PUA Forum :: How to talk with your girlfriend AFTER a soft next.

What wolfwood said.

It is of utmost importance that you DON'T try and explain, or even hint towards why you went no contact with her. If you do, you become a sulking beta. Game over. The girl thinks "what a baby, he wasn't talking to me because he was upset" or it might build resentment: "wtf? who does he think he is trying to teach me a lesson?" Anytime you try and OVERTLY communicate a reward/punishment system, it gets exploited by the girl. She interprets it as insecurity on your part because you CONSCIOUSLY went out of your way to do something.

Remember the goal of soft nexting: You want to SIMULTANEOUSLY communicate

(a) I am not okay with this
(b) It doesn't phase me

If you communicate to her that you soft-nexted her because you were pissed, you show her that she phased you. One way or another, she has won. Her shit test was aimed at breaking you, and that's exactly what it did. She wanted to elicit an emotional response from you - and she did.

I think the real confusion comes about because men are generally more focused on straight forward communication due to the way we think. If a girl goes no-contact on us, but acts like it's NOT because of something we did - we take that at face value. We need to be able to grasp things with our logical minds, but that's not how a girl thinks.

Women communicate covertly and their understanding of social dynamics is all intuitive. They subconsciously overanalyze every little thing. So when you go no-contact with a girl and your excuse is "My dog died," it doesn't matter. TRUST ME, she will still make the connection. Once you do this enough times, she directly associates whatever behavior you don't like with a lack of attention. You might think "maybe I should give a hint so she understands," but in reality, it's already spelled out clearly for her. Women are the EMOTIONAL gender, it doesn't matter even if you give a VERY GOOD EXCUSE for going no contact. All she knows is

I did this ==> He didn't talk to me ==> I feel bad

They DON'T think "Don't feel bad, he was busy, you could keep doing what you were doing." This would be what a GUY would think

Psych 101: Positive reinforcement > Negative reinforcement. So why is freezing out so important? It's not negative reinforcement, it's simply the ABSENCE of positive reinforcement. So why would directly communicating your reason for soft nexting her be so bad in terms of that inequality? Because then it's no longer simply a lack of positive reinforcement - it BECOMES negative reinforcement.

Author:	PUAzilla [ Sun Apr 29, 2012 10:20 am ]
Post subject:	How to talk with your girlfriend AFTER a soft next.
Hey guys. I'm just about to come out of a soft next. Lasted 2-3 days. I doesn't matter how we got into it. She has reinitiated contact, even though I was the one that froze her out. I haven't replied yet. Do I carry on like nothing happened? Thanks for the help. :)

Author:	SiNfUl [ Sun Apr 29, 2012 4:42 pm ]
Post subject:
Say to her 'are you ready to act right or do i need to spank your bottom?'.

Author:	league [ Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:05 pm ]
Post subject:
Depends totally on why you are soft nexting her

Author:	Wolfwoodd [ Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:07 pm ]
Post subject:
Carry on like nothing happened. Hold strong.. you were busy. Your time is valuable and you have better things to do than put up with bull-crap bad behavior. Do NOT under any circumstances logically explain that you were punishing her for her bad behavior (don't talk about the matrix). It's totally unnecessary and will probably just cause more drama. -Wolf

Author:	Hakuna [ Mon Apr 30, 2012 10:28 pm ]
Post subject:
What wolfwood said. It is of utmost importance that you DON'T try and explain, or even hint towards why you went no contact with her. If you do, you become a sulking beta. Game over. The girl thinks "what a baby, he wasn't talking to me because he was upset" or it might build resentment: "wtf? who does he think he is trying to teach me a lesson?" Anytime you try and OVERTLY communicate a reward/punishment system, it gets exploited by the girl. She interprets it as insecurity on your part because you CONSCIOUSLY went out of your way to do something. Remember the goal of soft nexting: You want to SIMULTANEOUSLY communicate (a) I am not okay with this (b) It doesn't phase me If you communicate to her that you soft-nexted her because you were pissed, you show her that she phased you. One way or another, she has won. Her shit test was aimed at breaking you, and that's exactly what it did. She wanted to elicit an emotional response from you - and she did. I think the real confusion comes about because men are generally more focused on straight forward communication due to the way we think. If a girl goes no-contact on us, but acts like it's NOT because of something we did - we take that at face value. We need to be able to grasp things with our logical minds, but that's not how a girl thinks. Women communicate covertly and their understanding of social dynamics is all intuitive. They subconsciously overanalyze every little thing. So when you go no-contact with a girl and your excuse is "My dog died," it doesn't matter. TRUST ME, she will still make the connection. Once you do this enough times, she directly associates whatever behavior you don't like with a lack of attention. You might think "maybe I should give a hint so she understands," but in reality, it's already spelled out clearly for her. Women are the EMOTIONAL gender, it doesn't matter even if you give a VERY GOOD EXCUSE for going no contact. All she knows is I did this ==> He didn't talk to me ==> I feel bad They DON'T think "Don't feel bad, he was busy, you could keep doing what you were doing." This would be what a GUY would think Psych 101: Positive reinforcement > Negative reinforcement. So why is freezing out so important? It's not negative reinforcement, it's simply the ABSENCE of positive reinforcement. So why would directly communicating your reason for soft nexting her be so bad in terms of that inequality? Because then it's no longer simply a lack of positive reinforcement - it BECOMES negative reinforcement.

