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LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
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Author:  Volter130 [ Tue Mar 05, 2013 7:18 am ]
Post subject:  LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Hi guys
I need some advice. I have been dating this girl for what would be 2 years in a week.First some background info, i am currently in my third year of study, she is in my same dining hall, and we are studying towards the same degree. This means i see her everyday! So through the last 2 years she has been through a lot, her grandfather passed away, her dad is estranged as well as her mom has psychological problems. Everything was all hunky dorey for the first year, i broke her V, we went on holiday for 3 months together, was amazing. Second year was a little different, after about 6 months she began becoming very distant.So stupidly i pulled, instead of pushes, and she told me we should break up. Her reason, she doesn't love me anymore.At this point we were hardly having sex as well, which supported her argument that she doesn't love me anymore. I did no contact for 2 weeks, she contacts me crying, says she wants to jump off a building, i immediately meet up with her, and everything is fine for another week, then the same shit happens again, so i go completely no contact for like 3 weeks, even though i see her everyday.It works, and she is madly in love with me again, sex is great, we go on holiday together for 3 months, she tells me she never stopped loving me, she felt like she wasn't in her own body, and someone else had been making those stupid decisions for her. Now it is third year, same shit over again, we spent 3 months with hardly a single fight, yet now she fights about everything, and 2 weeks ago she was talking about us getting married...her own idea. Now, 4 days ago she broke up with me, told me she doesnt feel like she wants a relationship. I went no contact, she came up to me in one of our pracs, and starts making small talk with me. I end up sending her a message that day telling her i am hurt that the way she just feels like she can bail on our relationship whenever times get tough, or we don't see eye to eye.She goes complete psycho on me, deleted me off everything, tell me she thinks this is for the best, because i am so manipulative. I ask her friend whats up, she tells me that my gf told her she just doesnt love me anymore...When 2 weeks ago she burst into tears and told me she wants to get married and this relationship means everything to her! I love this girl, and although she may go through weeks of complete insanity, for months on end things go great, then she just seems to lose interest...Please give me some advice? How do i go no contact on someone who i see everyday? Do i ignore her when she makes small talk? Do i not greet her? Because i sent her a message saying that we both decided that when times get tough we are going to work through it, she never even replied...
Author:  Rough Operator [ Tue Mar 05, 2013 12:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
This girl seems like way too much trouble and definitely isn't relationship material. Be civil and unaffected when you see her in person but maintain no contact, sounds like she's the manipulative one and not you.

Don't go back there, even if she comes crying to you. She doesn't love you and she is just using you.
Author:  harare [ Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Been (actually still am) there... That kind of girls are drug... You become easly addicted on their good periods, you get fucked up on their bad periods but still cant get rid of them...

When you are good to her, give her attention and be there for her she become confused and dumps you... When you try to move on, she begs you back. One week everything is perfect and she wants to marry you and swear that wants to spend life with you, other week she is not sure about anything...

I m really not best person for advices on that matter because i know how hard is to follow any plans...
But yes, ignore small talks 100%, and avoid her at any cost... Don t run back every time she ask you. She is interested in you only when she doesnt have you or is scared of completely loosing you...

But actually i know that both of us are aware of only healthy solution... Kick her out of life and mind, it is not going to get any better with her... But yep, addiction is really hoard thing to get rid off..

Good luck :)

