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She told me that she cheated on her ex boyfriend.
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Author:  Decessum [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:29 am ]
Post subject:  She told me that she cheated on her ex boyfriend.
Hello everyone, I hope I can get some insight here.
Ive been dating a girl for a month, and her last relationship was almost a 2 year relationship (20 months I think) ... anyways, she confessed that she cheated on her ex bf two times, no sex, just kissing.
Now, today she went into detail with one of those times, and in the end, I was like "I wish I wouldn't have asked" ... this made her feel very bad, she told me that she would never do that to me. I've known her for a while, and I used to know how her boyfriend was (boring), so I don't know, I think I kinda justify her cheating, I would've done it to if my gf would be boring.
Before this she said she had another bf (like 6 years ago) that she cheated a lot on him, but same, no sex just kissing. BUt this was when she was in her "wild side" ...
Anyways, she cried, she said that she didn't want to hurt me, that she didn't want to be the person she used to be, she said Im the best damn thing to ever happen to her. To be compleely honest, I know it deep inside that she won't cheat on me Why? Because I am a good boyfriend, I am good in bed, I'm a succesful person, compared to her ex boyfriends that were "mommy's boy" ...
Im just having a hard time coping with it, its the first time a girlfriend confesses something like this to me.
I say take a chance, what do you guys think?
Author:  Wolfwoodd [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
Dude, she just kissed other people. Who cares? Stop being so insecure. If you can't manage that, then, at the very least, don't let on to the fact that you're insecure -- and make your girlfriend cry. You do NOT want your girlfriend to associate you with negative emotions. You want to be her source of awesomeness and her refuge from the problems of the world. Being insecure and making her cry is not going to accomplish that goal. Making her feel like a slut for just kissing some guys is definitely not going to accomplish that goal.

Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf
Author:  Johndigwood120 [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:15 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Dude, she just kissed other people. Who cares? Stop being so insecure. If you can't manage that, then, at the very least, don't let on to the fact that you're insecure -- and make your girlfriend cry. You do NOT want your girlfriend to associate you with negative emotions. You want to be her source of awesomeness and her refuge from the problems of the world. Being insecure and making her cry is not going to accomplish that goal. Making her feel like a slut for just kissing some guys is definitely not going to accomplish that goal.

Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf
I don't think he cares that she kissed another guy, i think the thing that's bothering him is the fact that she cheated several times in the past and that it maybe could be seen as a red flag?
Author:  Thedutchone [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:51 pm ]
Post subject: 
Or you don't care if that would happen to you.

Or you accept that it is a major red flag and quit dating/seeing her ..
Behaviour like that doesn't change (fast) imo.

If I were in your situation it would be option B, no need to get emotionally involved to be backstabbed in (insert a period for your own) years.
Author:  Apocalyptica [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 4:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
What do you want from her?

Do you want to fuck her, but no relationship? Then go on, who cares if she kisses/fucks other dudes. She can do whatever she wants, and you can do whatever you want. That is called dating.

Do you eventually want to stick with her ? You want a serious relationship with her? Then stop wasting your time and go find a girl who has values (in the assumption you DO care if your girlfriend would "only" (hehe..) kiss other guys while she's in a LTR with you).

Obviously, this girl is complete immature. But as i said: if it's just for fun, it's not your problem. If you want a LTR, don't come crying here after a couple of months. People NEVER change. She cheated in the past, she will cheat in the future.
Author:  Wolfwoodd [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 6:22 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
Dude, she just kissed other people. Who cares? Stop being so insecure. If you can't manage that, then, at the very least, don't let on to the fact that you're insecure -- and make your girlfriend cry. You do NOT want your girlfriend to associate you with negative emotions. You want to be her source of awesomeness and her refuge from the problems of the world. Being insecure and making her cry is not going to accomplish that goal. Making her feel like a slut for just kissing some guys is definitely not going to accomplish that goal.

Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf
I don't think he cares that she kissed another guy, i think the thing that's bothering him is the fact that she cheated several times in the past and that it maybe could be seen as a red flag?
The guy has much bigger things to worry about than who she kissed in previous relationships. This girl was opening up to him, admitting something personal, being honest with him and trying to build sexual comfortableness. This type of behavior should be rewarded. Instead, he made her cry.

-Wolf
Author:  calif9876 [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 6:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: She told me that she cheated on her ex boyfriend.
I agree with determining what you want out of this relationship. If you want something long term and stable, RUN.

There are tons and tons and TONS of failed relationships and marriages out there, Does this girl sound like she has the values and integrity to beat the odds?
Author:  MagicCaveman [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 7:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
In this case? could you say maybe she has matured and is more likely to settle down? or is it true once a cheat always a cheat in multiple relationships?


hmmmm ?
Author:  calif9876 [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 8:10 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
In this case? could you say maybe she has matured and is more likely to settle down? or is it true once a cheat always a cheat in multiple relationships?


hmmmm ?
I'm not sure about the once a cheat always a cheat. But if you even have to ask that question I think its time to pull the eject handles.

