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To get out or not? Is this too selfish?
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Author:  Txacoli [ Mon Jan 09, 2012 6:32 pm ]
Post subject:  To get out or not? Is this too selfish?
Ok guys, I really fucked up this time.
After being single for a while, I thought it would be nice to have some regular sex while I dedicate myself to my life and my goals. So I got a very young gf, who doesn't give me bullshit, no drama, sees me when I want to, amazing in bed. But after a little while, I see she's not nearly mature enough for a real relationship and in the beginning it didn't even matter because she's more like an exclusive lover than a gf. She comes to my place when I want to, like once a week and she leaves after sex and some cuddling. We exchange a couple of messages about trivial stuff daily (with lots of hearts inserted haha). That's it. No complications. The only thing that matters to her is exclusivity. I don't really mind, because I don't have time for anything anyways.
But, I already know nothing will ever come out of this, nothing serious. I can see she's falling more and more in love, and I'm getting more and more bored. On one hand, I feel like I should cut this short and not raise her expectations. On the other hand, she doesn't demand anything from me and I don't really know what her expectations are. Am I being too selfish if I keep this up?
Author:  Thedutchone [ Mon Jan 09, 2012 6:43 pm ]
Post subject: 
There are two important problems possible.

First of all, what you arn't doing might not be to ethical, does this disturb you?

I have been in a similar situation and for that I ended it.

Secondly, if you don't care about the ethics, do you care about the reputation this might give you if other girls find out (that she was infact in love with you but that you "played" her for X-period of time)...

There are pro's and con's in this situation, just be the judge of it yourself ;)
Author:  Txacoli [ Mon Jan 09, 2012 6:53 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm disturbed by the ethical aspect of it. On one hand I know this is going to end sooner or later. On the other hand I know she's enjoying this "relationship". The excuse that I find is her being young, she will have gotten sick of me anyways, so if I keep this up a little longer, it's no big deal. But I feel dirty :/
Maybe I'm overcomplicating things and should just take it easy and see how it goes? I wish I could be a cold blooded bastard sometimes.
Author:  Thedutchone [ Mon Jan 09, 2012 7:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
That she is young isn't an excuse useable for ethics ;)
If you feel dirty and you care about it, do something about it.
Or have a chat with her.. if she really doesn't mind it won't work out on the long run but you are just fuckbuddies, then relax ;)
Author:  Chief [ Mon Jan 09, 2012 7:44 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'll give you a little trick that I've used to "manage expectations" so that girls were OK with being only FWBs without exclusivity.

If you think about where a woman's desire for an exclusive relationship comes from, it's not difficult to realize that they want to be romantically involved with someone who is dependable and can provide some benefit to her life.

That is, of course, certainly true for more mature women with experience and options to have a clearer perspective on things, and I suppose that younger girls with less experience and less options might seek exclusive relationships with any boy who made them feel good.

Regardless, no girl or woman is going to want to be romantically exclusive with their child.

That's right... their child.

One of the ways I manage expectations is by triggering the woman's maternal instincts. There's a lot of creative ways you can do this, but at a baseline just act dependent (not emotionally dependent but just overall) and treat her as if you would treat someone taking care of you.

This works to dampen the desire for romantic exclusivity in a woman because a lover in the masculine role is supposed to be dependable rather than dependent. From a position like a FWB relationship, you can easily just let the romance and sexual tension die out if you get bored and just let it fade back into friendship.
Author:  Richard Pryor [ Mon Jan 09, 2012 7:58 pm ]
Post subject: 
I think the first thing you should do is have a talk with her regarding your/her expectations.

Why would you end something with someone who doesn’t give you bullshit, no drama, sees you when you want and is amazing in bed?
Quote:
On one hand I know this is going to end sooner or later.
Nothing lasts forever.
Quote:
But I feel dirty :/
Maybe I'm overcomplicating things and should just take it easy and see how it goes? I wish I could be a cold blooded bastard sometimes.
There’s a difference between (1) having a good time/enjoying someone’s company and (2) leading them on and making them believe something that is not.

Nothing in your post suggests that the latter is what’s happening. Nevertheless, I sense something is bothering you and I think the best thing to do is having a conversation with her.
Author:  Txacoli [ Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:01 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for your replies guys.

Thedutchone, she thinks we're girlfriends, however, this concept in her mind is when you are just exclusive with someone. We never go out or do anything in public. She comes over, we go to bed, I give her something to eat, chit chat a bit and I take her home. To me, it's lovers. The point is exclusivity, I don't even mind that. I have a plate full of academic obligations and playing in two bands, I don't have time to even think about other girls. I did tell her I can't know how things will be with us in the future, and you never know what life brings etc., just sugar-coating how I feel about us, but she did get the message because she got offended a bit. The reason I feel bad I guess is that she is so naive I can manipulate her into anything I want. I don't though, I treat her nicely. I'm just at such an advantage and I guess I'm not used to that and would hate to break her heart.

Chief, this is really good! I'll try it, although she's more in the category who will seek any boy who made her feel good.

Richard, I don't think I lead her on yet. She wanted to be exclusive, I accepted. But the difference in thinking is what worries me. I might be blowing things out of proportions because I think she's actually pretty happy the way things are. I'll try to slow it down. I only see her about once a week, it suits me that way. Next time I'll just ask her what she expects and if she's fine with this "relationship" the way it is.

Thanks again guys :)
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