Edit:
Quote:
Because i sent her a message saying that we both decided that when times get tough we are going to work through it, she never even replied...
hahahaha, heard this so many times... well.. not gonna happen... EVER.
Author:  Volter130 [ Tue Mar 05, 2013 3:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Thanks for the replies guys.
I know, just thinking about it, i can't believe i have held on for so long, i suppose it is, like Harare said, the good times are amazingly good. Its also hard, because before all this drama started in her life, she was a joy to be around, and was such a sweet girl, with such a naughty side in bed, i felt truly blessed.Then, when the drama hit, i think it actually fucked her up mentally, something changed inside her. Another thing i forget to mention was during first year, i had a whole bunch of girls lined up, and she partly new that these girls were threats, but because of how great sex was and how good she treated me, i ended up choosing her, and made her the only egg in my basket.Whenever a girl gets too comfortable or realizes she has you 100%, i think her interest declines.My plan forward is to try sit in front in lectures, so i don't have to stare at the back of her head, and also do my pracs before hand so i can just hand them in, then leave, limiting the time i have to sit with her, our seats are directly next to each other...Her mother contacted me, and said she heard about the breakup, and told me she fears my gf might suffer from Bipolar, her mom was diagnosed with bipolar in her early 20's. I think we always know the correct answer, we just need others to reiterate it, i feel a whole lot better already.
Author:  Volter130 [ Tue Mar 05, 2013 3:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
And do you know what motivates me, is the fact that i know she is going to come back, and find her senses, and when she does, I will be so nice, i will be cocky/funny and will give her tiny hints of affection, and just when she thinks she has me again and tells me to come over and watch the latest episode of whatever, i will tell her, sorry i have a date :twisted:
Author:  mikemight [ Tue Mar 05, 2013 3:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
It's fascinating how people become human brain experts when they start rationalizing other people's problems when in fact, it is "YOUR" problem of your own undoing! Bipolar disorder. Did you know that some of the richest and talented people have some sort of Bipolar disorder? Perhaps it's really nuts and crazy to have millions and billions of dollars in the bank.

Here's what the OP experiences. The reason why the OP is so successful in the first year is because, his interest level in her is lower than her to him. He admitted it because he was dating other women. When he finally sets his sights on her, however, is when trouble began. A woman's sole job, when she likes you, is to raise YOUR interest in her so she can OWN YOU. So you can be her rock and mountain when she needs you. Her means is through affection with lots of kissing and lots of sex. Been there done that many times. This works pretty well for about 6months to a year. Probably worked for you a little bit longer because you didn't go out with her and be her exclusively alone until that 3 months vacation. Just because you guys see together in class everyday does not drive up or down interest level. If this is the case, then people will fall in love massively at work and at school that you don't really need match.com nor eharmony.com, plenty of fish etc... What drives a woman's interest in you is through your manly actions and you were doing just fine until you gave in. You guys went on a 3 months vacation. Sure it was amazing perhaps to you, but it was much more amazing for her. Why? Because, in that 3 months, she figured you all out. Her interest in you starts dropping. She knew right away you liked her so much more than she is to you, because you are willing to be with her for 3 long months.. If you did everything right in that 3 months vacation and raised her interest in you, she would have been all over you on the 2nd year. But NOOOO, she's naughty in bed and you're the hungry wolf that had never feasted on that lovely nice wet hole and that wet lips of her; lacking a bit of your own self-control. After that, I'm not surprised she became cold and distant really quick.
Rather than gradually nexting her by slowly cutting the number of intimate days together after coming back from the trip, which you were attempting to, I think you went ahead and purposely ignored her thinking if I disappear and appear difficult to get, she'll come back. She did but with a lot of resentment after you guys make up until now. If you purposely ignored a person, I'm not surprised she wants to break up with you because maybe she thinks she's being used as a sex buddy and all you ever think about her is just sex and she thinks you don't love her anymore.

Why is this and why soft next did not work? It's because you've showed to her that you are willing to be there with her for 3 months. When you're on drugs, you NEED a gradual withdrawal, not an extreme withdrawal! I mean 2 weeks of cold turkey when you're high on drugs for 3 months. Oh man.. A sudden withdrawal for anyone even if you're a smoker will make anyone nuts! You don't need a mental institutional doctor to tell you that! But then, you seemed to be an expert in mental psychology. Is she nuts? My answer is undetermined because I'm not a doctor, but I wouldn't speculate on that. Here's my thing. You went to being super available for 3 straight months to not available for 2 straight weeks. What does she think of you? Maybe she thinks you're flaky too or maybe mental nuts! I'm being fair to her you know.

