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Damage limitation?
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Author:  gtdave [ Thu May 10, 2012 3:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Damage limitation?
Hi there;

Bit of a routine question here so I'll try to word it as concisely as possible.

FIRST GIRL

Broke up with my ex due to her cheating. We where in bed together and I woke up at 3am to her sending a text on her phone to a guy. Can't remember what it said exactly but it was about them kissing and it had loads of xxxxxx at the end. Long story short she denied it the next morning, cried, got defensive and said how could I accuse her of such stuff.

She claimed the guy was gay and wouldn't let me meet him. I trusted my gut, dumped her and the day after she was dating a guy who coincidentally had the same name as the gay guy....

Needless to say this fucked with my head a fair bit because I actually was a very trusting bf!

SECOND GIRL

Cheated on me again but she was a freak and I saw it coming. She was mainly a rebound for me but the cheating still hurt.

CURRENT GIRL

Been dating for 3 months. Never had a fight or an issue. Dates are always good fun and drama free.

Recently I've been over analysing everything that I do and that she does. I know it's bad but I feel my trust in girls has been broken as my trust previously has been misused by other girls. Now I've not let this spill over into the relationship.

Though last night I made a mistake...

I called around after work to drop off a few things plus to grab a quick kiss off her.

It was a good fun meeting but while we where talking in the kitchen a text popped up on her phone and she read it and started laughing. I took a quick glance and caught the word "kissing".

Well my mind suddenly shot to that night of waking up beside my ex and I freaked.

I didn't mention anything until I was at the door when I asked..."is everything alright between us?"

She seemed shocked at my question but remained calm and said "of course it is, why?"

Me realising my mistake said "oh no reason it's ok" gave her a kiss then left.

It dawned on me that without seeing the whole text that I had no right to jump to conclusions so I phoned her and explained why I asked!

I thought it was only fair considering my question would be bouncing around in her head! I explained what happened with my ex and how that made my mind suddenly think "ohh crap it's happened again". Though I also said that i quickly realised that I had been dumb asking is everything ok.

She was calm throughout and said she's glad I asked because it would of played on my mind if I hadn't.


Do you think I have done any majour damage and what might be the fix?
Author:  JSmooth [ Thu May 10, 2012 3:20 pm ]
Post subject: 
You didn't do any major damage at all. You did the right thing by telling her what was bothering you, and why you asked her if things were ok between you. In essence you have probably strengthen the relationship because she knows you will come to her to talk when something is bothering you. Good job! 8)

I've struggled with this stuff too as I had a cheating ex-wife, and it took me a while to be ready for a relationship again. Keep in mind that our minds like to connect dots that aren't really there, even though its convinced it is. Think of the character of the person and how she feels about you. Don't let your head get in the way of your heart.

Sounds like you got a great girl there. This weekend do something unexpectedly nice for her to show her how much you care about her. :wink:

Jon
Author:  gtdave [ Thu May 10, 2012 3:50 pm ]
Post subject: 
Man you've no idea how much I wanted to hear a response like that! I didn't think I had done the right thing at all! Sometimes by reading this forum you think the right thing is just to ignore problems "cuz only betaz give a shitz".

Before our first date I said to her "I need my faith in girls restored a bit" I never gave her a reason for saying that but I said last night "do you remember me saying that?" and I explained what had happened.

Yea she's seeing if she had Saturday and Sunday free so as we can have a long weekend together. I'll do something really nice for her.
Author:  JSmooth [ Thu May 10, 2012 5:00 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Man you've no idea how much I wanted to hear a response like that! I didn't think I had done the right thing at all! Sometimes by reading this forum you think the right thing is just to ignore problems "cuz only betaz give a shitz".

Before our first date I said to her "I need my faith in girls restored a bit" I never gave her a reason for saying that but I said last night "do you remember me saying that?" and I explained what had happened.

