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Just broke up, then newly-exed-gf texts me. Do I reply?
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Author:  vestrideus [ Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:16 am ]
Post subject:  Just broke up, then newly-exed-gf texts me. Do I reply?
Background
We had been exclusive for 7 months now, very quickly after we met. I had been planning to move to another province for college ever since we met, so when it didn't come to her as a shock when I had to prepare to leave.

Just after school ended a couple of months ago, she asked me that question, "what will happen to us when you're gone". Since i wanted to see how far we would go, and decide from there, I answered something along the lines of "I do not know what will happen these next two months, but all I know is that I want to make the most of it. That being said, we'll see at the end of summer".

the breakup
I took her on a walk to the place where we first kissed (Yeah, i'm a bit of a sentimentalist :lol: ), and I was surprised at how unfazed she seemed by the breakup. Since she knew I was already leaving, she said that she had already accepted that I would probably break up with her (when she asked me that question before summer-- i would have stayed if our relationship escalated/deepended/invested enough for an LDR ), and that the only thing that she was more concerned about was what would happen after the breakup -- whether we would stay friends, or in contact, etc.

I was actually surprised how she didnt seem too saddended by this, since I had half-forseen it as a sort of "goodbye forever" kind of thing, and sort of viewed it with the expectation we'd stay friends or something. I answered her that I'd probably be unable to talk to her for a few weeks to emotionally move on, and past that, i didn't know if I would have to delete her facebook and contact info. She said that she would be okay with "whatever you decide; if it helps you more, I'm fine with it; don't worry about me, I'll be alright".


I'm still deciding whether I should cut off all contact, or stay as friends, or how to move on really. I originally leaned towards the cut-off-all because it'd make it easier for me to move on, and part of me just doesn't feel right seeing her a couple months later while she's found another guy (I'm her second relationship; her first was a real douchebag you don't even know) -- it wouldn't be us going from so close to falling to a "friends level" and possibly drifting apart after that; it would only leave good memories. On the other hand, cutting off all contact is a bit cold since she didn't cheat or anything like that, and I'd just feel a bit unfair being that harsh


Situation
I had originally planned to visit her tomorrow or friday at her school (since mine starts next week), and after school, take her on a walk and break up after. Logistics ended up forcing me to take her out today and breakup with her this morning (since I'm leaving early saturday, and thurs and fri after school was too busy)


So after breaking up, and keeping myself busy with work and packing the whole day and into the evening, I get a text from her at around 10pm (the time she usually goes to sleep since she gets up early), reading:

"I'm weak... I can't even last a night of this let alone a week, a month, a year. You don't need to reply, just I can't struggle with this without saying something... I miss you and you haven't even left yet. I'll leave you alone for at least a week now I hope..."


I have no idea how to take this, or what to do -- whether to reply, to see her again, or to stay resolute with not having contact (at least for the first while, though perhaps forever)

Now, I'm leaving saturday, so that gives me either thurs or fri (not sure how many will read this post in time) if I do want to see her again. I had originally planned to visit her school thurs anyway to catch up with some friends (I was planning to visit, then take her out and break up after, but she wasn't able to set aside enough time after for that).


Thanks guys, this is really catching me in a tight spot, since this is the longest relationship i've been in too.
Author:  TheFreshPrince [ Thu Sep 01, 2011 2:43 pm ]
Post subject: 
How long until you would be available for her again?

Normally, I have a strict "no-contact with exes" policy, but this is different. She really likes you and you still like her, it's just the circumstances. I would probably respond in this case, not respond to the text, but call her or text her when you've finished moving and just tell her you're settled and ask how she is. As for getting together one last time, probably not, but I'd let the jury decide... I know in that situation, I would want to, but I think it's best if you leave that awesome final impression that you did. Anything you do now is working backwards.

But don't even contact her you really aren't going to see her again. In that case, any contact will just prolong the pain. It depends on that above question...
Author:  vestrideus [ Thu Sep 01, 2011 3:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
How long until you would be available for her again?
Probably not until christmas, (she said she might visit my city once in november since they planned family outing previously). I really dont think i can do LDR though -- and I especially don't want it to turn into one of those LDR-college stories where an awesome relationship slowly decays until a text-message breakup or someone cheats.

Quote:
As for getting together one last time, probably not, but I'd let the jury decide... I know in that situation, I would want to, but I think it's best if you leave that awesome final impression that you did. Anything you do now is working backwards.
This. Fuck -- this is really tearing me apart, especially since i dont have much time left if I did decide to.

Like you said, part of me really wants to see her again, as it's the one last chance before I leave; yet the other side of me tells me to stick to my word, and leave with that final impression.

Quote:
But don't even contact her you really aren't going to see her again. In that case, any contact will just prolong the pain. It depends on that above question...
^ Exactly about the choice between:
Leave awesome impression(but never see eachother again, though not replying might be seen as cruel)
or
be nice and end up as friends (but possibly end up with us slowly drifting apart after that, and leave only the poor memories of us drifting apart)

(since LDR is not an option)



And thanks fresh prince -- your reply really hit the exact point i'm mulling over
Author:  Wal [ Thu Sep 01, 2011 10:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
After my first few break-ups I realized that a clean (read: not emotionally violent) split is the only positive way to end a relationship, regardless of whether it was mutually agreeable or totally one-sided.

My thought is... you took the time to break up, and you did it to best of your abilities without doing anything evil or dirty, and with proper finality of moment. I applaud you because, in doing that, you're better than 90% of everyone else on the planet. Now, since both of you still like each other, both of you are going to be torn up about it for quite some time, and it may seem tempting to have "one last night." What you don't realize is the "one last nights" are emotionally violent, not in a malicious way, but in the passive way that they mess with your head.

You're both already hurting, and seeing each other like that is only going to make it worse. Think: would you rather have one awful ending moment, or two?

That said, I'm all for remaining friends. You just reinitiate sexual tension the next time you see her, if you want to. I just wouldn't call her as soon as Fresh Prince suggests. I don't have a reason, just a difference of opinion.
Author:  TheFreshPrince [ Thu Sep 01, 2011 11:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
I hear ya, Wal, and I agree. Contacting her may be just stringing her along, causing those emotions you're talking about.
Author:  2a0j1w1 [ Fri Sep 09, 2011 6:16 pm ]
Post subject: 
I've been in a similar situation, I empathize with you
Author:  vestrideus [ Sun Sep 11, 2011 8:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
After my first few break-ups I realized that a clean (read: not emotionally violent) split is the only positive way to end a relationship, regardless of whether it was mutually agreeable or totally one-sided.

My thought is... you took the time to break up, and you did it to best of your abilities without doing anything evil or dirty, and with proper finality of moment. I applaud you because, in doing that, you're better than 90% of everyone else on the planet. Now, since both of you still like each other, both of you are going to be torn up about it for quite some time, and it may seem tempting to have "one last night." What you don't realize is the "one last nights" are emotionally violent, not in a malicious way, but in the passive way that they mess with your head.

You're both already hurting, and seeing each other like that is only going to make it worse. Think: would you rather have one awful ending moment, or two?

That said, I'm all for remaining friends. You just reinitiate sexual tension the next time you see her, if you want to. I just wouldn't call her as soon as Fresh Prince suggests. I don't have a reason, just a difference of opinion.
This. This should be stickied.
Author:  themodernfemme [ Mon Sep 12, 2011 7:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
Text her back but mess with her
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