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| Introduction https://pick-up-artist-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=95055 |
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| Author: | Speedy Cat [ Fri Jul 01, 2011 7:36 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Introduction |
Hi, Before I introduce myself I want to make it clear that I normally don't talk like this to people - in fact I make a conscious effort to avoid negativity. I just thought that here it might help to let people know where I'm coming from. I'm anything but a PUA. I don't necessarily aspire to be one; I would like to just meet some girls that are skinny. Or even one. I don't have much interest in the glamour-model looking type. Just regular girls who are pretty to me - I don't care about other people's opinions. And not fat. Here's my long, sad but true life story... When I was 10 I switched from public school to private, and I never really fit in. I was friends with some people, but around 7th grade everything changed and there was a real separation from the cool guys and the rest. The first time I liked a girl was in 7th grade, and she was one of the popular girls. Some of the popular guys found out and really made a fool of me - telling her that I liked her and giving me bad advice so they could laugh at me when I failed. I mean it was a public humiliation. Then something weird happened. We got some offer to go to a computer camp at a state university over the summer. One of the popular kids had gone and said it was awesome because they got to stay in the coed dorms over the summer. I really didn't want to go to computer camp, and I was now shy about girls. So I tried to make some joke about how girls at a computer camp are probably lame or something, trying to cover my insecurity. Somehow, this was misunderstood and a rumor spread that I was gay. Man those kids were mean. It was like a way to show that they were cool was to torment me. So my self-esteem was destroyed and I went into a depression that I never fully got out of. There was no way I could talk to girls confidently. Luckily I still had a few friends from the public school who were nice to me. Eventually the gay rumor blew over. But I was really afraid of rejection. In high school I dated a couple of girls and had some female friends. I ended up making a number of friends and had a lot of fun times but really became scared to talk to girls. Eventually I went off to college where nobody knew me - a fresh start. I really tried to make friends. I always tried to ask people to do stuff but rarely had any takers. I had season tickets to the school's football games. I asked everyone I could find if they would go with me. No one would ever go. So there I was at a football game - surrounded by 85000 people but all by myself. Eventually I transferred to another school and I was lucky enough to meet some nice friends in my dorm. We went out a lot and had a lot of fun. It was the best time of my life. Eventually I found that after a couple of beers at a party, I could go up and talk to girls - but not really try to pick them up - just talk about whatever. I mean I could talk to a girl for like 30 minutes and then it was like 'ok nice talking to you, bye.' That made me feel ok but it obviously wasn't what I really desired. I saw other guys taking girls home and eventually became frustrated that I could not do the same. At this time I considered myself at least average looking and in pretty decent shape. Eventually I became very frustrated and when I had a few drinks I started to become a creepy jerk. I would hit on every girl at a party until either it ended or I met some fat drunk girl who was desperately lonely. I soon realized that this wasn't going to make me happy. In fact it made me less happy that I could only hook up with girls that I found very unattractive. After graduation, I found myself in a job with a bunch of 40-50 year olds - no longer surrounded every day by college kids that wanted to party every day. I went out to bars but had no luck other than an occasional fat girl. All of my friends were either getting married and having kids or moving away. I knew I needed to start over completely. I figured I could either do it in my cold hometown full of bad memories or move away to sunny FL and be in just about the same boat. So I packed up and moved to Tampa. I really tried to make friends - I played in a a roller hockey league. I knew the guys liked hockey so I would ask them to go to games. No takers. I enrolled in college again. Guys talked about football all the time, but when I ask them to go to games, no takers. I joined clubs and asked people to do stuff - no takers. I don't really get it. When I talk to people in person I don't talk about my miserable past. I like to have fun and joke around. I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I ask people to do things that are popular. I'm honest and try to help people. It's like if I ask someone to do something on a Friday they say they already have plans. Then if I call on like a Tuesday they say they don't like to make plans - they want to keep their options open. On TV they always tell people to "be yourself" but to me they say "try to be more like Matt (or whomever)." People tell me that I "Give off a loser vibe." I dress decent to go to a club and get turned away when there is no line. At work I can say any comment and it is rejected, then if someone else makes the same comment they are just wonderful. Eventually I started taking antidepressants. I started because I was dating this woman and I did not like one single thing about her. She would sleep with me and she wasn't even a good lover for me. Still I felt like she was the best I could do. Eventually I broke up with her after I realized that being with the wrong person is actually worse than being alone. After that I went on a massive weight gain. I guess I wanted girls to reject me for my appearance instead of letting them get to know me and then rejecting the real me. That was five years ago and I haven't been with anyone. I finally started losing some weight and went out a few times. I mean I would go up to a girl who looked average at best and I would be like "Hi" and they would be like "Get away from me" or "Don't talk to me" So now I am really down. I can hardly look people in the eye. In my everyday life I rarely even see a pretty girl. I have some "friends" but it is rare that they do anything with me. On a few occasions, people have tried to set me up and you should have seen the girls. I guess they were appropriate for someone like me. Obviously I am out of the game right now. I don't want to waste my time. I feel like the only way I can sleep with a pretty girl is to pay money. I have tried that in the past and I know that did not make me happy at all - it just reinforced my feeling that I can't get a pretty girl. So here I am at a new low among many. Something keeps me going. I don't know what, but the drugs are a big help. My cat is my best friend and I think she's mostly in it for the free cat food. You will never understand depression unless you go though it. It isn't like being in a bad mood or being down or bummed out. You can't just tell someone to snap out of it or cheer up. I mean it is a mental illness. It is like your eyes see a blue car but your brain tells you it is a red car. You can tell someone all day long that it is a blue car but that isn't going to do it. So I found this site the other day. I'm not sure what I can get out of it but some hope. I'm not up to trying right now, but I do hope to get back to that point eventually. Nice to meet you. |
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