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Bringing Up Poly
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Author:  Onoma [ Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Bringing Up Poly
So I broke up with my g/f last Friday. :( Then we broke up again last night. :( Then we had great sex. :)

The problem: She wants to start trying for kids in less than a year. She's my first real girlfriend and second women I've slept with (I'm 34,) and since we moved in together things haven't really gone great. Lot's of fighting, and I have worries about how well we'd work long term and especially with raising kids.

So for me, kids means:
1) No chance at sleeping with other women ever, for the rest of my life. (Along with less opportunity for travel, exploration, trying different cities to live in.)

2) I might end up "chained" to a woman who makes me miserable if things don't improve.

The thing is, I'm focused on #2 which makes me say I'm not ready for kids. I don't even necessarily see the point of an open relationship, let alone procreation, if we'll be miserable together.

BUT she's focused only on "not ready for kids." She doesn't see the point of working on our relationship if I'm not ready for kids.

So last night when she tells me I just need to tell her how we can fix this, and that she'd do _anything_ to make me happy, it was all I could think about. I just needed to say that I'd be ready for kids if things worked better between us. Except that I'd still be concerned about #1... so the real answer is: I'd be more ready for kids if things worked better for us and I knew I'd have a shot at other experiences (including other women.)

Trying not to let this post get too long, but I'm really bad at that... so:

Increased Difficulty: She's Catholic. Not Catholic enough to wait until marriage, but I think an open relationship would be more of a problem for her belief system.

ID2: She's specifically said in the past that she would not want an open relationship.

However: She's always the one who's brought it up (to say she wouldn't.) There are other times she's said something that made me think about it.

Examples: Just as we were moving in together the whole "other women" thing came up and she offered to let me be single for a while.

We were watching Desperate Housewives and one girl hired a stripper for her husband, and my gf just joked that I'd enjoy that.

Then the other night on Ambien she actually started talking about what I'd want to do if she brought a "sex worker" home to me.



TL;DR Version:

So how does one bring an open relationship up to their religious girlfriend who's stated she doesn't want to in the past but has seemingly hinted that she might?
Author:  Wolfwoodd [ Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Bringing Up Poly
Quote:
So how does one bring an open relationship up to their religious girlfriend who's stated she doesn't want to in the past but has seemingly hinted that she might?
Ehhh.. this sounds like a trap. This is NOT the way to get into a solid open relationship. It sounds more like your girlfriend is using sex as a bartering chip to get what she wants. As soon as she has what she wants, then I'm guessing you can kiss your open relationship goodbye. Furthermore, opening up your relationship wont fix any of the problems that your relationship already has. In fact, it will probably make them worse.

If it sounds too good to be true, then it usually is.

-Wolf
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Thu Oct 20, 2011 8:49 pm ]
Post subject: 
this situation can be summed up with one word:

doom
Author:  TheChallenger [ Sun Oct 23, 2011 6:55 pm ]
Post subject: 
You should stay in a relationship with her for a while.. a long while.. see how things are going.
If its going well, go ahead, marry her!
If not, just leave her and get a better relationship.
Author:  Onoma [ Mon Oct 24, 2011 3:20 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
You should stay in a relationship with her for a while.. a long while.. see how things are going.
If its going well, go ahead, marry her!
If not, just leave her and get a better relationship.
Wow. What useful advice. It's almost entirely, but not quite, like you didn't read my post at all!
Author:  Shyler [ Mon Oct 24, 2011 4:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Quote:
You should stay in a relationship with her for a while.. a long while.. see how things are going.
If its going well, go ahead, marry her!
If not, just leave her and get a better relationship.
Wow. What useful advice. It's almost entirely, but not quite, like you didn't read my post at all!
Haha :lol:

Anyway, you're in a difficult situation. It seems like she is realy trying to get what she wants: kids. If she is around the same age as yours, it's her biological clock who is saying "you should get kids before it is too late!".

Don't forgot that, in a relationship, things should come from both sides. She desperatly want kids. She realy know what she wants, and she tries to achieve her goal, in annoying ways.
As a man, you have your wants and needs too. Think about that. Here, the question is not realy how to get an open relationship (as well due to her principles), but it lays somewhere else.

Do I like the way she behaves to me lately? If she annoyes you by playing games and fighting with you to get kids, don't let her do but point at her behavior and tell her you don't like the way she acts.

Do you want to have kids? I guess that you're answer is no, but does she knows that? Make her very clear that you're not ready for kids yet and want to wait. There are 2 options: she better deals with it or find someone else to get kids from. Do you realy want to fight with her forever about it?

