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I found out my current gf cheated on her ex
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Author:  yellowcab [ Mon May 21, 2012 4:31 pm ]
Post subject:  I found out my current gf cheated on her ex

Hey,

My current gf, who is MADLY in love wih me and vica versa ( now 7 months toghetor ) used to tell me her whole sexual history,

From her first kiss to first BJ to first sex and all her crazy sexual experiences ( ALLOT OF THEM)
She was a real blowjob queen.

However she told me that her ex cheated on her & that she then slept with someone out of revenge. She said it was just the once. WHen I asked her if she had ever cheated on someone besides that she answered: No, I would never.

However, I found out her ex didn't cheat on her AT ALL. She was the one cheating on him, for like 8 months with the same guy & some guys on vacation!!

I'm really stunned...
How can a girl i thought was so sweet and innocent cheat on someone for so long and not even tell him.

I have to say she never had a relationship like this one, with me meeting her parents and comming to her house and other way around. She's also fairly young so it might just have been crazy puberty.

BUt what should I make of this? I really want to know what really happened. First I had a tough time accepting she had fucked and sucked many guys, and I was finally really totally cool with it.

But now I find this...

What to make of this? I'm super in love with her and we're in a serious commited relationship. I find it hard to trust her now knowing she lied in my face.

I do understand a girl wouldn't be really smart to tell a guy she's madly in love with she used to cheat on her ex. But hmm, any advice?
Should I confront her with it?

I really need to know what she is and what her values are right now. We have a 5 month LDR comming up, i must be sure she's worth it.


Kind regards,

Yellow cab.

Author:  Crypto [ Mon May 21, 2012 4:49 pm ]
Post subject: 

Peaople are capable of change, however most are unable...

My Father who was a very smart man IMHO said many things to me while I was a teenager:

"Once a cheater, always a cheater"!
"Never date a girl with big hands, it makes your dick look smaller"!
"Never bring the competition along, she may like them more"!

You get the picture, and should look at the first quote! The problem is that these days sex is so easy and there is no taboo so I think that cheating and messing around will become more and more likely. I have successfully dated many girls who were cheaters at some point in their lives...If you like her and she likes you then it is a risk you will have to decide to take or not...Good luck!

Crypto...

Author:  TheSeagull [ Mon May 21, 2012 10:08 pm ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
"Once a cheater, always a cheater"!
My respects to your father, but I beg to disagree on this. I have cheated a few times. But not in EVERY relationship. And I have also rejected a few occasions to cheat when I was happy with my partner. Cheating is my response to an unsatisfactorily relationship that I am not ready to jump out of. Not a constant behavioral pattern.

Just my two cents.

Author:  TheSeagull [ Tue May 22, 2012 12:09 am ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
Quote:
unsatisfactorily relationship
No relationship is happy all the time. The only people who think this are those whose longest relationship was 5 months.
true. I make a difference between a relationship that works well but is going through hardships and one that is just dragging without anything but drama. I have only cheated in the latter. My fault for not being more detailed :!:

Author:  yellowcab [ Tue May 22, 2012 12:47 am ]
Post subject: 

So any advice?... Talk to her about it?

kind regards,
YC

Author:  Snarg [ Tue May 22, 2012 8:40 pm ]
Post subject: 

There's not much you can do. Talking to her won't really solve anything other than to give you an artificial sense of security. I'm not saying she'd lie to make you feel better, but it's not like she'll tell you she's going to cheat on you during this time, you know? You need to decide if you really can trust her, and no one here can make that decision except for you.

Personally, I agree with the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". The guy a few posts above me who disagreed, ended up actually fortifying the fact that cheaters always come back for more. But, similarly, I recognize my own inability to just let go of someone like that, so if I were in your position I'd probably just try to swallow it and see what happens. It's true that she might not cheat on you, and all things considered she probably won't, but the fact that she's done it before increases the likelihood she'll do it again.

Shitty analogy time: let's say you really fucking love chocolate. You can't get enough. You're addicted. Would you be this addicted if you had never tasted it before? Would you even feel tempted to try it?

Sorry, I know I'm giving you contradictory advice, but hopefully you can get some insight from it.

Author:  JSmooth [ Tue May 22, 2012 8:50 pm ]
Post subject: 

There has been some really good advice and opinions given here. I agree the bottom line is YOU are going to have to decide if she is trustworthy or not. But here are some things to consider...just facts.

1. You know she has been promiscious, and she even told you about it. Which means she isn't exactly ashamed or super remorseful about it.

2. She has cheated on her past boyfriends which I'm sure loved her too.

3. She has lied directly to your face about things.

If you want to be in a long term committed relationship where things could develop in to marriage and who knows one day kids...is this the type of person you want your children raised by? Is this the type of woman that you were honestly "dreaming of" when you thought about the type of girl you wanted. What would your parents say if they knew what you knew about her? What would your closest friends say...what advice would they give you?

