging together. But I didn't like the "I was attracted, when he seemed unreachable and aloof and lost interest when he let down his guard". She had hunted him for 2 years and they had been together for 5 years, so I guess this will shape her view on relationships. I am not sure if she is really turned off by people growing close to her or if he turned into a pussy over the years, which may well correlate with the "letting down the guard" stuff. I've no problem with trying not to turn into a pussy but I don't want a relationship with somebody who sees intimacy as weakness - I would be better off with an affair that way.

Anyway, your point 3 ist crucial, thank you for reminding me of making certain, that the level of commitment is not slanted. I have always been the one to initiate activities, so let's see what happens ...
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