The most important question is: how much do you love her? it sounds cheesy but it's essential. If your love is strong enough to stay with her then you probably should. Do I realy want to enjoy other women? Don't let society push you to fuck as many women. It's not because some good looking succesfull people who have it all travel the world and get laid everywhere that you should as well. You should only do it because you feel like it. Do you walk often on the street imagening fucking a hot women and then imagining how that would be on travel on beaches in Australia, Thailand or in glamorous cities as New York? Do you realy want that but do you have the feeling that your girlfriend is the only thing that is still holding you back? Do you actualy love her enough to give up the other things in life?

Be very honest do yourself. You don't want to fight forever with her. I think that the question is not about how to get an open relationship with her but if you still want to be with her and if you want to give things up for it. Rudely said, the only possible answers are YES or NO. Stop doubting and know what you want. That's how I think about it. I hope I helped you.
Author:  Lodewijkp [ Mon Oct 24, 2011 4:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
this situation can be summed up with one word:

doom
i didn't read it .. first i just scrolled down to see who replied .. when i saw this i didn't have to read lol
Author:  Onoma [ Mon Oct 24, 2011 7:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Anyway, you're in a difficult situation. It seems like she is realy trying to get what she wants: kids. If she is around the same age as yours, it's her biological clock who is saying "you should get kids before it is too late!".
Worse, she's a couple years older...
Quote:
As a man, you have your wants and needs too. Think about that. Here, the question is not realy how to get an open relationship (as well due to her principles), but it lays somewhere else.
But wouldn't an open relationship give us both everything we want?
Quote:
Do I like the way she behaves to me lately? If she annoyes you by playing games and fighting with you to get kids, don't let her do but point at her behavior and tell her you don't like the way she acts.
The fighting isn't really about the kids, it's about how we actually get along. She just feels working on how we get along isn't worthwhile if I'm not ready for kids... of course I'm never going to be ready for kids if I don't see us working together much better than we are.

Honestly I keep going back and forth. When I first had the open relationship idea I actually dismissed it because I didn't see the point since we were fighting so much.

Things have been improving a bit though. I do see her trying harder to make me happy, even being more affectionate...
Quote:
Do you want to have kids? I guess that you're answer is no, but does she knows that? Make her very clear that you're not ready for kids yet and want to wait. There are 2 options: she better deals with it or find someone else to get kids from. Do you realy want to fight with her forever about it?
I do. Just... not sure I want them yet. I thought I did when we started dating, I actually felt like I was getting too old to wait. Now, though, I feel like I'm letting the last bit of my youth slip away if I get married.

We won't fight forever... we really broke up. I'm not sure we officially got back together either... but we're still living/sleeping together so...

I guess the open relationship would make me feel like I can still have kids AND do some of the things I missed out on. If only I'd discovered PUA sooner!
Quote:
The most important question is: how much do you love her? it sounds cheesy but it's essential. If your love is strong enough to stay with her then you probably should. Do I realy want to enjoy other women? Don't let society push you to fuck as many women. It's not because some good looking succesfull people who have it all travel the world and get laid everywhere that you should as well. You should only do it because you feel like it. Do you walk often on the street imagening fucking a hot women and then imagining how that would be on travel on beaches in Australia, Thailand or in glamorous cities as New York? Do you realy want that but do you have the feeling that your girlfriend is the only thing that is still holding you back? Do you actualy love her enough to give up the other things in life?
I think I do love her. I do imagine being with other women... though honestly not that often. Sometimes I'll see a girl and really wonder, but a lot of times I end up thinking about the gf too.

I'm worried, though, that I'm just afraid to let her go. She's still my first... but even with all the confidence and experience I've gained I'm a bit worried I'd just go back to being a lonely AFC...
Quote:
Be very honest do yourself. You don't want to fight forever with her. I think that the question is not about how to get an open relationship with her but if you still want to be with her and if you want to give things up for it. Rudely said, the only possible answers are YES or NO. Stop doubting and know what you want. That's how I think about it. I hope I helped you.
I don't think those are the only possible answers though. There may also be "stay with her AND still be able to do those other things.
Author:  Onoma [ Fri Oct 28, 2011 12:43 am ]
Post subject: 
So... new development. She asked me point blank tonight if I wanted to see other people. I tried to ignore the question, then dodge it by saying "not right now" meaning that I was thinking through it for possible future discussion... but she pressed forward with it. (I really need to stop watching Desperate Housewives with her...)



