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Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
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Author:  om3n [ Sun May 19, 2013 1:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
So I'm in a relationship with this girl for about half a year. Things go really well, she told me many times she loves me, sometimes I told her I love her too in return, she invests a lot into our relationship, I think it's a healthy relationship. She works hard and saves all the money so we two could go on vacation in the summer.

But!

She broke up with her ex about 9 months ago. They were both going to study in different cities and wouldn't see each other. She also claims he started to be weak and she didn't love him anymore. She started dating me shortly after that and we became serious over the next months. In the first months, he called her phone 10-20 times a day, texted her like mad, etc. She basically ignored it all. Then, after 2-3 months, he calmed down. From a third party, I know about an accident when he tried to kiss her but she got mad at him.

These days, he texts or calls her once a couple of days, AFAIK. She didn't cut him off her life completely as sometimes they see each other when she's home in her town. I know he still wants her, he loves her and although he's got a new girlfriend, he would leave her and start again with my girl, if he had the chance. When they meet, I guess they just chat each other up, but what can I know. :)

The problem is - he's going to have a birthday party in about 3 weeks. He invited her, she said she would come if she has free time. She never told me about any of this, I know from a third party again.

Today, she messages me on facebook (it's nearly always her who starts the conversation), we chat up a little, then she mentions she's been studying all day and now she's going to go out for a while since there's a nice weather out there. I don't question her or anything. I call the "third party" and yes, she's going out with him. He wants her to help him choose some props for his birthday party.

So, he's in love with her all the time. She is not dumb, she has got to know that. He tried to escalate on her previously, she rejected him. He'll try again and again, I'm sure. Why is she going out with him? Why she didn't tell me she wants to attend his party? I'm sure she knows this is something I might want to know.

Now this kind of pisses me off but I'm unsure about what to do. Should I somehow tell her it's not okay for her to see him? Or just be straightforward and tell her it doesn't make me feel well? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Author:  jackfromaus [ Sun May 19, 2013 1:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
To be honest I think the worst part is she isn't telling you about it indicating she perhaps has something to hide.

If she is obviously going out of her way to see him and cover it up, that is a red flag in my book bro. Sorry to say.
Author:  om3n [ Sun May 19, 2013 1:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
Well, her schedule is busy and I'm sure she herself doesn't know yet whether she'll visit the party or not. But she surely wants to. Maybe she'll tell me later, but I'm cautious.
Author:  Wall1e [ Sun May 19, 2013 2:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
Quote:
Well, her schedule is busy and I'm sure she herself doesn't know yet whether she'll visit the party or not. But she surely wants to. Maybe she'll tell me later, but I'm cautious.
Ask if you can join her, and see how she reacts. If she's ok with it, but he's not ok with it, then you can say: maybe he wants to try something out on you, and doesn't want me to be in the same room, since it would make me mad (or something in that sense).

Wallie
Author:  fugs [ Mon May 20, 2013 1:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
She is hiding something. I would pay extra attention to her behaviour. Also, be willing to walk away.
Author:  krular [ Mon May 20, 2013 2:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
She is disrespecting you and the relationship by hiding all of it and not discussing it with you.
Author:  vhou812 [ Mon May 20, 2013 9:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
Did I read this right?

she tells you on FB that she is going out for a bit because she studied all day, and you have to call a 3rd party to find out WHO she is going out with, and it's him? And he's an ex?

Seems to me like he's gaining traction, and honestly, she hasn't ever put him away despite being in a relationship with you.

To me, there is only one way to deal with this. When she gets home, I'd tell her it is over. When she asks why, it's very simple. She is going out with her ex boyfriend and not being forthright about all of it, all the time. Whether she does or did anything with him is irrelevant. The fact that she isn't being open and honest about it makes it something you don't have time for. She'll demand to find out how you know too, but IMHO, she doesn't get to know that information. Why? Because you weren't priviledged enough to know everything about her either.

This one is a simple ultimatum after all of this. Don't fall for crying, begging, and all that shit. Either she is not hiding shit from you anymore, or you're done. Core to me keeping her around would be understanding why the dodgy bullshit in the first place if you've been fairly cool about her ex until now.
Author:  om3n [ Tue May 21, 2013 6:50 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
UPDATE:

So we had a chat last night and I asked her how did she enjoy her day, etc., just a normal smalltalk. She repeated she's been outside for a while, so I grabbed the chance and casually asked her who she's been with or if she's been alone. Man, I felt like it's a make or break thing....if she lies to me, we're done.