I have some jaded views and I'll say that honestly here cause I was in a marriage where I was cheated on. My buddy right now has a one year old son, and fighting for custody from his ex who cheated on him who had a promiscious past too. I'm not saying people can't change, but it usually takes something EXTREME to happen in their lives to change...NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE, FINDING GOD, something huge. People tend to fall back in their old habits naturally over a period of time.

Either break it off or proceed very cautiously and very slowly into the relationship. Don't get too over committed too fast. Be with her a few more years before you commit to marriage, children, or anything like that. That should be long enough for her to fall back into old habits if its going to happen.

I'll pray for you,

Jon

Author:  870 [ Tue May 22, 2012 9:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I found out my current gf cheated on her ex

Quote:
However, I found out her ex didn't cheat on her AT ALL. She was the one cheating on him, for like 8 months with the same guy & some guys on vacation!!
How did you "find out" this little piece of information? Are you sure it's true, or are you predisposed to believe it even if the source or evidence is inconclusive because you are naturally geared toward passing sexual judgment on your girlfriend's dating history?

These are questions you need to ask before you do anything.

And, for future reference, nothing good ever comes from learning every single agonizing detail about a girl's past sexual proclivities. All it will do is upset you, make you more insecure than you are in the first place and debase the level of trust in your relationship ... which, not coincidentally, seems to be exactly what's happened here.

Your boy,
870

Author:  yellowcab [ Tue May 22, 2012 9:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I found out my current gf cheated on her ex

Quote:
Quote:
However, I found out her ex didn't cheat on her AT ALL. She was the one cheating on him, for like 8 months with the same guy & some guys on vacation!!
How did you "find out" this little piece of information? Are you sure it's true, or are you predisposed to believe it even if the source or evidence is inconclusive because you are naturally geared toward passing sexual judgment on your girlfriend's dating history?

These are questions you need to ask before you do anything.

And, for future reference, nothing good ever comes from learning every single agonizing detail about a girl's past sexual proclivities. All it will do is upset you, make you more insecure than you are in the first place and debase the level of trust in your relationship ... which, not coincidentally, seems to be exactly what's happened here.

Your boy,
870
Chat history, a WHOLE huge ass conversation with the guy she was cheating with. Talking about how they could meet up to have sex so no-one would see them.

She had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend. So they were both cheating on their partners.

Also maby important to know, she was rather young when this all happened
( 17-18 ) and also, people say she has changed much in the past year.

I'm also the only guy that she had something really serious with. Like spending allot of time at her house and vica versa, talking to the parents, even doing choirs with her dad and cooking with her mom.

WHat I would like to know is how serious this relationship really was & wether he DID or didn't cheat on her. I feel like I need to talk to her to clarify some of the things of her past or I'll be constantly wondering.

Any thoughts? :) thx

Author:  JSmooth [ Tue May 22, 2012 9:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I found out my current gf cheated on her ex

First of all, I want to say 870 brings up an excellent point. The past should stay in the past for a reason. It doesn't do any good to find out about this type of stuff.
Quote:
Also maybe important to know, she was rather young when this all happened ( 17-18 ) and also, people say she has changed much in the past year.
It has only been a year since then so she's 19...Does anyone else hear sirens, or alarms going off in their heads? At that age we all change a lot from year to year but trust be its too soon for her to have completely "changed" in that regard.
Quote:
I'm also the only guy that she had something really serious with. Like spending allot of time at her house and vica versa, talking to the parents, even doing choirs with her dad and cooking with her mom.
Your actions don't change who she is at her core or her habits. Just because you have been a great partner to her doesn't necessarily mean that it is going to matter when it comes to her potentially cheating on you later down the road.

It's nice to make believe that it makes a difference but the truth is it doesn't. You have to do those things because you don't expect anything in return out of her, her parents, or anything else. You do those things cause you genuinely love her and expect nothing in return. Unfortunately, sometimes that is all we get in return...nothing.

Best of luck

Author:  tareaxtragedy [ Tue May 22, 2012 10:43 pm ]
Post subject: 

I'm not saying its alright to cheat, but I'm not saying it's wrong either. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I can understand why it could happen. There could be a plethora of reasons, you don't understand the situation completely. The only people who do are her and her ex-boyfriend. I hate to get all "chick" here but what's the difference of dating a girl who cheated in the past and a guy whose cheated in the past? I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Sure she didn't tell you that she cheated but who does? You're aware of it because it sounds like you were "snooping" through her stuff. If you already don't trust her then there's a problem in the foundation of your relationship already. You aware of it now though, so it's something to keep an eye on I suppose. Look for shady behavior and what not but never accuse unless you know for sure. If you're happy with this person, who cares what she's done in her past? You're not the ex boyfriend, she's not that same girlfriend because she's with YOU, not him.

