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Looking for advice to turn marriage around
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Author:  consiluir [ Wed Nov 21, 2012 1:33 am ]
Post subject:  Looking for advice to turn marriage around
About ten years ago I started reading and practicing PUA material, and got pretty good at it. That's how, after a couple of years, I met and later married my wife.

We now have a bunch of kids. I have a very stressful job, and she's got her hands full between the kids and studying. At some point I checked out to cope with all the stress -- stopped paying attention, maintaining alpha status, just using work as an excuse to ignore all parts of my life as both a husband and a father.

This has amounted to a great deal of stress on her dealing with the kids and her own studies at the same time. On top of that, my lack of interaction -- and failure to make it meaningful and project myself as the strong man she first met since I started just auto-piloting through life -- means that she has little to no feelings in that department.

I know it's hard to come back from something like this and reposition yourself in her mind. I have the benefit of time -- about another 6 months -- before there's a possibility of any separation, so hopefully the sooner I can become interesting, confident and funny again, the better chance I have of bringing back and reinforcing those feelings we used to have.

I know it's common on this board to recommend a clean break, but we have kids, a whole life built around them and based on being married, etc, and I'm not willing to just walk away. SPAM, I'm only interested in advice as far as turning the situation around. I am willing to make the clean break if it comes to it, but I'd much rather make the most of the next six months to see if we can get into a better place. I do feel that there is still hope for the relationship.

I am reading all the old favorites again, but much of it is focused on setting yourself up from the approach. It doesn't help turn around after a bad period. If anyone knows of good resources on this topic or has any advice -- I know I'm probably looking in the wrong place for those experienced with long-term relationships, but the usual crap is all about kissing her ass to get her to stay which is clearly bullshit, so ironically I've come to you guys -- I would love to hear it.
Author:  cmd [ Wed Nov 21, 2012 11:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
I totally understand your reasons to try to make it work, especially if there's children involved... and I like how you are taking responsibility for the way your relationship has become.

Here's what I would do: Start fresh from the very beginning, start dating her again. Is it possible to get a babysitter to look after the kids? Take her out on a "spontaneous" date, plan something which she likes doing (did she like music/concerts, dancing, anything?).. Try to remember what made her happy in the past and why she fell in love with you. Be surprising! Be funny and be cool especially if there is negative feedback from her in the beginning... It might take her a while to adjust.

Start thinking of things to do immediately, but take your time and don't rush. There is definitely some PUA stuff you should apply to your relationship like leading or teasing her.
Anything that would make both of your lives more varied/exciting. Even stuff like going to the zoo with the kids. If you both don't have much time, it doesn't have to be something huge and time consuming, just arrange for someone to look after the kids one night and grab her, lead her out of the house and into a nice restaurant (check her timetable ahead of that ;). You don't even have to tell her what you are up to.. Or just let her know to be ready at a certain time one night and in case she doesn't want to, don't be upset. Just be persistent! As you said, you have 6 months at least to turn things around and it might take a while until she warms up..

Sex is always good, just grab her at the right moment and "throw" her around a bit. Lead her.
But AGAIN don't be upset if her reactions are not as expected in the beginning. NEVER apologize for trying to bring more life into your relationship/family. If she doesn't jump straight away leave it and try again another day. I wish you all the best, take it easy and post updates!!
Author:  puaninja [ Wed Nov 21, 2012 5:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
I'm a pick up artist, but I'll go ahead and put on the marriage counseler hat for this one.

I think marriage is no different than any long term relationship. The fact that it's legally binding and kids are involved just makes it more severe. That being said, we have to ask ourselves "Why do most long term relationships fall apart?" Well, there are a lot of reasons and some of them vary from couple to couple. But I think the main reason is complacency. When you become complacent in life you no longer put forth effort, and that leads to taking things for granted (or as another poster once wrote "for granite" lolz).

You have to show that you are still driven, that you still care about yourself and her. Getting into pua stuff, you need to demonstrate value, and you need to show her that you are desired by other women so that it makes her jealous (which then stirs up feelings inside her which make her want you more). Start working out or something and then tell her all these girls at the gym keep flirting with you. Bottom line, change something. Mixed it up. But only change things in a positive way of course.
Author:  vhou812 [ Wed Nov 21, 2012 5:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
I'm not really a PUA. I just consider a lot of the principles to be true in life in general.

I won't go into a bunch of other shit because your post sounds like you've evaluated the situation, and decided you want your wife and not your freedom or another woman or women.