Easier said than done, I know. But can you imagine how much better it would be if her answer had been "I have never cheated on anyone and cheating makes me sick.". That should be the natural answer of a healthy person, not a dream answer.
Author:  Txacoli [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 8:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:

Easier said than done, I know. But can you imagine how much better it would be if her answer had been "I have never cheated on anyone and cheating makes me sick.". That should be the natural answer of a healthy person, not a dream answer.
Are you serious? I don't know how old you guys are, but if you think like that you're in for a lot of disappointment. I know where you're coming from, I used to be the same way, but it's funny how life can change your mind about some things. I've never cheated in a LTR by the way. Not since high school when i was an immature wild little girl who had no idea what she was doing, does that make me always a cheater?
People change and their views change. I'm not saying I would cheat now, but I certainly know it has crossed my mind many times and I probably would have, had the opportunity presented itself with the right person. Am I bad for being human? I don't think so. Do not delude yourselves guys, when you're with someone for 10 years and you get that itch, I wonder how many of you will be so moral.

I'm with Wolf here, it was just kissing, that doesn't count, unless there was some heavy petting. Plus, she obviously feels remorse. She's a good girl.
Author:  MagicCaveman [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
hmmmm ^^^ I have more traditional views on this matter. I've never cheated in any relationships, iv been drunk, had girls come onto me, ones that I thought were really hot/nice, but for me cheating never crossed my mind.

My mother says once a cheater always a cheater, and she says that anyone who does cheat and swears down they wont do it again, find it easier second time, third time etc... around.

I know there is ALOT of temptation around for young girls, especially ones in the party scene, and I'm trying to understand what it's like for females. (Not saying that all males are good, because they are not) However, I myself have noticed that with guys, they will tell their mates etc if they cheat, where as alot of girls, including my ex swore on her mums life she didnt sleep with another guy. And it turned out she did. She also cheated on me with her best friend (found that out last night that she muff dives lol) didn't know what to think, but don't care, her best friend is a loser.

Some book I just read talks about screening girls Txacoli, I was wondering if you had any views on this? I'm now being more careful especially with red flags, girls with low self esteem etc...

I'm now kinda flirting with a new girl now, but not going to lie, it's opened my eyes to what some girls are really like and how decieving they can be. I would think carefully dude, depending also how long ago it was and how much she may have matured since then? There are many factors but for me it would be a red flag.
Author:  calif9876 [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:22 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:

Easier said than done, I know. But can you imagine how much better it would be if her answer had been "I have never cheated on anyone and cheating makes me sick.". That should be the natural answer of a healthy person, not a dream answer.
Are you serious? I don't know how old you guys are, but if you think like that you're in for a lot of disappointment. I know where you're coming from, I used to be the same way, but it's funny how life can change your mind about some things. I've never cheated in a LTR by the way. Not since high school when i was an immature wild little girl who had no idea what she was doing, does that make me always a cheater?
People change and their views change. I'm not saying I would cheat now, but I certainly know it has crossed my mind many times and I probably would have, had the opportunity presented itself with the right person. Am I bad for being human? I don't think so. Do not delude yourselves guys, when you're with someone for 10 years and you get that itch, I wonder how many of you will be so moral.

I'm with Wolf here, it was just kissing, that doesn't count, unless there was some heavy petting. Plus, she obviously feels remorse. She's a good girl.
Everyone has their own personal philosophy and what they value and do not value. Its kind of meaningless to say "you will be very disappointed with the way you think". You can say that about anyone who doesn't agree with you, does that make it true? We all have our own preferences, standards, etc...which narrow the field of people we want to be with. Does it make things more "difficult" or "disappointing"? Would anyone really give up what they prefer so that things are "easier"? Is that even logically possible?

Take me for instance, I prefer virgins and girls with no history of cheating. Good luck to me, right? Well, its really no big deal. My last LTR was with a girl who was a virgin and had no history of cheating. And there are lots of girls who are virgins and wouldn't ever cheat.

Everyones life experiences and beliefes biases what they think is "out there", when really, there are millions of women and you can find whatever you want. I say stick to your preferences, and don't lose your own integrity because you think you have to. You don't.

All that said, people make mistakes and what matters is how they think of what they did. Do they see it as a mistake? Has their value system, philosophy, and morals grown because of it? Or do they still try to rationalize it as okay for some reason?