Here's what she envisions:

We schedule two nights a week where we are not home, to avoid having to explain when we're going on a date

We can't have sleepovers with anyone else

We set a time limit on how long this goes for

We either continue having sex with each other OR have sex with our dates... but not both

I feel like that complicates things more than just going with a full poly relationship, right? Not having sex in a relationship is a bad thing from everything I've ever heard... yet dating seems like it would naturally lead to sex at some point. She's frequently on record as saying the only way to avoid cheating is to avoid being in situations in which it could happen... so we'd pretty much have to stop having sex with each other and fulfill all those needs outside our relationship.

I know a big part of it is her being worried about diseases. I mentioned we could just always use condoms but she's afraid of getting HPV even with condom use...

So what do you guys think? It seems like pseudo-poly and like it's only going to make our relationship worse. (And yes, I'm aware you all recommended against it anyway and I brought that up too... but she's aware of my lack of experience and doesn't think I'll ever be able to settle in without seeing what's out there.)

I don't want to give up sex or risk losing my gf...
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Fri Oct 28, 2011 2:31 am ]
Post subject: 
buddy,

while you are busy being distracted by the right hand,

you really need to be watching that left hand,

it can deliver a nasty blow.

what i mean is this:

you are busy (real busy) trying to figure out:

IF this can work and HOW this can work.

right?

what you need to be asking yourself is:

do you really WANT this to work?

is this girl that valuable to you that you would enter into something with all these arrangements and such?

because it's clear that she is pushing things that way.

which means one thing,

and here this well,

what she wants MORE than a GREAT RELATIONSHIP with you...

is

OTHER COCK.

i'm just sayin

left hand / right hand

apples / oranges
Author:  Onoma [ Fri Oct 28, 2011 1:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
do you really WANT this to work?
I'm not sure yet. I think I do, but I think the version of it I want is a polyamorous relationship. I want to come home to her most nights, but if I meet another interesting woman I'd like to be able to spend some time with her as well.
Quote:
is this girl that valuable to you that you would enter into something with all these arrangements and such?
Yes. The problem is that her way of doing this seems like it would only end our relationship.
Quote:
what she wants MORE than a GREAT RELATIONSHIP with you...

is

OTHER COCK.
No, you're 100% wrong. What she wants more than just about anything is BABIES.
Author:  Wolfwoodd [ Fri Oct 28, 2011 2:29 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
So... new development. She asked me point blank tonight if I wanted to see other people. I tried to ignore the question, then dodge it by saying "not right now" meaning that I was thinking through it for possible future discussion... but she pressed forward with it. (I really need to stop watching Desperate Housewives with her...)



Here's what she envisions:

We schedule two nights a week where we are not home, to avoid having to explain when we're going on a date

We can't have sleepovers with anyone else

We set a time limit on how long this goes for

We either continue having sex with each other OR have sex with our dates... but not both

I feel like that complicates things more than just going with a full poly relationship, right? Not having sex in a relationship is a bad thing from everything I've ever heard... yet dating seems like it would naturally lead to sex at some point. She's frequently on record as saying the only way to avoid cheating is to avoid being in situations in which it could happen... so we'd pretty much have to stop having sex with each other and fulfill all those needs outside our relationship.

I know a big part of it is her being worried about diseases. I mentioned we could just always use condoms but she's afraid of getting HPV even with condom use...

So what do you guys think? It seems like pseudo-poly and like it's only going to make our relationship worse. (And yes, I'm aware you all recommended against it anyway and I brought that up too... but she's aware of my lack of experience and doesn't think I'll ever be able to settle in without seeing what's out there.)

I don't want to give up sex or risk losing my gf...
COME ON! Use some common sense. Her "rules" are terrible! It's not poly if she still withholds sex when you have sex with other women. Also, whats with all the secrecy of being gone two nights so you don't have to say where you are? Why can't you two just talk about this stuff like adults?

Stop thinking about this. It's a terrible plan. You want this relationship and you want sexual variety. For God's sake, invite the girl to a swingers party. It'd be a great litmus test to see if she's serious about opening up your relationship or just jerking you around. Also, swinging is an activity that couples do TOGETHER.

If she refuses, then work on your game and start dating other girls. Take your balls back! If you're current girlfriend can't handle that you are trying to improve this aspect of your life, then tell her to get bent.

Just my 2 cents.

-Wolf

Oh and message me if you need a link to a site that lists swinger parties by location.
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