So if you want her, you have to become again what you used to be. You acknowledge that you became something else. It's a common thing, happens all the time. You need to decide who you are, and you'll be happiest being that. No woman I've ever met was able to resist and didn't feel attracted to a man who knows who he is, what he wants, and devotes himself to those things. If you want your life, and your kids, and your wife, act that way. She'll recognize it and she won't go anywhere. If you understand what I'm telling you, then you understand that because you want your wife and your family, you won't be complacent. You'll make arrangements for intimate time alone for you and her of your own accord. You'll take vacation from work and tell the whole family your going to 6 Flags or camping or something else for fun all on your own. You'll do the things you love to do, and offer to include her in those things if she so chooses on your own.

If this IS what you want, my first step would be to tell her you recognize that you changed, and that you don't like what you've become either. And because of that, you're just choosing not to be that guy anymore. And tell her you welcome her help in recognizing if you ever start sliding that way again.

Good luck.
Author:  consiluir [ Thu Nov 22, 2012 12:15 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
Thanks guys. There's some really great advice in here. I'll definitely post updates as I go along.

From what I gather I may need to clarify based on Hobbit's response. Becoming funny again isn't at the heart of the issue -- I have become a more serious guy since burying myself in work, but I can work on that, throw stuff at the wall and refine until it starts to stick. I do need to bring some of that carefree spirit back to the relationship. Having some progress there already.

You mentioned the most serious issue, abandonment, and I'm having progress as well just being more involved in general -- getting the kids ready to school and taking them there, throwing everyone in the pool when they get back, helping around the house, taking time out to spend with my wife once they are in bed. Giving her space and encouraging her social life and watching the kids while she does things with friends too. These are all things I'm a week into doing (and hopefully she will keep me accountable if I begin to slip without noticing, as vhou812 mentions, but I intend to keep my own eye on that).

I guess I came here because I needed some guidance on making things exciting for her again -- I feel that's a big part of what she needs to feel in addition to my involvement in family life, and wasn't sure about the best approach to take her perception of me from stale and uninvolved to both a family man and an exciting husband. Thanks to the advice here, though, I have a much better idea of how to handle things.

I told her to be ready at 7pm on Saturday for dinner at a restaurant we like. I don't feel like that was a big mistake but I think I could've done better - next time, I'll give her a time and make her wait to find out what we're doing, and we'll go somewhere we've never been before.

Fun family stuff out of the house is a great idea too. Lucky to live in area with heaps of exciting stuff to do with the kids. Feeling a lot more optimistic - and hence more confident - already. Thanks again guys!
Author:  skills360 [ Thu Nov 22, 2012 12:21 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
Quote:
Thanks guys. There's some really great advice in here. I'll definitely post updates as I go along.

From what I gather I may need to clarify based on Hobbit's response. Becoming funny again isn't at the heart of the issue -- I have become a more serious guy since burying myself in work, but I can work on that, throw stuff at the wall and refine until it starts to stick. I do need to bring some of that carefree spirit back to the relationship. Having some progress there already.

You mentioned the most serious issue, abandonment, and I'm having progress as well just being more involved in general -- getting the kids ready to school and taking them there, throwing everyone in the pool when they get back, helping around the house, taking time out to spend with my wife once they are in bed. Giving her space and encouraging her social life and watching the kids while she does things with friends too. These are all things I'm a week into doing (and hopefully she will keep me accountable if I begin to slip without noticing, as vhou812 mentions, but I intend to keep my own eye on that).

I guess I came here because I needed some guidance on making things exciting for her again -- I feel that's a big part of what she needs to feel in addition to my involvement in family life, and wasn't sure about the best approach to take her perception of me from stale and uninvolved to both a family man and an exciting husband. Thanks to the advice here, though, I have a much better idea of how to handle things.

I told her to be ready at 7pm on Saturday for dinner at a restaurant we like. I don't feel like that was a big mistake but I think I could've done better - next time, I'll give her a time and make her wait to find out what we're doing, and we'll go somewhere we've never been before.

Fun family stuff out of the house is a great idea too. Lucky to live in area with heaps of exciting stuff to do with the kids. Feeling a lot more optimistic - and hence more confident - already. Thanks again guys!

What help a lot in my relationships is the "Anthony Robbins relationship series" You can get it in amazon is really good, and you can do it with your current wife... Second to that i will recommend the book the way to the superior man and no more mr. nice guy(i would read this one first)... Pm me for more suggestions...
Author:  gtdave [ Thu Nov 22, 2012 1:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
I side with hobbits last statement!