Author:  Hakuna [ Wed May 23, 2012 4:06 am ]
Post subject: 

As a general rule, when dealing with women of dubious history, it is always better to leave the relationship to pursue something new. The reason is simple; Math. People often forget that game is more about minimizing your losses than maximizing your victories. Imagine 20 out of 100 women are a good fit for you. You think your girlfriend is one of the 20, but find out she has had a bad history. You have two options from here on in.

If you dump her and you were wrong, she WAS a good girl: it doesn’t matter, there are another 19 girls you can pursue.

You stay with her and you were wrong: 2 year LTR? 2 years of wasted time and opportunities.

Imagine this on a bigger magnitude, marriage. You dump a GOOD girl – it’s ok, more will come. You stay with the WRONG girl – a lifetime of regret. Some people criticize the Venusian arts for being all about “next, next, next.” This is why its justified. Compare the repercussions of not saying next soon enough versus saying next too quickly. It is an irreconcilable difference for men capable of acquiring other women.

Back to your scenario, you can’t confront her about it nor should you. It will do no good but build resentment and sub-communicate your insecurity. There is no chance that you will alter her nature, it is impossible. At most, you will create a temporal fix. Every justification for this, “she was young,” or “I heard she changed this past year,” is post-hoc rationalization, because let’s face it, you want to stay with this girl.

Now the good news is, women are hypergamous, not polygamous. They want the best, and when they have the best, they will not go for something less. Assuming she IS in love with you, and is fully cognizant that you are willing to walk out on her if she DOES pull the same shit with you, she will not cheat on you. Apply the same logic to her past relationship. Cheating may not be able to be justified morally, but it CAN be rationalized logically. If she was minimally attracted to her beta ex and knew he was gonna stick around even if she cheated on him by riding the Alpha carousel - well, what else can you expect? Women, and all humans, are 99% animal and 1% human. Understand the animal, and you understand the human

The bad news is, women are hypergamous, not monogamous. All women are acutely aware of the social fluctuations around them. If she becomes more attracted to another guy, she will dump you and/or cheat on you. It’s simply a matter of fact. A lot of guys are in fact, stunned by this. They can’t understand how a wife could cheat on her husband after 3 years or how a girlfriend could cheat on a faithful hubby. The answer is – hypergamy doesn't give a shit. Men, with our logical minds, tend to see it as a matter of equity. How could you cheat on someone when you’ve INVESTED so much in them? But for a girl, it comes down to attraction and nothing more. And attraction is a volatile emotion.

All this being said, you must remember that the risk of “cheating” is apparent in every relationship. No girlfriend is every 100% faithful to her boyfriend in the sense that every girl is susceptible to being attracted to another guy, just as every guy can be seduced by another girl. It would be naive to think otherwise. Your job is not to seek security – that is an illusory ambition. The more you try for it, the more you act on your jealousy, the more insecure you get, the more your girlfriend is likely to cheat on you. Your job is only to screen out women you think are LIKELY to cheat and pick out women who tend to behave less promiscuously. After that, it’s just a matter of ATTRACTION. No amount of “confronting” a girl or being protective will keep her from cheating. A girl has 1 egg. She will cheat on you if she thinks a different guys sperm is more valuable. The only other major factor that keeps a girl from cheating on her hubby is rapport. A girl will not leave her boyfriend of 6 months who is an Alpha in his own right for a one-night fling with a Rockstar for the sake of her hypergamous drive; just as most husbands wouldn't cheat on their wives for a quick fix with a 6 for the sake of their polygamous drives.

And you might be wondering “how about girls that cheat for other reasons besides attraction? Nymphomaniacs, or out of revenge?” That’s where screening comes in. You assess a girl as best as you can for loyalty and a tolerable level of insanity before considering her as LTR material. After that, it’s all in the marbles.

Author:  Feyenoord [ Fri May 25, 2012 10:25 pm ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
As a general rule, when dealing with women of dubious history, it is always better to leave the relationship to pursue something new. The reason is simple; Math. People often forget that game is more about minimizing your losses than maximizing your victories. Imagine 20 out of 100 women are a good fit for you. You think your girlfriend is one of the 20, but find out she has had a bad history. You have two options from here on in.

If you dump her and you were wrong, she WAS a good girl: it doesn’t matter, there are another 19 girls you can pursue.

You stay with her and you were wrong: 2 year LTR? 2 years of wasted time and opportunities.

