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My GF likes some guy
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Author:  tedd [ Thu Apr 11, 2013 11:45 am ]
Post subject:  My GF likes some guy
Girlfriend:
Girl is funny, intelligent, beautiful. We are from different countries, so there might be some cultural differences. I'm 26, she is 24.

Situation:
Her and I dated for exactly 1 year (anniversary is in 5 days). We've been living together for 5 months. And we are working for the same company but in different teams (she works in a building next door).
Our first few months were amazing, then after we moved in, it kinda became a little bit of a routine. We enjoyed greatly of being with each other, and I was very happy to see her every evening and wake up with her. We had small fights every now and then, as all couples do, but almost never anything major. Although it's worth mentioning that she is really sensitive to fights because of her childhood issues (lived through 2 divorces).
We would spend every evening and all weekends together, mostly just 2 of us, going to the movies, walking in the parks, visiting bars, traveling, and doing all kind of great things. It might be a little bit too much of time spending together, as we stopped to hang out with friends and wanted all the time to spend together.
Sex was almost great, although probably we should've tried to spice the things up a bit.
But overall I though everything was going great. Thus, I could not even imagine a week ago that we are going to get to this kind of situation we are now...

Problem:
Last week I went to NYC for work, and she stayed here. My colleague and I are decided to grab a beer in a stipbar. We did not get any lapdances or anything like that, just a beer. When I got back to town, I decided to be honest and told her everything about the stripbar. She freaked out like I have never seen people freaking out before. She was crying almost threw up on the street!

We got home, I was trying to apologize and explain her that that was completely harmless. Could not convince her then. She yelled at me "fuck off" and called her friend. So we slept separately that night, and that was the first time ever.
In the morning she informed me that she decided that she cannot be with me anymore as:
1. she does not trust me anymore
2. she hates all the fights we've been having, especially when I was generalizing or talking about her personally (e.g. "you always do that...")

Then a bit later we had a long talk, I explained that 2nd reason could be fixed easily, if only I knew that this was such a big problem, I would've stopped saying these things long time ago. Promised that will avoid "attacking her personally" from now on. And kept trying to explain myself about the strip bar. That night we slept separately again.

Next day she said that she is not sure about anything anymore, we might work it out or might now. We had a nice long talk in the evening again and she said that it was one of the best talks we had recently. She forgave me for the stripbar. We slept in the same bed, kissed, touched each other but she stopped me at some point as she's still upset.

Next evening I came home late, decided to give her some space, so had a beer in a bar. When I got home she started crying and told me that she has been having these feelings about her colleague. She was hoping it will go away, she sweared she never acted on it, never talked to him about that. But now she doesn't know what to do, because "she still cares so much about me". Then she gave me plenty of compliments, but avoided saying that she loved me. Worth mentioning, we both understand that dating within 1 team is a very bad idea, so that might have some meaning.

She said that she doesn't know him that well, but they go play fussball together, and get coffees at work sometimes, and they work on the same project.

Now I realize that I am basically associated with a routine life and he is associated with something fun, new and exciting. She said yesterday: "I'm don't know him but I am feeling that he wouldn't want to change me". And I'm keen on self-improvement, and would give her some advice (e.g. chin up when walking) every now and then. So apparently she doesn't appreciate any advice of this kind.

My efforts
- Communication.
Talked a lot, listened carefully, letting her speak, trying to understand what she is going through and why.
- Getting in shape
Tried to make myself to get back in shape. I am quite good looking, can say about the same level as her, but recently gained some weight (a few kg).
- Gave her space
Did stuff in the evenings last few days, gym, friends, classes to give her space.

My plans
We both going to our homecountries in 8 days, so I think these 8 days are crucial.
- I'm thinking of giving her more space, and thinking of taking my stuff tonight and stay a few days with a friend. Maybe this way she will see that she misses me and needs me.

====
Guys, sorry for my English, I'm not a native speaker. I would love to get some advice on what to do, I love this girl and want to work it out.