Yea she's seeing if she had Saturday and Sunday free so as we can have a long weekend together. I'll do something really nice for her.
There is a lot of great advice on the forum, and there is a lot of bad advice on the forum. I've given my fair share of both of the years. Up to a point all the stuff about being alpha, being the prize, and other things works very well. But if you keep it up too long it also can prevent you from getting into a good lasting relationship.

Glad I could help out man. Please let me know how things go. Talk to you Monday!

Jon
Author:  gtdave [ Fri May 11, 2012 2:41 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
Man you've no idea how much I wanted to hear a response like that! I didn't think I had done the right thing at all! Sometimes by reading this forum you think the right thing is just to ignore problems "cuz only betaz give a shitz".

Before our first date I said to her "I need my faith in girls restored a bit" I never gave her a reason for saying that but I said last night "do you remember me saying that?" and I explained what had happened.

Yea she's seeing if she had Saturday and Sunday free so as we can have a long weekend together. I'll do something really nice for her.
There is a lot of great advice on the forum, and there is a lot of bad advice on the forum. I've given my fair share of both of the years. Up to a point all the stuff about being alpha, being the prize, and other things works very well. But if you keep it up too long it also can prevent you from getting into a good lasting relationship.

Glad I could help out man. Please let me know how things go. Talk to you Monday!

Jon
Hi Jon,

Think I have fucked it up!

When I last talked to her on Wednesday (when it happened) we ended the conversation and she said she'd contact (text) me on Thursday.

Well it's Friday at 3.30pm and I still haven't heard from her. She was meant to let me know the details for satuday.

I didn't text her on Thursday at all as i was trying to look non needy though i texted her this morning with a cocky funny true story that happened me yesterday. Still no word from her :(

Should I try to ring her later or should I hold firm?

If she doesn't contact me tomorrow what should I do?

The reason I'm tempted to ring her later is because I was trying to organise a nice weekend for us like you mentioned but I don't want to make reservations if she's not going to show up! Plus if she flakes I'd like to have enough warning to set up alternative plans with other people so as I'm not stuck on my own dwelling on this shit!
Author:  JSmooth [ Fri May 11, 2012 3:10 pm ]
Post subject: 
First off, RELAX a little. There are tons of reasons why she hasn't talked to you yet. Take a deep breath and calm down until you have a reason to be upset. Thinking like this will sabotage you.

Now to answer your questions...Yes give her a ring later to see how she's doing and to figure out the plans for tomorrow.

If she doesn't call back or text back, and it becomes Saturday. Give her a call in the morning at a reasonable time when she'll be up and go from there. If you don't talk to her by then I'd start to worry a bit, but not until then.

If you want to make "tentative" plans with your friends for Saturday I don't blame you but I'd make her first priority if she messages back.
Author:  gtdave [ Fri May 11, 2012 3:51 pm ]
Post subject: 
Ok thanks for the advice!

You where 200% right! She just phoned me and said that she got ill last night and went to the doctors this morning and has a kidney infection. So she got some antibiotics.

She sounded keen and happy on the phone. I told her to take it easy this weekend and i asked if she wanted to just meet up next week. I was completely happy about that and was very positive. Mentioned that I'd plans I could quickly make with mates for a guys night out.

She said that she wants to play it by ear and see if her tummie is a bit better tomorrow and she would let me know tomorrow.

I said ok, let me know tomorrow and if not I'll go on a night out. I jokingly said get well soon as I need some action which made her laugh!
Author:  JSmooth [ Fri May 11, 2012 5:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Ok thanks for the advice!

You where 200% right! She just phoned me and said that she got ill last night and went to the doctors this morning and has a kidney infection. So she got some antibiotics.

She sounded keen and happy on the phone. I told her to take it easy this weekend and i asked if she wanted to just meet up next week. I was completely happy about that and was very positive. Mentioned that I'd plans I could quickly make with mates for a guys night out.

She said that she wants to play it by ear and see if her tummie is a bit better tomorrow and she would let me know tomorrow.