Cheating is not something I would ever do. The kind of value system and lack of respect for intimacy and relationships that goes along with cheating disgusts me and is a huge turn off. Not the kind of road I want to be on. What can I say, I'm attracted to exclusivity.
Author:  Decessum [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:26 pm ]
Post subject: 
Wolf, I really appreciate your answer on this topic. And you're right, I shouldn't have been so insecure about it. She cried because she felt like I didn't trust her, when in reality it should've been rewarded, I know admitting cheating is not something easy for someone, specially with their new partner, and I just took it the wrong way. I prefer this over her telling me that she never cheated and then find out later that she did.
I know for a fact that she has changed a lot, I've known her for a while now, and shes not the same party girl that she used to be a few years back, and she has what it takes to change, she even said it herself that she doesn't want to be that girl again.
And Txacoli, your answer is very honest, very direct, thank you, its awesome how you're dead on spot with what you said, cheating is something thats caused by both parties at least in my opinion, on her last relationship she felt unwanted and not sexy and I guess cheating made her feel wanted.
As I said earlier, the fact that she told me about it should be rewarded, not punished. I'm just glad we solved it yesterday, and well, I won't bring that kind of subject ever again.
Thanks guys!
Author:  Txacoli [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:

Easier said than done, I know. But can you imagine how much better it would be if her answer had been "I have never cheated on anyone and cheating makes me sick.". That should be the natural answer of a healthy person, not a dream answer.
Are you serious? I don't know how old you guys are, but if you think like that you're in for a lot of disappointment. I know where you're coming from, I used to be the same way, but it's funny how life can change your mind about some things. I've never cheated in a LTR by the way. Not since high school when i was an immature wild little girl who had no idea what she was doing, does that make me always a cheater?
People change and their views change. I'm not saying I would cheat now, but I certainly know it has crossed my mind many times and I probably would have, had the opportunity presented itself with the right person. Am I bad for being human? I don't think so. Do not delude yourselves guys, when you're with someone for 10 years and you get that itch, I wonder how many of you will be so moral.

I'm with Wolf here, it was just kissing, that doesn't count, unless there was some heavy petting. Plus, she obviously feels remorse. She's a good girl.
Everyone has their own personal philosophy and what they value and do not value. Its kind of meaningless to say "you will be very disappointed with the way you think". You can say that about anyone who doesn't agree with you, does that make it true? We all have our own preferences, standards, etc...which narrow the field of people we want to be with. Does it make things more "difficult" or "disappointing"? Would anyone really give up what they prefer so that things are "easier"? Is that even logically possible?

Take me for instance, I prefer virgins and girls with no history of cheating. Good luck to me, right? Well, its really no big deal. My last LTR was with a girl who was a virgin and had no history of cheating. And there are lots of girls who are virgins and wouldn't ever cheat.

Everyones life experiences and beliefes biases what they think is "out there", when really, there are millions of women and you can find whatever you want. I say stick to your preferences, and don't lose your own integrity because you think you have to. You don't.

All that said, people make mistakes and what matters is how they think of what they did. Do they see it as a mistake? Has their value system, philosophy, and morals grown because of it? Or do they still try to rationalize it as okay for some reason?

Cheating is not something I would ever do. The kind of value system and lack of respect for intimacy and relationships that goes along with cheating disgusts me and is a huge turn off. Not the kind of road I want to be on. What can I say, I'm attracted to exclusivity.
I like girls that haven been around the block tooo many times as well, it's the illusion of purity and I'm all for that when looking for exclusivity. I owe you a further explanation. I didn't mean you're in for a disappointment because of girls, but because of yourself. I admire your value system and I wish I would have it again. I used to be just like you, but growing up has opened my eyes and made me less judgmental. Like you, I've never cheated in a LTR and I'm really proud of that. All I'm saying is this is a thing that might change as you get older. Even though I was a huge moralizer in my 20's, cheated disgusted me, there was no way I could ever do it or forgive it, a couple of real, marriage-like LTRs changed my mind. I'm still against cheating, open relationship or polyamoury being better because it's not deceitful. I'm just saying, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed with yourself if you feel so strongly about it now. Still, it's a nice quality to have while it lasts.

@MagicCaveman, I used to think girls were these angels that would never do anything like that. :) There are "sluts" out there. I don't like this term because there's nothing wrong with being sexually liberated. At the risk of sounding shallow and politically incorrect, I do like my girls to be good girls that will be bad just for me, you know what I mean? With that in mind, screening is everything. There are women so damaged you stop and wonder how on earth did that happen, especially those low esteem girls, they can be really fucked up.
And with everything being said, it's nice to find a girl with balance. It's tiresome to be with girls that are shocked by anything and everything, so seeing this girl in the OPs thread, she's perfect. She's just human, has done mistakes, feels huge remorse over something pretty innocent - that means she will also be open, emphatic, understanding for all the troubles that may come their way and the mistakes he might do. Maybe you can share some wisdom of that book on screening, I'd sure like to hear some pointers because I sometimes get so blinded if the girl is extra hot.
Author:  Road [ Sun Feb 26, 2012 10:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Or you don't care if that would happen to you.

Or you accept that it is a major red flag and quit dating/seeing her ..
Behaviour like that doesn't change (fast) imo.

If I were in your situation it would be option B, no need to get emotionally involved to be backstabbed in (insert a period for your own) years.
I agree with this statement. Her behavior isn't likely to change even though she may honestly want it to. Either way, you should change your frame to it doesn't bother you, a woman would be crazy to do that to you, so you don't have any insecurities about it.
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