What I think is that you went in too fast too soon to be with her. You should have gone on a long vacation until you've secured enough of her high interest so high, so when it drops it does not drop like a rock. When people go a long vacation together, it's always a "WE" thing, so it's not always easy to raise her interest level being a man because you may have to constantly compromise with her to do the "WE" thing. As unfair as it is, that unfortunately drives her interest down if you do the "WE" based on her requests which most men will just melt down to do anyhow! The only way to raise her interest level in any long vacation is that you are the captain, leader, protector and support and you mainly make your decision with her emotional support and without fear of messing up and be manly about it. This then becomes more of a "we" thing with you as the boss. Until you can do this, stick to a shorter vacation like a week and work your mileage up from there.
Author:  Volter130 [ Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Perhaps i was not clear, we spent the first holiday together ( her grandfather passed away, she had nobody else, i stayed with her for part of the holiday, then she came and stayed with me) Things were perfect for the next 6 months after that. It was only at that time i soft nexted her, because she told me she wasnt "inlove" with me anymore.

The next 3 month holiday, i agree with you, i should of shortened our time together.Its just a shock to me that in 2 weeks, somebody's feelings can change so quickly.Because 2 weeks ago, she was planning her whole future with me. Also i thought long holidays together formed attachment, due to oxytocin.

Mikemight, you mention a lot of problems, but did not really give me much advice.
Author:  cmd [ Wed Mar 06, 2013 12:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Quote:
It's fascinating how people become human brain experts when they start rationalizing other people's problems when in fact, it is "YOUR" problem of your own undoing!... The reason why the OP is so successful in the first year is because, his interest level in her is lower than her to him... A woman's sole job, when she likes you, is to raise YOUR interest in her so she can OWN YOU.
Lol! Looks like you are the human brain expert here. You don't seem to understand that this is a relationship and she's definitely manipulative.
Quote:
Why is this and why soft next did not work? It's because you've showed to her that you are willing to be there with her for 3 months.
I doubt you have ever experienced a mentally healthy girl...
Tho I understand where you are coming from, what you describe are the traits of a mentally unhealthy chick.


Volter, I think as well she has mental issues or at least is very unstable. " She contacts me crying, says she wants to jump off a building" after 2 weeks SHE first broke up with YOU??
Author:  harare [ Wed Mar 06, 2013 3:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Volter, you are relying too much on her words... Words are very cheap :)
I dont doubt that when she told you that she wants to marry you, that she really belived in it. But after 2 years of relationship you had to notice that woman simply doesnt have consistent mood...

When she told that she loves you, I m sure she did love you... But simply because her hormones and emotions were in right balance... And that balance never last too long.

Even woman admit that they often doesnt know what they want. So never take their word for granted, and it will save you from lot of pain because you will be expecting sudden twists in relationship...

And never allow to be manipulated with so shallow suicide threats. People who are ready to jump off the building simply jump... People that threatens that they will jump only seeking attention and trying to get what they want with blackmail, but never even think about actually jumping for real... :)
Author:  mikemight [ Wed Mar 06, 2013 3:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Quote:
Perhaps i was not clear, we spent the first holiday together ( her grandfather passed away, she had nobody else, i stayed with her for part of the holiday, then she came and stayed with me) Things were perfect for the next 6 months after that. It was only at that time i soft nexted her, because she told me she wasnt "inlove" with me anymore.

The next 3 month holiday, i agree with you, i should of shortened our time together.Its just a shock to me that in 2 weeks, somebody's feelings can change so quickly.Because 2 weeks ago, she was planning her whole future with me. Also i thought long holidays together formed attachment, due to oxytocin.