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Author:	P1nkstar [ Mon May 07, 2012 11:49 am ]
Post subject:
Quote: If you communicate to her that you soft-nexted her because you were pissed, you show her that she phased you. One way or another, she has won. Her shit test was aimed at breaking you, and that's exactly what it did. Hakuna, with this, do you mean, a girl should never be able to phase you? So if she makes you pissed? Just run? Explain please!

Author:	PUAzilla [ Mon May 07, 2012 2:42 pm ]
Post subject:
Hakuna thank you so much! And as always; Wolfwoodd. You're a fountain of knowledge.

Author:	SirJoseppi [ Mon May 07, 2012 11:36 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: What wolfwood said. It is of utmost importance that you DON'T try and explain, or even hint towards why you went no contact with her. If you do, you become a sulking beta. Game over. The girl thinks "what a baby, he wasn't talking to me because he was upset" or it might build resentment: "wtf? who does he think he is trying to teach me a lesson?" Anytime you try and OVERTLY communicate a reward/punishment system, it gets exploited by the girl. She interprets it as insecurity on your part because you CONSCIOUSLY went out of your way to do something. Remember the goal of soft nexting: You want to SIMULTANEOUSLY communicate (a) I am not okay with this (b) It doesn't phase me If you communicate to her that you soft-nexted her because you were pissed, you show her that she phased you. One way or another, she has won. Her shit test was aimed at breaking you, and that's exactly what it did. She wanted to elicit an emotional response from you - and she did. I think the real confusion comes about because men are generally more focused on straight forward communication due to the way we think. If a girl goes no-contact on us, but acts like it's NOT because of something we did - we take that at face value. We need to be able to grasp things with our logical minds, but that's not how a girl thinks. Women communicate covertly and their understanding of social dynamics is all intuitive. They subconsciously overanalyze every little thing. So when you go no-contact with a girl and your excuse is "My dog died," it doesn't matter. TRUST ME, she will still make the connection. Once you do this enough times, she directly associates whatever behavior you don't like with a lack of attention. You might think "maybe I should give a hint so she understands," but in reality, it's already spelled out clearly for her. Women are the EMOTIONAL gender, it doesn't matter even if you give a VERY GOOD EXCUSE for going no contact. All she knows is I did this ==> He didn't talk to me ==> I feel bad They DON'T think "Don't feel bad, he was busy, you could keep doing what you were doing." This would be what a GUY would think Psych 101: Positive reinforcement > Negative reinforcement. So why is freezing out so important? It's not negative reinforcement, it's simply the ABSENCE of positive reinforcement. So why would directly communicating your reason for soft nexting her be so bad in terms of that inequality? Because then it's no longer simply a lack of positive reinforcement - it BECOMES negative reinforcement. This is great stuff. The issue I'm having is what behavior really warrants a soft next. For instance, one thing my GF likes is when I text her sexy details of what I think about when I'm having solo time, if you catch my drift. She used to do the same, but the last couple times I've done this, she hasn't replied with anything sexual or encouraging. I'm going to stop doing this obviously. Should I tell her that I am cutting her off from this or just stop doing it and act like nothing happened? I dunno if this would warrant a 2-3 day no contact soft next, but it is pretty annoying when I've emailed her stuff like this with no response (or at least no sexual response). Thoughts?

Author:	PUAzilla [ Tue May 08, 2012 7:30 am ]
Post subject:
Quote: I text her sexy details of what I think about when I'm having solo time, if you catch my drift. Thoughts? Why would you do this anyway? You have all the girls in the world to be thinking about and you choose her? I think that should stay private. It's not something I'd talk about with my gf a lot. I wouldn't start a soft next. I'd just stop doing it and move on.

Author:	SirJoseppi [ Tue May 08, 2012 3:35 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: Quote: I text her sexy details of what I think about when I'm having solo time, if you catch my drift. Thoughts? Why would you do this anyway? You have all the girls in the world to be thinking about and you choose her? I think that should stay private. It's not something I'd talk about with my gf a lot. I wouldn't start a soft next. I'd just stop doing it and move on. Of course I think about other girls but I don't tell her this. Also, she used to text back details of her own describing what we thought was hot the last time we had sex, etc. It's just the past couple times where she hasn't. But you're right, I probably shouldn't be doing it. No soft next. Thanks for the advice!

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