Imagine this on a bigger magnitude, marriage. You dump a GOOD girl – it’s ok, more will come. You stay with the WRONG girl – a lifetime of regret. Some people criticize the Venusian arts for being all about “next, next, next.” This is why its justified. Compare the repercussions of not saying next soon enough versus saying next too quickly. It is an irreconcilable difference for men capable of acquiring other women.

Back to your scenario, you can’t confront her about it nor should you. It will do no good but build resentment and sub-communicate your insecurity. There is no chance that you will alter her nature, it is impossible. At most, you will create a temporal fix. Every justification for this, “she was young,” or “I heard she changed this past year,” is post-hoc rationalization, because let’s face it, you want to stay with this girl.

Now the good news is, women are hypergamous, not polygamous. They want the best, and when they have the best, they will not go for something less. Assuming she IS in love with you, and is fully cognizant that you are willing to walk out on her if she DOES pull the same shit with you, she will not cheat on you. Apply the same logic to her past relationship. Cheating may not be able to be justified morally, but it CAN be rationalized logically. If she was minimally attracted to her beta ex and knew he was gonna stick around even if she cheated on him by riding the Alpha carousel - well, what else can you expect? Women, and all humans, are 99% animal and 1% human. Understand the animal, and you understand the human

The bad news is, women are hypergamous, not monogamous. All women are acutely aware of the social fluctuations around them. If she becomes more attracted to another guy, she will dump you and/or cheat on you. It’s simply a matter of fact. A lot of guys are in fact, stunned by this. They can’t understand how a wife could cheat on her husband after 3 years or how a girlfriend could cheat on a faithful hubby. The answer is – hypergamy doesn't give a shit. Men, with our logical minds, tend to see it as a matter of equity. How could you cheat on someone when you’ve INVESTED so much in them? But for a girl, it comes down to attraction and nothing more. And attraction is a volatile emotion.

All this being said, you must remember that the risk of “cheating” is apparent in every relationship. No girlfriend is every 100% faithful to her boyfriend in the sense that every girl is susceptible to being attracted to another guy, just as every guy can be seduced by another girl. It would be naive to think otherwise. Your job is not to seek security – that is an illusory ambition. The more you try for it, the more you act on your jealousy, the more insecure you get, the more your girlfriend is likely to cheat on you. Your job is only to screen out women you think are LIKELY to cheat and pick out women who tend to behave less promiscuously. After that, it’s just a matter of ATTRACTION. No amount of “confronting” a girl or being protective will keep her from cheating. A girl has 1 egg. She will cheat on you if she thinks a different guys sperm is more valuable. The only other major factor that keeps a girl from cheating on her hubby is rapport. A girl will not leave her boyfriend of 6 months who is an Alpha in his own right for a one-night fling with a Rockstar for the sake of her hypergamous drive; just as most husbands wouldn't cheat on their wives for a quick fix with a 6 for the sake of their polygamous drives.

And you might be wondering “how about girls that cheat for other reasons besides attraction? Nymphomaniacs, or out of revenge?” That’s where screening comes in. You assess a girl as best as you can for loyalty and a tolerable level of insanity before considering her as LTR material. After that, it’s all in the marbles.
Don't know if im re-hashing something here, so apologies, but this quotation, this post is genuinely textbook stuff. This is exactly what i figured out in my first long relationship without ordering my thoughts as succinctly. This is everything you need to know. My girl was promiscuous, mad in bed, cheated on previous bf. But i was dominant as hell and she was the most faithful girl in the world, wouldnt go out unless I was okay with it etc etc, really encouraging me to make all her decisions for her.

Thats why this post is so brilliant because its saying to pretty much any one who is worried about their partner cheating that your worries are futile, but actually that you have a very ACTIVE role in whether or not you are cheated on. Its not 100% but if youre dominant with the girl youre with, and screen out the crazy ones, youve in a very very strong position. This is the advantage we have over girls, who are just slaves to their emotions and will stay with a man who shows poor commitment, due to our LOGICAL minds, which quite often form the downfall for beta and clueless men, we can dramatically minimise the chance of being cheated on.

Brilliant post for a number of reasons.

Author:  Feyenoord [ Sat May 26, 2012 7:50 am ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
Quote:
This is the advantage we have over girls, who are just slaves to their emotions and will stay with a man who shows poor commitment, due to our LOGICAL minds, which quite often form the downfall for beta and clueless men, we can dramatically minimise the chance of being cheated on.
Incorrect. You're just working under a illusory superiority. Both men and women make the same stupid mistakes for the same stupid reasons.
Its not 100% but if youre dominant with the girl youre with, and screen out the crazy ones, youve in a very very strong position

Elaborate... And I don't think my words are much the result of a complex given a fanciful name, but cheers for the link

Author:  musicandidol [ Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:31 pm ]
Post subject: 

Threat her right and be appropriate for her sexually and emotionally. You won't have to worry about her cheating.

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