Mikemight, you mention a lot of problems, but did not really give me much advice.
Here's what I understand about human biochemistry in regards to love. When the love chemical known as PEA (phenylethylamine) is released in any human brain, a person gets "turned on" to the object of his or her desires. Now couple that with the love making sensations called Oxytocin (cuddle hormone), intense relaxed satisfaction and attachment is formed. So yes, you almost got that right. HOWEVER, in order to let this love relationship to endure, ENDORPHINS must be released in the brain and to continue to be released to keep the relationship. One of the ways to do this is orgasms (multiple would be nice on the woman) so pay attention on love making. It's not all about your orgasm cause most men only care about himself, but hers! But you can't make love to her 24 hours a day 7 days a week either nor can you keep her orgasmic for 8 hours straight. Therefore, you need another way to do this without penetration. Endorphins are naturally released through stress and pain. Exercise is a good way to release endorphins, so if you guys do exercise together like hiking or walking, that's a good start. OR, the most effective way is to keep her from OWNING you by means of challenge. Basically, you have your OWN life and busy with them and with this, the women in love will always be constantly stressed why their men aren't giving them their most fullest attention. In fact, the men do because women keep talking about their boyfriends or husbands on their girl nights out! Why do you think they like to do this! The stress caused by your natural challenge and Alpha ways made them feel good. In time, they will equate you to FEELING GOOD. When this happens, you can literally do no wrong until you become less challenged, easy, clingy and needy. Then the woman isn't as stressed, so then you get the silent SPAM. To jumpstart again, soft next or worst hard next is to get the PEA and then Oxytocin flowing again and then you begin another cycle of love.

What most people do not understand that the NC period (when you next her) is a period for you to review which actions caused her to dislike you. If you did everything right and manly, then perhaps you have to work on your habits. If you paid attention in the relationship when you sensed her interest level going down, you can then take a break, work on your flaws easier because you don't have much to work on. Women falls in love slowly as well as falling out, so she could have been seen to be very happy and keep saying I love you, I want to marry you while her interest level drops from 95% to 60%!! But you will notice her intensity in you love making wise will drop. That's why, it is essentially to be in a relationship without as much ego from you being the dominant factor! Less ego, your antenna becomes more receptive just like hers!

My advice to you is to wait for her call. Stop all communication and let her initiate the call. During this quiet time, exam what you did wrong to cause her to fall out of love. Be honest and set your ego aside for the moment. Write those flaws on a piece of paper and work on them. When she does call you back, tell her in a positive frame that you are glad to hear her and that you like to take her out for a date with a firm day and tone. If she agrees, go out and have fun. Get that PEA and Oxytocin going again, but this time with your improved frame of mind. Show to her that you are a changed man with actions (words are useless). She'll notice you changed. If she asked and commented "wow you've changed"; just tell her in soft confident tone that "I am a much better man just with you!! and look straight in her eyes with your soft glazing eyes after you said that for about 10 seconds! If she wants to kiss then afterwards, go for it! That's it. Just be positive. Once you guys begin sleeping again, endorphins will kick in and make sure she gets orgasmic. Then you can finish her with your cum. After that, remember to be a man and be a challenge and recognize the shift in her mood and do not be afraid and hesitant to soft next her!

Hope this helps.
Author:  Volter130 [ Wed Mar 06, 2013 4:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Harare, that is just the strange thing, her actions supported her words.Ill give you an example, we had been having amazing sex for months, and in all honestly i knew i could get it whenever i wanted, so my sex interest declined, she freaked out, and the one day burst into tears and told me i don't love her the same anymore, and she can feel she is losing me.

She would also keep saying we should go look at flats together, as well as after lectures when i say i'm going to my room, she would say "I'm coming with you!" and then jump into my bed and say "baby i am spending the night, i love your room more than mine, feels like home". But what was also very strange, is that always as soon as we got back to Uni, even though she was very clingy and needy, she almost suddenly lost all interest in sex. I couple of times i found porn in her history, never made it a big deal, until one day i brought it up because i told her we are spending all this time together in my bed, but we aren't having sex as much as we did while on vacation, do you want to spice up our sex life and watch porn.