I said ok, let me know tomorrow and if not I'll go on a night out. I jokingly said get well soon as I need some action which made her laugh!
You may want to message her and ask her if there is anything you can bring her since she's sick. Whether she needs you to pick something up like medicine or bring her some chicken soup. Even if she doesn't take you up on the offer it's a nice gesture. ;)
Author:  gtdave [ Tue May 22, 2012 2:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
Ok thanks for the advice!

You where 200% right! She just phoned me and said that she got ill last night and went to the doctors this morning and has a kidney infection. So she got some antibiotics.

She sounded keen and happy on the phone. I told her to take it easy this weekend and i asked if she wanted to just meet up next week. I was completely happy about that and was very positive. Mentioned that I'd plans I could quickly make with mates for a guys night out.

She said that she wants to play it by ear and see if her tummie is a bit better tomorrow and she would let me know tomorrow.

I said ok, let me know tomorrow and if not I'll go on a night out. I jokingly said get well soon as I need some action which made her laugh!
You may want to message her and ask her if there is anything you can bring her since she's sick. Whether she needs you to pick something up like medicine or bring her some chicken soup. Even if she doesn't take you up on the offer it's a nice gesture. ;)
Ok so it's taken me a while to get my head together as what happened when we where meant to meet up came as a shock...

So on Saturday I was picking up my new car (an overfinch tuned v8 defender) and on friday she told me to send her a photo of it on sat morning.

Sent the pic...no reply

We where meant to set arangements on sat to meet in the evening so a couple of hours later I sent another text...no reply

At 7pm I phoned her...no answer

I left it a while

At 9pm I tried again...no answer

By now I was very pissed off but there was a party 1min away from her house that she knew I was going to so I called round to her house before. I thought maybe she's lost her phone...

She was in but never opened the door...I know she knew it was me

I went away and sent her a text basically asking "wtf is going on"...never got a response and never heard from her again.

Later on the next week I realised that I had a load of DVDs at her place plus she owed me quite a bit of cash so I phoned (no answer) and left a voice mail saying "I'll be down at some point this week to pick up my DVDs and the money you owe me. Let me know your preferred time and I'll pop down"....never got a response!

On Friday I pop down after work and actually arrived at the same time as her...the expression on her face was like a rabbit being caught in the headlights...so guilty! She went in and got my stuff immediately (by doing this she confirmed through her action that she had obviously got my text and voicemail).

Handed over the stuff and said she is in a hurry and can't talk. I said when do you want to talk and she said to call down at 8pm but to phone her first!

I phoned at 7.30pm...no response! Tried again at 9pm...no response!

Sent her a text saying that her actions where childish, rude and disrespectful and that I was gone.


So that's it...I went from sex, meeting the parents (and getting on great with them) and things progressing one week to a stone cold silence and no reason why the next week!

You'd think that after nearly 4 months I deserved an explanation about what on earth happened?! The silence has really killed me and it's taking a while to get over it. I just wish I had clousure...

Pretty sad right now to be honest but I went out on a date over the weekend and I've more planned with different girls! Even still...not knowing has really hurt my trust in girls as I thought this one was different and mature :(

Anyone else ever had such a sudden communication breakdown after such an investment?

What happened?
Author:  JSmooth [ Tue May 22, 2012 2:18 pm ]
Post subject: 
This is one of those things if she doesn't tell you all we can do is guess as to what happened. It could be anything from something happened in her personal life and she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She may have done something she's ashamed to tell you off like cheating on you. It really could be anything. Unless she tells you you won't know. Not having closure does suck and I've been in that situation a lot with women. There are some women out there that are just too chicken shit to tell you what really happened I guess.

Congrats on your new car btw! Just try to get past it. Don't obsess over her, what you could have done different, or anything like that. The more you do that the more "she won" type of thing. Just put her out of your head as best you can. Keep yourself busy, enjoy life, meet some new people, and good luck in your future endeavors!

Jon
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