I would appreciate all useful comments. Thanks so much.
Tedd
Author:  tedd [ Thu Apr 11, 2013 2:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Sorry for such a long post.

A short summary:
My girlfriend likes another guy, but she still likes me and she doesn't know what to do. I'm asking for some guidance, what could be done here. I'm gonna grab my things today and stay with a friend for a few days, to think it through unless someone convinces me that this is a bad idea.

Any comment would be much appreciated!
Author:  vhou812 [ Thu Apr 11, 2013 3:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
This is just me, and people are different, but any girl who responds to me being truthful about going to strip joint like that is not gf material.
Author:  gslizzard [ Thu Apr 11, 2013 6:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Quote:
This is just me, and people are different, but any girl who responds to me being truthful about going to strip joint like that is not gf material.
She should trust you and even give you the benefit of the doubt when you are telling the truth.

I would say don't talk to her much while you guys are away for those 8 days so she has time to miss you.
Try and do things in your relationship you don't normally do as you said you live a routine lifestyle. Change it.|

That is just my opinion if course.
Author:  pumpington [ Thu Apr 11, 2013 6:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
the only person that can make the tough calls in your life is you, how do you put on shoes in the mourning? what colour of shoes are you going to wear tomorrow?

go put some red shoes on or go put some blue shoes on, there is no correct choice, just the one you prefer

she gets jealous about some strip club and thinks you nagging her about what she should/shouldn't do or work on is annoying

you consider her liking some employee she works with as your big problem

those are some things to consider, where's the trust?, I'm sure you find plenty of other women attractive, just like who ever you are with no matter who the girl is, will find plenty of other guys attractive, what does it all mean if you can't trust each other?
Author:  Hunter_Foxe [ Thu Apr 11, 2013 7:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Sounds like she was looking for an excuse to confess her crush on her colleague all along.

Either that or she doesn't have a crush on him and just wanted to hurt your feelings in the way you hurt her, in revenge. In which case she's gaming you, hard.

You choked this relationship to death. You are no longer a challenge for her. 24/7 either with her or near her is just wrong, even if you both say you want it.

Reverse the situation on her by calling her bluff. Tell her YOU need space and you need a break. The thought of losing you is powerful. Soft next her and she will start to miss you, even move out for a while if you feel pussy whipped and need to regain control. Be prepared to lose the girl to keep the girl.
Author:  Themagicalone [ Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Quote:
Sounds like she was looking for an excuse to confess her crush on her colleague all along.Either that or she doesn't have a crush on him and just wanted to hurt your feelings in the way you hurt her, in revenge. In which case she's gaming you, hard.

You choked this relationship to death. You are no longer a challenge for her. 24/7 either with her or near her is just wrong, even if you both say you want it.

Reverse the situation on her by calling her bluff. Tell her YOU need space and you need a break. The thought of losing you is powerful. Soft next her and she will start to miss you, even move out for a while if you feel pussy whipped and need to regain control. Be prepared to lose the girl to keep the girl.
Exactly the first thing I thought while reading it she wanted to justify leaving the OP and going after the guy at work(If she hasn't done anything by now) so she made something huge out of almost nothing as a excuse. And the last sentence by Foxe sums it up
Author:  neo87 [ Thu Apr 11, 2013 11:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Let things end. You tried to change things about her and probably bordeline controlling, and she met someone she thinks will be better. She sounds crazy but then again, that could just be your actions have pushed her away to the point where she is fed up with you. Whatever the case, you've learned not to go about trying to change little things about someone.
Author:  Rough Operator [ Fri Apr 12, 2013 2:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Personally, I would just next her. Smells fishy to me.

She blows up in an unreasonable fashion, then confesses her feelings for another man. Don't they say girls who are thinking of leaving/looking elsewhere/cheating will make excuses to pick fights and blow up relatively minor things into reasons for a break up?
Author:  tedd [ Fri Apr 12, 2013 9:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Thanks so much, guys. I'm really starting to see this more clearly now.

I did take my stuff yesterday and went to a friend, wrote her a letter which says that we both need space and time.