She got really insecure, and told me she feels terribly uncomfortable with the idea of watching porn, which i found so strange because i knew she had been watching it.So i told her a stumbled upon some porn while i was typing "youtube" she freaked, and said its been an issue since high school, and feels ashamed. So i thought maybe because when we are on holiday she doesn't have access to porn, that's why her sex drive is a lot higher, because she isn't getting herself off.What do you guys make of this?

Thats a very interesting post Mikemight, i will definitely keep those things in mind, thanks. I did notice her intensity in love making stop, but what didn't add up is she was so clingy, always wanted to cuddle, which i did not give into unless we had sex, well 50% of the time, i did this subtly though. So she acted so attached to me, but physically she wasn't there in terms of intimacy, and every time i brought it up, she would say she has no idea why, and it has nothing to do with you(me), not everything is about you(me) and she doesn't know why she has lost interest in having sex etc etc etc...

By the way, she has no problem coming, i make sure every time she comes at least a couple times, she sometimes squirts as well, so i know she is not faking. Long relationship are also new to her, so just before she broke it off with me again, she told me she doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship and thinks she wants to end things. So i told her i really love her, but if that's what she wants, then that's what she has to do. So she ends up crying and saying she wants this(us) so bad, she doesn't know why she pushes me away sometimes. But like i mentioned in my original post, this doesn't happen everyday, we will go months with no issues, then suddenly its as though she is a different person, she becomes cold, and has that i don't care attitude, and almost hates me. What i'm afraid of, is when she is in one of her "phases" she seems almost capable of doing anything, fucking someone else, jumping off a cliff, you name it... and no matter what i say i can't reason with her. That's when i just have to go NC.

When she does contact me again, and we reenter the honeymoon phase, how do i bring it up that i think she needs to see someone about her extreme highs, and very low lows...Sometimes she takes criticism as a personal attack... Anyone have any experience in this regard?Sorry about the length.
Author:  mikemight [ Wed Mar 06, 2013 4:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Quote:
Volter, you are relying too much on her words... Words are very cheap :)
I dont doubt that when she told you that she wants to marry you, that she really belived in it. But after 2 years of relationship you had to notice that woman simply doesnt have consistent mood...

When she told that she loves you, I m sure she did love you... But simply because her hormones and emotions were in right balance... And that balance never last too long.

Even woman admit that they often doesnt know what they want. So never take their word for granted, and it will save you from lot of pain because you will be expecting sudden twists in relationship...

And never allow to be manipulated with so shallow suicide threats. People who are ready to jump off the building simply jump... People that threatens that they will jump only seeking attention and trying to get what they want with blackmail, but never even think about actually jumping for real... :)
Most of the time when women are expressing their love in words, their Endorphins feel good level has dropped precipitously and she doesn't know why. I mean unless you're a scientist in biochemistry, you would tell the man like, keep my endorphins flowing man! While the words may sound manipulative in nature, a person may need an abnormally higher dosage of endorphins to equate feeling good compared to a person who does not. These people are known to have what is called O.C.D (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).
For example, a normal person washing his or her hands stop until it's clean when the endorphins are released to signal that. But another person who has O.C.D will keep washing and washing their hands until the endorphins kick in to stop. To a normal person, this person looks weird, but that's only because that person does not understand he has O.C.D.

Like the OP mentioned that she likes affection so much that she is suffocating him that he had to next her. Same thing. But what he does not understand is that, women too has obsessive compulsive disorder in the sex department. She needs an abnormally high amount of stimuli to make her content with the relationship than say a normal woman. In order to get this stimuli, she has to convince the man she's with she wants him, loves him etc.. I've been with women like that and one advantage is that, they never complain about having lots of sex and affection. It's suffocating to me at first, but at least it's better than some of my married friends who only get sex once or twice a month or none at all!! How happy can you be? They pretend to be, but you know the looks!