It will do you no harm at all by sitting her down over a nice meal and explaining to her what you told us and that your going to change! She needs and deserves to hear these things!!
Author:  consiluir [ Thu Nov 22, 2012 9:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
Sure did! We sat down and had a talk earlier in the week and I told her that I recognized I'd dropped the ball and was going to pick it up and put my top effort into my family and marriage. There was a muted response, which I expect because she has no reason to believe I'll follow through, but as I've proven myself (with a long, long way to go, of course) over the following days things have been warming up. Very slowly, but surely.
Author:  skills360 [ Thu Nov 22, 2012 11:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
Quote:
Sure did! We sat down and had a talk earlier in the week and I told her that I recognized I'd dropped the ball and was going to pick it up and put my top effort into my family and marriage. There was a muted response, which I expect because she has no reason to believe I'll follow through, but as I've proven myself (with a long, long way to go, of course) over the following days things have been warming up. Very slowly, but surely.


Dude, you want to save your marriage, take shit serious, coming to a forum won't help(specially listening to people that have not been there were you are, i have), a good start is the tony Robbins stuff i recommended, on some type of good professional counseling, but i really like the "relationship series" because it will involve you both...Here is a lit of a sample:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3a0F3lI ... re=related
Author:  consiluir [ Fri Nov 23, 2012 12:49 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
Quote:
Are you good at doing sweet, romantic, sentimental type things?
Yes - out of practice, but I used to be pretty great at that!
Author:  consiluir [ Fri Nov 23, 2012 12:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
Quote:
Dude, you want to save your marriage, take shit serious, coming to a forum won't help(specially listening to people that have not been there were you are, i have), a good start is the tony Robbins stuff i recommended, on some type of good professional counseling, but i really like the "relationship series" because it will involve you both...Here is a lit of a sample:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3a0F3lI ... re=related
Hey skills - I should have mentioned, but I did check out the material you recommended and have got my hands on it. The advice here in general has been useful though as I need to make her receptive first before she'll be willing to delve deeper into the heavy work, and I think it's coming along. I'm familiarising myself with the material in the mean time. No doubt there is a lot of real relationship work to do on top of (and more importantly than) the other things I've been talking about.
Author:  vhou812 [ Fri Nov 23, 2012 5:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
Quote:
Consiluir, pretty sure you already know what you need to do. Make her feel appreciated, cared for, and all those other things you neglected. But the person who knows what you need to do isn't Tony Robbins, but rather your wife and yourself. I'm sure she is more than willing to tell you what you've been screwing up lol
Yeah, wives have a great knack for that. :)

Also, I gotta say I'm offended by the idea that any of the advice given here to the OP is bad, or of any more or less value than anyone else's. It's likely that there is no silver bullet, but to trash advice here is not something I aspire to. The OP can and should digest all the feedback given, and apply what he thinks will serve his motives the best. If that means taking my advice over someone else's, or ignoring mine and taking someone else's matters none to me. He asked for our thoughts, we all gave it. The rest is up to him. But bashing others in the forum is just pointless when none of the advice given here would directly result in his wife filing for divorce. I think everything said here is respectable. Hopefully what he takes and uses works and all turns out well.

Would be great to hear updates, just in case we are in this situation.
Author:  skills360 [ Fri Nov 23, 2012 5:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
Cool dude! one more thing about women they fall in love, and fuck up, they call your attention, then you keep fucking up, they call your attention and look the other way... Now here is my point, it comes a time, when that strong love and forgiveness reach a breaking point... And not matter what you do and how hard you try you are pretty much fucked. I hope you have not gotten to that breaking point... Cause if you did reach that breaking point, will be almost impossible to come back...
Author:  consiluir [ Sat Nov 24, 2012 1:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Looking for advice to turn marriage around
Quote:
Consiluir, pretty sure you already know what you need to do. Make her feel appreciated, cared for, and all those other things you neglected. But the person who knows what you need to do isn't Tony Robbins, but rather your wife and yourself. I'm sure she is more than willing to tell you what you've been screwing up lol
Yep, feeling pretty confident now, and walking the walk. Thanks again guys.

Waking up for random 4am sex this morning was a good sign. Doesn't mean everything's fixed of course, but that's a big improvement from where we were as far as attraction and sex goes.
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