I made a decision to follow this piece of advice:
Quote:
Reverse the situation on her by calling her bluff. Tell her YOU need space and you need a break.
Caught myself on a though that I am actually starting to doubt if I want to stay with her. I guess I will keep fighting for her, and will decide in the forecoming days.

P.S. about the stripclub, I forgot to mention that before that trip, she kinda asked me not to go to a stripclub (not too convincingly though i.e. "You will probably go to a strip club...I don't know if I would feel too comfortable"). But I still didn't know it would be such a big deal, and my intentions were to grab a beer, not to get lap dances.

Will keep you posted. Thanks!
Author:  tedd [ Fri Apr 12, 2013 10:21 am ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
I'm also trying to figure out logistics, as we're renting an apt together and need to decide what to do with it.

As I see it, there are 2 options:
1. If we break up - both move out.
2. If we get back together - both move out anyway. I think if we manage to fix this thing, it's a a good idea to start with dating and not living together. This way we can spend much less time together than we used to, keeping the excitement going.

So, I want to have a chat with her in a few days and explain that. Potential threat - she might think it's over for good. Could you advise if it is a good idea/timing or should I postpone apt talks?
Author:  Dr. Jones [ Fri Apr 12, 2013 11:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
You two need to get it out of the way and discuss if you are over or not. If you are, no hard feelings, wish her luck, and move out your things. If you decide to stay together, wait a couple more days to have a follow-up conversation about living in separate places. If you're feeling claustrophobic, chances are she could be, too. Communicate that with her.

As for the strip club, it doesn't change the advice on what has to be done. However, this girl told you it would make her feel uncomfortable if you went. Not what you did there, but the act of going there by itself. You also wrote earlier about demonstrating to her how to position her chin when she walks?

Spend more time considering her feelings and less on correcting her posture. If your compulsion to go to a strip club is stronger than not hurting her feelings, then you know what to do.
Author:  tedd [ Fri Apr 12, 2013 1:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Makes sense, I guess I should postpone talks about apt for now. Need to concentrate on reversing the situation.
Author:  Hunter_Foxe [ Fri Apr 12, 2013 7:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Quote:
Thanks so much, guys. I'm really starting to see this more clearly now.

I did take my stuff yesterday and went to a friend, wrote her a letter which says that we both need space and time.

I made a decision to follow this piece of advice:
Quote:
Reverse the situation on her by calling her bluff. Tell her YOU need space and you need a break.
Caught myself on a though that I am actually starting to doubt if I want to stay with her. I guess I will keep fighting for her, and will decide in the forecoming days.

P.S. about the stripclub, I forgot to mention that before that trip, she kinda asked me not to go to a stripclub (not too convincingly though i.e. "You will probably go to a strip club...I don't know if I would feel too comfortable"). But I still didn't know it would be such a big deal, and my intentions were to grab a beer, not to get lap dances.

Will keep you posted. Thanks!

What do you mean by "fighting for her"? The whole point of moving out is to give you space and to help you think rationally. If you move out but still stay in contact on the phone, you are defeating the point of moving out. Remove all methods of contact with her, email, social media EXCEPT your cell phone. Ignore her for at least a week (2 weeks even, or longer if you still can't think rationally) unless SHE calls you. Making yourself scarce is the only way you can increase her interest in you. If you break no contact she knows she can snap her fingers and get you back. If you do decide to get back with her, make it clear it will be on your terms.

When you do finally have that talk, be completely ok with the idea of her leaving for good. Nothing gets under a woman's skin more than a guy saying "Ok, no problem. Wish you all the best!" when she dumps him. They want you to be DEVASTATED, depressed, begging her to stay etc.because it makes them feel powerful and in control. Don't give her that pleasure and don't be friends with her if she does leave you.
Author:  tedd [ Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:00 am ]
Post subject:  Re: My GF likes some guy
Well, she called today and we went for a talk. She said that she wants to break up. Apparently she spoke to this guy yesterday and he does like her back so they gonna start dating. So I wished her all the best.
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