She honestly said she's been with him. I was like "what the f...?!?!?" while she maintained attitude similar to "But I thought you're okay with that!" I told her it's two different things whether they bump into each other somewhere and chat a little or when they set up a meeting and then go to see each other. The latter bothers me. She replied with a simple "ok" so I just froze her out.

Today she's been super nice, compliant, trying to get my attention, but I've ignored her for most of the time saying I'm not in a good mood. Then she asked what made me have a bad mood (Seriously?) and I replied with that exact word. After that she just said she won't be seeing him anymore if that is the matter.

Anyway, I'm still somewhat pissed.

What now?
Author:  krular [ Tue May 21, 2013 3:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
This is your call. You either end it now and move on. Or you except her and totally act like nothing bothers you, and if she does it again. Next her ass.
Author:  vhou812 [ Tue May 21, 2013 7:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
She came clean when she didn't have to. That's a good sign. Like the others said, it's your call.

Personally, it sounds to me now like you're punishing her for good behavior. She came clean. If you want to be with her, get your ass over it, and don't waste more of your life being pissed or playing a game. You got what you wanted, she appears to have cut the cord with him and is trying to gain your attention. Acting like a baby at this point will only drive her to him.

Cement in her head that she made the right decision, and she doesn't need the ex bf.

If you're not going to do that, then just end it and move on.
Author:  om3n [ Tue May 21, 2013 10:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
Thanks guys, I will.

We made peace over that today. There's just one last thing that bugs me. She already stated she's gonna be in her home city again for the weekend after this weekend. Just when her ex-bf has a party she's been invited to. What a coincidence.

But I play it cool, she doesn't know I know about it. I want to see what is she going to do. If she attends the party I'll dump her in no time.
Author:  Dr. Jones [ Wed May 22, 2013 9:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
Quote:
But I play it cool, she doesn't know I know about it. I want to see what is she going to do. If she attends the party I'll dump her in no time.
Like you did the last time?

If I'm a politician and there's a rumor out that says I like fucking strippers, where is the last place I should be seen? What does that say about me if I know about the rumor, yet I'm seen at the strip club anyway?

This girl is on thin ice right now and she knows it. So why is she heating up her skates with gusto?

He tried to kiss her. She was mad, but they hung out again. He used to call her 10-20 times a day, she didn't change her number. She lied about hanging out with him once, she's in the process of doing it again now.

The signs are there. Feel free to get off the ride whenever you like.
Author:  BadBoy84 [ Fri May 31, 2013 5:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
Quote:
Quote:
But I play it cool, she doesn't know I know about it. I want to see what is she going to do. If she attends the party I'll dump her in no time.
Like you did the last time?

If I'm a politician and there's a rumor out that says I like fucking strippers, where is the last place I should be seen? What does that say about me if I know about the rumor, yet I'm seen at the strip club anyway?

This girl is on thin ice right now and she knows it. So why is she heating up her skates with gusto?

He tried to kiss her. She was mad, but they hung out again. He used to call her 10-20 times a day, she didn't change her number. She lied about hanging out with him once, she's in the process of doing it again now.

The signs are there. Feel free to get off the ride whenever you like.

^^^^TRUTH

OP, I've been in this situation before, ignored everyone's advice, and my life imploded; my intuition was true, but I didn't want to believe it so I kept seeing past it. For me, it almost came to blows with me and a couple guys; not worth it. She is shooting 500 gram red flag mortars, and you won't let yourself see them.

dump her like a wet sack of shit.
Author:  Hot-Shot [ Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
Quote:
She is disrespecting you and the relationship by hiding all of it and not discussing it with you.
this
Author:  Themagicalone [ Tue Jun 04, 2013 7:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Red flag? Please help me figure this one out
Quote:
Quote:
But I play it cool, she doesn't know I know about it. I want to see what is she going to do. If she attends the party I'll dump her in no time.
Like you did the last time?

If I'm a politician and there's a rumor out that says I like fucking strippers, where is the last place I should be seen? What does that say about me if I know about the rumor, yet I'm seen at the strip club anyway?

This girl is on thin ice right now and she knows it. So why is she heating up her skates with gusto?

He tried to kiss her. She was mad, but they hung out again. He used to call her 10-20 times a day, she didn't change her number. She lied about hanging out with him once, she's in the process of doing it again now.

The signs are there. Feel free to get off the ride whenever you like.
Obvious she's not over her ex, NEXT
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