You guys are just over thinking this too much! She may be manipulating you to give her more pleasure, but you felt used and suffocating. That's your choice. :lol:
Author:  mikemight [ Wed Mar 06, 2013 5:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Quote:
Quote:
It's fascinating how people become human brain experts when they start rationalizing other people's problems when in fact, it is "YOUR" problem of your own undoing!... The reason why the OP is so successful in the first year is because, his interest level in her is lower than her to him... A woman's sole job, when she likes you, is to raise YOUR interest in her so she can OWN YOU.
Lol! Looks like you are the human brain expert here. You don't seem to understand that this is a relationship and she's definitely manipulative.
Quote:
Why is this and why soft next did not work? It's because you've showed to her that you are willing to be there with her for 3 months.
I doubt you have ever experienced a mentally healthy girl...
Tho I understand where you are coming from, what you describe are the traits of a mentally unhealthy chick.


Volter, I think as well she has mental issues or at least is very unstable. " She contacts me crying, says she wants to jump off a building" after 2 weeks SHE first broke up with YOU??
In the medical community, especially mental health, they only define a healthy person as "clinically sane". Yes, I've dated mentally healthy females myself. Btw, these women called me a pervert because I wanted more sex. Their definition of sex is that it's only for reward and reproduction. My definition of sex is for relationship maintenance and having babies. Now who's sane or who's insane? Most of these women called me a "player" and I'm insane. Oh well.

There is a saying that men usually like to date women like their mom, and if their mom gave him all the love and affection, then they would expect the same from their girl. My mom never did give the love and affection like big warm hugs and kisses and being together like a normal mom would (she was cold and indifferent) unless I excel based on her expectation. And when I dated women who are more affectionate and close, I felt suffocating and wanted to back off often, because I was looking for a woman like my mom and only expect reward based on what I did.. I realized that it wasn't my overly obsessive GF that was the problem, it was me and that I had to work on that. But these obsessive disorder women FUNCTION the same as a normal woman when it comes to being an AFC; just that you'll last a lot longer making the mistakes because of her overly abundant affection and sex! They will pull back and become distant as soon as you become too available.

I have a suspicion that this girl likes sex and a lot of affection and love. These women can be more suffocating and manipulative than a normal mentally healthy girl because they need more stimuli to attain the same amount of endorphin as a normal woman. If you find this repulsive, then don't date these women. But to name call them as mentally disable crazy women basically label you as nothing more than a person who judges others and who thinks he knows everything.

Currently in a long long term relationship with this woman of you said is a Yo-Yo. Most of married men I knew envy my catch. I get sex and lots of it and kisses and hugs and love. You'll get used to the suffocating mess fast, until she starts distancing me first and I gradually soft next her. You have to be delicate, but they bounce back in harder and more horny afterwards!

Cheers. :lol:
Author:  cmd [ Thu Mar 07, 2013 11:46 am ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Quote:
I have a suspicion that this girl likes sex and a lot of affection and love. These women can be more suffocating and manipulative than a normal mentally healthy girl because they need more stimuli to attain the same amount of endorphin as a normal woman. If you find this repulsive, then don't date these women. But to name call them as mentally disable crazy women basically label you as nothing more than a person who judges others and who thinks he knows everything.

Currently in a long long term relationship with this woman of you said is a Yo-Yo.
Very true. Wouldn't call her "disable crazy" (nor did anyone else in this thread), but def unstable and manipulative. Especially when you consider the suicide call. If you like such women that's all good. Each to their own..

I'm not impressed with your attitude tho, your advice is good. As good as the advice of the guys you sarcastically called "human brain experts".
Show some respect :wink:
Author:  Volter130 [ Thu Mar 07, 2013 2:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: LTR gone sour for the second time, she lost interest
Anybody have any ideas about her porn habits and then loss of sexual interest?
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